10 (Plus) things I hate about you.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but today I am not in a happy place. I am tired, warn out and I’ve just had enough!!

I hate that over the weekend I have reverted back to uncontrollable sobbing (or as uncontrollable as I let myself get) over the ex. I’m in this new interesting place where I kinda hate, but I kind don’t. And as much of me that hates him, wants him back. Plus I don’t really hate him, I’m angry at him for being fine when I am still such a mess. Annoyed that he hasn’t drunkenly text me to tell me he is missing me. Pissed off that he is going to move on long before I do. Angry with him for doing this to me, angry at myself for still caring. It’s been 6 months..shouldn’t I be somewhat over this?

I miss him every second of every day. Without wanting to my mind wanders and I wonder what he is doing, what he is watching, is he thinking about me? Does his mind wander to me to? I look at the clock and notice that he will be finished work in five minutes, or the programme we always watched together will be starting, or the weather will be nice and I will remember the walk to swim in the river we took last summer….and I wonder if he is finding this all as hard as me?!

And the honest answer is no. He seems to be fine….and so I hate him.

I hate him for giving up on me so easily. I hate him for getting into a relationship with me before he was ready. I hate him for being the reason that I am shattered after another weekend of DIY. I hate that he is the reason I am now (in the short term at least) planning a future alone. I hate him for having to share BD with him, when I should be living with them both. I hate him for planning holidays with such ease when the idea of a holiday without him still has tears rolling down my cheeks. I hate that he has done this to me. I hate that I doubt trusting anyone again. I hate that he made me so happy. I hate that he used to make me hot lemonade when I was ill, but now there will be no one to look after me.

I hate that I am lying to people and pretending I’m fine. I hate that he had moments of being such an ass when we were together. I hate that he wasn’t the vast majority of the time.

I hate that despite being able to list 1000 reasons as to why I deserve better…… I still want him.

A part-time reactive dog

So as usual I am getting on the band wagon way too late. I did know about the link but buying a house kinda got in the way – yes I will be using that excuse for the foreseeable future!

Anyway, as I have mentioned multiple times BD has fear aggression. If another dog gets into his face and does not pick up on his “I’m not happy, leave me alone” signs he will react. He also appears to have zero bite inhibition (something I am working on!) and so I keep him muzzled when around other dogs, including Mity. Annoyingly it isn’t just other dogs he goes for an he has once gone for a postman, although the postman took full responsibility for the incident, and he has also gone for myself and him. Again in both these incidents actually the ones to blame was myself and him, we know BD doesn’t like people is his ‘space’ and yet I went to kiss his head, while he was asleep – I know I still can’t forgive myself for being so stupid.
I must have read every article I can think of to try and find a way to help BD overcome his reactivity and when I lived with him, I came home on an almost daily basis with a new bit of information I had read and a new way to look at it.

I learnt not to punish BD for reacting. I understood the importance of routine. If we see something that could cause a reaction we did, x, y and z in order and his confidence grew. In fact the weekend before I moved out, I took BD to play with 4 other collies. Seeing my big idiot, race around the field chasing 4 collies smiling his head of made me sob with tears of joy. Watching him ignore an adolescent dog annoying him, snapping near his face and running just in front of the end of his nose (I did try to stop this dog from carrying on with this behaviour) before finally deciding he had had enough and giving a warning but not following through with an ‘I’m going to kill you’ made my heart burst with pride.

But then I moved out. And this changed everything. Now I spend half my week walking a reactive dog and the other half with Mity who loves every dog and everybody he sees. It has thrown me off my game. I’m losing touch with BD’s body language. I don’t trust myself to read a strange dog’s body language and I feel like I have taken a massive step back and it is affecting him. I worry our bond is not as strong as it once was, and I feel like after everything else I am losing him too.

When he separated from his pre-me ex, BD started with his reactivity. When we separated I didn’t want BD to take a step back and so asked to continue to have access. Hell, I didn’t want to give up the dog I love, the dog who in some ways feels like my first dog. I was losing my house, my home and him I didn’t want to lose BD as well. Bd and Mity have helped me face every day, given me something to get out of bed for. But am I just being selfish? By struggling to rebuild our relationship and closeness am I doing an already confused and scared dog more harm???

But when he curls up on my knee or greats me with the stupid grin on his face. Can I walk away? Should I walk away?

I’m back here again

I miss him. Even today, when I have spent the full day flirting with another guy. I miss him so much I feel sick and could burst into tears.

I have found someone new and lovely.Let’s called him Bob. However in true how do I pick them style, Bob is a divorced father of two who is old than him and his eldest daughter is only a few years younger than me. Don’t worry I know that this is never going to be anything. But Bob is being sweet, attentive and reminding me of him when we first got together.

Their sense of humour is very similar, the conversations are very similar to the first conversations we had, and it is killing me! Hell, they even have very similar jobs. They have similar likes, in fact the only thing they don’t have in common is that Bob thinks he is an idiot for ending it with me, whereas he…well who the hell knows what he’s thinking. All I know is I didn’t mean enough that he fought for me, for us.

I feel like I’m in a catch 22. Until I find someone new, I won’t begin to get over him, but before I don’t feel I can find someone new until I have moved on. I would hate to be 4 years down the line and say “we met too soon” after the previous relationship – I’ve received that conversation and it’s no fun!

I don’t know if part of this is panic that things are finishing on my house. I know have a completion date. And although this does get me uber excited, it also scares the hell out of me. It’s as if I had somehow marked certain situations that would bring him back. His birthday, my birthday, our 4 year anniversary, Christmas, Valentines Day… yet he doesn’t come back. I know he isn’t going to, but I still want him back. Even after everything, all I want is for him to take me in his arms and make it all ok. Because he could. If he really wanted to he could turn up on my doorstep right this second and begin to make everything ok. Only he won’t. He doesn’t want to. And that also makes me feel sick.

Brutal honest over-share!

I was bullied out of the first ‘proper job’ I had. My boss took a dislike to me. Probably because I called him out on his comment “Girls don’t get drugged and raped, they get drunk and stupid!”. I know total prat!

Anyway, he told another of my colleagues that he was going to get rid of me (she wasn’t a particularly nice person either!) and he did. It took him 5 years, and I had a near complete break down, but he finally got me out of a job that I loved and had trained for. The way he did this was to completely distort my perception of reality. If someone was nice to me, he would say they hated me. If I did something well, he would find fault. If someone else made a mistake, he would blame me. At first I knew he was just being an ass but 5 years later he had me considering driving into a motorway barrier (the one in the middle of a pretty major motorway) to try and get a few weeks off sick. I didn’t want to kill myself….. just break a few bones!
During this time, another colleague had become a bit of a confident. She pointed out that I could do no right. Warned me about the pair of them and their planning and provided a much needed shoulder to cry on. I thought I could count on her. I trusted her. Then I was sent a way on a course for a few days and returned to work to find that not only had she had told these two everything but she had added a twist; I was going after their jobs to get them fired. This lead to tribunals, my first lot of counselling and finally me telling the company where they could shove their job. I was warned by three healthy professionals that I could not go back into that offer and so I walked out of that job on Christmas eve, with no idea where I was going and what my future held.

Whilst off sick from work, I was introduced to a new guy. He was older, he was wiser…..he was a toad. I should have seen the signs, but I wasn’t in a good place. He started off being a shoulder to cry on. Then he suggested we should meet in private. Told me he cared. Told me his wife didn’t understand him. Told me he had told her that he felt unloved and she didn’t care. Told me he loved me. Told me he would leave her for me.
This relationship took me to some pretty dark places. I am not going to share details but I was not in a good place. Despite all this I really believed he cared for me. Even after it ended I thought he was a good friend and I had no reason to suspect anything different. Until a few weeks ago when it turns out whilst doing this with me he was doing it to another vulnerable woman I know. Seems that this guy has a type and it is vulnerable woman. He takes them under his wing, and then slowly manipulates us. I think he has moved onto his new target. She is young, naïve and going through some shit – hell she’s me four years ago when this happened. However she doesn’t see this. She thinks he is wonderful. I worry about her but what more can I do?

He and BD pulled me out of all this. Meeting him gave me the strength to get out of the really really bad ‘relationship’. He taught me the true meaning of love. He made me feel safe and secure. He made me happier than I ever thought possible.

As a result of the bullying, I am still in counselling. I feel weak to admit that I am still affected on a daily basis as a result of the shit that I was put through by this boss. My boss made me doubt my ability to read a situation – this was his big head fuck trick that he left me with. This is what drove me to a complete break down. Even now I am not 100% certain of a situation until I have overshared it with friends and family. It was one of the problems in my relationship. It is what has sent me back to counselling.

I trusted the boss, eventually.

I trusted the toad, for years.

I don’t trust myself to understand a situation.

Slowly through my relationship I got better at this.

I have told you multiple times that I feel he was the one. I was prepared to marry him had he asked, and had he not asked I was happy to live in sin for the rest of my life. I wanted to be with him, and was confident in our love. Confident that we were soul mates. Confident that I had found the one. Even when it went wrong, even now I am hanging on to the fact that deep down I know he is the one.

If I am wrong about this, I don’t know how I will every recover. If I am wrong about this, how will I ever trust myself to understand any situation ever again. If I am wrong about this…

Post break up…flapjack

In a move that I will admit to not completely understanding I have had the most weird post break up reaction yet and at 8pm tonight I decided that I had to make flapjack. Right then and there. I felt that had I not made flapjack it would have made me into some sort of failure, and that I had completely wasted the day and then the tears started.

And so I made flapjack, not letting the fact that I didn’t have working scales, a recipe, a baking tray or baking parchment put me off! I just kinda threw oats, brown sugar, gold syrup and butter into a pan and prayed.

Currently the flapjack is in the over. If it has stuck to the oiled bun tins (all I could find) then I think I may have some sort of further break down – which will at least give me content for tomorrow!! But if not fingers crossed it’ll turn out ok, and i can force feed it to people at work on Monday.

In the meantime while I am waiting for it to bake, I have cleaned the kitchen, made a coffee, typed out this post, and made myself some peppermint fondants – because why wouldn’t you??

O well at least I’m being productive right??