I’m so excited!!

Tonight I get to see BD, and ok it will only be for a few hours but I am looking forward to it so much that I couldn’t sleep last night.

I am worried however that seeing him for a few hours is a completely selfish act? Am I not better to let him forget all about me? Will it be too traumatic for him to see me and have to leave me again? Will it hurt me to much to see BD and OH?

I am hoping that the weather will be nice so we can go on a nice walk, but I am a complete wuss and so if it is too dark we will just stay at my parents, play with Mitys toys and cuddle on the floor. Mity and BD have always gotten on fine, until one day I let my guard down and BD had a growl at Mity – I will never forgive myself for that laps in judgement as now they are only ever so slightly on edge when they are together. Or are they, my dad had them both one day while I took mum shopping and he said they were fine together so I hope I’m not putting an edgy feeling into the room?

I just want the few hours I have with BD to be amazing, and not to have to worry – I love him so much! OH said to me would I be as upset about the break-up if I wasn’t loosing the dog and house as well, and I must admit this is something I have thought about.

I am trying not to put too much emphasis on tonight in terms of me and OH. I have had friends advise me to look my best, remind him what he is missing, I have had other people tell me not to do this and cut them both out of my life forever, one friend told me to dress smart casual and when I suggested skinny jeans and a hoody the comment back was “do it you have a great arse” so things aren’t all bad! However I do know I will be gutted when he doesn’t fall on his knees and beg me to take him back and there is a tiny part of me that is questioning if my need to see BD is tied in to my need to see OH? Although I know that if OH wasn’t dropping him off I would still want to see him, but hey I like to stress and analyse every scenario!

One of my friends has strongly advised me against tonight, saying that if I want OH back I should completely cut him out of my life for the next three months otherwise how will he know that he wants me? This makes me sad, angry, concerned and worried. Why when it comes to something as life changing as matters of the heart do we have to play games? Why do you have to play hard to get to get the guy? Why do boys from a young age decide pushing a girl over in the playground is the way to show you care?

Why is it so wrong to wear your heart on your sleeve?

You’ve got mail

Yes I am showing my age slightly but who cares!!

Trying to figure out what should happen in a split, that isn’t really a split. When your OH tells you he needs you to move out to think, but then can’t tell you if this is going to be a permanent split or just a few months while he takes some time dealing with issues that he should have dealt with before you two got together and it feels as if he has taken your heart and smashed it against the rocks of despair, you kinda have to make it up as you go along. Well meaning family and friends will offer advice, shoulders to cry on and a glass of wine or three but in the end it is up to the two of you to make up the rules.

I know that if we are going to get back together, OH has to miss me. I know I have had to leave for him to realise what he has lost, and I know that as much as I want to call him and tell him about my day, I can’t. The problem is I am rubbish at self-control and OH seemed to think that despite the fact we were splitting up, it would be great for me to call him every day, to tell him about my day and let him sort out my problems (sorry but if you don’t get to feel like your in a relationship, without the commitment, not if your dating me!) so when a very wise friend of mine suggested we took some time out from each other, a period of no contact unless necessary, I jumped at the idea!

My friend suggested a month, I said I thought it would take OH at least 6 months – 1 year to sort out his head, and somehow a period of 3 months was suggested. I liked this idea, and so proudly came home….trying to pretend I was not going to be completely destroyed by this split, and that I was taking control of the situation…and told OH that I was bringing in radio silence for 3 months (which later became until the 31st Dec – new year, new start see what I did?!). He hated the idea since the minute I suggested it, but this time I stuck by my guns and so after a initial wobble 5 minutes after he had left and responding to his I have arrived safely text, radio silence has been instigated. Last night I cried on my friends shoulder at the realisation that for the first time in over 3.5 years we had contact for more than 24 hours…

And then this morning I walked into work to see he had sent me an email funny. What does that mean? I have looked at the date and time of this email, he is abroad and usually this means his internet is switched off on his phone, does this mean that he sent it a week ago and it has only just landed, is he sat missing me and thinking about me regretting his decision, or does it mean absolutely nothing????

????????????????

One, Two, Three, Four…. I declare a chair war!!

When deciding to live together OH and I took the decision that (for the moment_ we will beg, borrow and steal (Ok we don’t actual steal but you know what I mean) most of the furniture we bring into our house. We are yet to decorate, still, and neither of us saw the point in buying something for the sake of buying it, better borrow or do without now and then buy a piece of furniture when we find the right thing and have totally fallen in love with it, and it matches the colour scheme or dictates the scheme.

This attitude has saved us a buck or two as we did very nearly spend an extremely large amount of money, in a very expensive furniture store when we fell in love with a lounge and dinning room set. We oo’d and aaah’d and after much discussiom decided to be sensible and wait until we had moved in, I may have sulked a little. In hindsight this was a brilliant idea as in our minds, since visiting the house and signing for it, the house had almost double in size and there is no way the couch would fit into our house never mind all the matching items we had our eyes on! Anyway I digress.. (yes I can sense your surprise!)

So back to the actual story….My dad contacted me the other day to see if we wanted 4 garden chairs that he had before throwing them away, I immediately said yes knowing how useful they would be. However, I did not share this story with OH straight away as every time I look at something for the house I am usually met with a “we have no room”, “where will that live” “what are you going to throw out, before that comes in my house” (delete as appropriate) response. So I held off telling him until he was in a good mood (or drunk – you have no idea how much I get away with after he has had a glass or two!)

Unfortunately I left waiting for the perfect moment too long, and was given the ultimatum by my father – come and get them, or I will give them to your sister. So as I was going for tea that night I took the brave (or foolish – you decide) decision that I wanted the chairs and it is my house too so I would bring them home with me… I did share my plan with one of my colleagues who brilliantly suggested that I smuggled said chairs into the house without OHs knowledge and then just pulled them out one day in front of guests claiming we had always had them, and berating his memory – I have to admit I was very tempted!

So I turned up at my dads house for tea and loaded my 4 garden chairs into the back of my car….. the only problem was he also had some folding chairs which a friend of his had dropped round which were no longer wanted. They were so light, and small, and ideal I just couldn’t help but add those additional 4 chairs to the back of my car as well, well they would make the perfect Christmas chairs!! (yes I forward plan)

It was after dark when I returned home with my now 8 chairs, so sneaking the items into the house unnoticed was not an option. Instead I came in as if everything was normal and went to bed. The next morning OH flung open the curtains looked out at my back seat and enquired as to the contents of my boot. I have to admit, to begin with I feigned sleep.

Now a small digression, (my blog, my rules) as OH and I are beginning to live together we are turning into each other, the phrases I often say which he hates, he now says (which I only point out and laugh every other time) and I have lost some of my willing to please other people and stand my ground. Back to story….

So when I decided feigning sleep for the rest of my life may not work as a diversion tactic and opened my eyes OH asked me what was in the back of my car. I very helpfully replied “stuff” and ran to hide in the bathroom (See I am becoming him – The stuff response, not the hiding in the bathroom, he doesn’t do that!).

When I came out of the bathroom, and finally got the chairs out the car OH admitted that I am a genius (didn’t actually happen) and I was allowed to keep all of my chairs (did actually happen!)

Struggling

So I have had a blog for what a couple of months now and I seem to be struggling for content. Only that isn’t really true, I am struggling with what content to share.

When I started this blog I wanted it to be about my life, a place where I could be open and honest about my past experiences, my future hopes and share my life with what I hope would become a worldwide group of friends. I read so many brilliant blogs, as part of my job, and I saw the friendship and support they received and I wanted that for me.

The problem is that a lot of my story is wrapped up in OH, since I first met him I knew he was something a little special, to the extent that I took a massive decision and applied for a job where the only reason I was applying was the job location was close to where OH worked and so I hoped that would lead to a ‘living together’ conversation in the future (which it did whoop me!)
However now I am very aware that his story is his story and not mine to share, but how do I share so much of what is going on with me, and what I want to write about with letting some of his story out? His past is affecting my future, and I want to share that future with you, but can’t without sharing a little of his past. Do you see the circle?

OH has suffered from a past relationship, and I can see that suffering affecting our relationship, in the same way that the bullying and mind games I suffered are affecting our relationship but whereas I can share my past where’s the line as to what I share of his?
Any thoughts?

it’s not nagging – I am just reminding you for the 100th time!

Since moving in with OH he has complained multiple times that I have started to nag and at inconvenient times, I wonder if that could be seen as a nag from him??! Anyway the worst part is I am completely aware that I have started to nag but I have argued, and will continue to argue, that it is not my fault I nag, and all some of the blame rests firmly on his shoulders!!

Examples from the last 12 hours (And as one is last night and one this morning, please note that we were asleep for at least 8 of the last 12 hours!):

The Loo seat: Last night when getting in to bed I ‘nagged’ about him leaving the toilet seat up. I would not have had to mention the toilet seat had it not been for the fact that five minutes before getting into bed I had gone to the loo and proceeded to fall down the bowl resulting in a wet back and top of legs!! For those of you who have never fallen down the bowl not only are you very lucky, but trust me this is not a pleasant experience, can sometimes hurt and I was completely justified in mentioning it! Now his counter argument of “I should have seen the seat was up and put it down” is justified, however I have been living with him for just over a month and this is not the first time he has not lowered the seat!!

Metal utensils in non-stick pans: Now this little gem I learnt the hard way, when on my first night at Uni, when desperate to make a good impression on my new housemates, I used a scrubbing brush to clean a non-stick pan – and so I learnt that plastic utensils and leaving to soak are the only way to avoid buying a new pan every time you cook! Now I know that OH loves metal utensils, he thinks they look better and refuses to have my plastic ones on show in the kitchen and I have not argued this point, however this morning when I came down to find a metal spoon and scratches inside my new rice cooker, despite (and this is the REALLY annoying bit) the plastic spatula that came with rice cooker sitting clean on the side, waiting to be put away, I mentioned to him that I didn’t want to nag but…. Were still not talking to each other!
So my new year’s resolution for this year (which I wasn’t going to make) …… OH I promise I will stop nagging….. if you promise to stop giving me things to nag about!!!!!

My weekend

How to have a weekend like mine:

Friday:

  • Stay late at work to catch up on mountain of paper work which has built up to due to a two week holiday.
  • Drive half hour commute home (getting stuck behind idiot who only ever drives at 40 mph regardless of speedlimit!)
  • Throw tea down my neck as racing out to a fundraising quiz.
  • Pack bags for weekend with blokey (I hate packing and am the worlds worst packer) ensuring to pack more than you need so everyone looking at your overnight bag will assume you are leaving home.
  • Race to fundraiser to find out the friend you were meeting for a good catch up (and honestly the main reason you were going) wasn’t coming.
  • Finish quiz at 10.30pm and race to blokeys house.
  • Find blokey isn’t at house and instead go to meet him at a local club (11pm) & relax.

Saturday:

  • Have a well deserved lie in
  • Take dog for walk – remember just before putting walking boots on, but having driving to walk location (it was a long way from blokeys home, I am not just lazy!) that walking boots broke on holiday and I am missing 1/3 of my sole.
  • Decide to set off on walk, but as not feeling 100% don’t point out to blokey that he has decided not to follow the path and end up wandering around water logged fields aimlessly!
  • Misjudge what you think is a reed bed, and rather than jumping onto a firm surface end up in water and other substances you would rather not identify up to your ankles!
  • On pulling foot out with broken sole, ensure you have a sole full of above mentioned yuck and flick it over your back!
  • Continue on walk, despite sole getting worse.
  • Once only 1/3 of sole is attached to shoe, ensure you get sole stuck under boot and when flicking foot to release sole cover the front half of you in the above mentioned yuck!
  • Decide to abandon walk, and head into town to purchase new pair or walking boots.
  • Realise on route to town you did not bring your purse with you as you were going on a walk (something which rarely happens) and smile sweetly at blokey.
  • Get to town and remember your socks are brown as your broken walking boots leaked, borrow blokeys socks.
  • Find pair you like with amazing discount on and discover there is a loose stitch which runbs your heal, decide you can mend shoes at home but try and get a discount (succeed) but have this discount cause massive chaos at the tills.
  • Go to visit relatives and play with two young neices (3 and 6 years old).
  • Take them for a walk, when heading home watch in horror as littlest neice falls while skipping and outs teeth through lips! Despite best efforts to comfort carry screaming child home.
  • Try to sort tea.
  • Finally get screaming child to stop scream and have big sister of scream child show you her wobbley tooth which has just fallen out.
  • Try to find loose change for tooth fair (in case she is as rubbish as you and forgot her purse) and appropriate safe place to put tooth.
  • Have blokey turn up to take you home and save your day
  • Relax

Sunday:

  • Do shopping
  • Walk dog (with some training – different story!)
  • Sort out lunch
  • Race to drama rehersal for upcoming show, being organised to take flask, however enure flask leaks so you end up throwing tea all over self twice!
  • Arrive back at blokeys, start to sort out tea, have cupboard fall off wall above you while cooking!
  • Stop cooking to empty cupboard and then hold the half of the cupboard which has fallen while blokey tries to pull the other half of wall.
  • Succeed in removing cupboard, resume cooking tea and relax

Did anyone else have an eventful weekend?