the straw that broke the camels back!

It’s funny really. I feel I may have made this exact same comment a few hundred times and I am sure you are sick and tired of reading it, but this time it feels different.

He has been on his holidays for a week, skiing in a resort that the two of us holidayed at the year before last. On the last night of his holiday I got a message from him asking how I was, how BD was and indicating that he had spent the entirety of the holiday sending me drunken messages but due to him being rubbish he had sent them to an old messaging system which I no longer have and so haven’t received any of them. His message indicated he had just realised and so was contacting me on the right system now. I won’t lie my heart did some sort of flip and my guts hugged themselves in glee thinking finally he has realised what he has given up. I sent back a text saying the BD was fantastic and queried the drunken messages he had been sending for a week. His response, “O no not for the week, just one picture, of a ski lift we picnicked on as part of that summer holiday.”

This man just doesn’t seem to think. Did he not think how much the idea of him drunkenly wanting to message me would mean to me? Did he not realise how much receiving an out of the blue holiday snap of a previous highly memorable holiday spot would fuck me up? That I would spend days analysing what the message would mean. Did it mean he loved me. did it mean nothing?! I don’t know whether it is because I have spent a week with no contact from him, or I am just sick and tired of all this but this time I am hurt, angry and utterly pissed off.

I am walking away. He doesn’t get to do this any more. I know I have said this a million and one times before but this time it feels different.

Yes, I still love him. Yes, I still want him back despite knowing I deserve so much better. Yes, I am still living with a pain in my heart that just seems to grow. But NO, no longer does he have it his way. No, we can no longer be friends.

To him “I loved you despite everything. I loved you while you figured yourself out and claimed to be fighting for us. I loved you when you threw me out. I loved you when you hurt me time and time again. I meant it when I gave you my heart forever. Hell it’s still yours now. But you don’t get to do this any more.”

I am taking a stand, throwing myself off a cliff and moving on!