Seeing red

It started out as a bit of fun, just a way to meet new people. But as time went on (and by time I mean a month or so) I started to panic about not meeting “the one”. I know deep down I wasn’t ready too but still there was a little bit of me that got carried away with the idea of not spending another valentine’s day, or my birthday, or Christmas alone. This lead to me forgetting the rules of “what will be will be” and start to worry when he didn’t wink back or why the only men who seem to approach me are 48 year old divorcees. I think it was this that lead to me falling for Edward quite so hard.

However, a few weeks back I had an epiphany, a proper light bulb moment. I strongly believe that when the time is right I will meet him, but it won’t happen until we are both ready and there is no point stressing or searching; when it is meant to be we will find each other.

This means I have managed to readjust my thoughts towards online dating, and once again I am being selective and not just falling for any guy who shoots me a smile, and rather naughtily I am trying to tell the guys who contact me exactly what I think (yes, this may have a little something to do with my time of the month as well, but let’s overlook that!)

Here are the three sure fire ways, that your well-intended message will have me seeing red:

The first thing is an introductory message which goes along the lines of “Hi, I’m d*ckhead. I just wanted to tell you how beautiful you are. Surely you are too beautiful to be single” This message annoys me because it implies I am a liar. Random gentleman, are you accusing me of using someone else’s picture to lure people to my profile or is that you think I am in a long term committed relationship and yet want a little something something on the side? So your first message is to accuse me of being a lying cheat!

The second comment that has me contemplating murder is the phrase “it would be better with you!” Usually this is muttered by some guy after we have chatted for a bit, but before we have agreed on a first date. So far I have been told their day, food, evening, pizza, weekend, bike ride and anything else you can imagine would be better if I was alongside. I get it. I really do, we all have had enough of being alone and we all want someone to spend those special moments with BUT you do not know me. How do you know spending any time in my presences at all will be enjoyable? We could argue over films, or which restaurant to eat in, conversation could run out, I could turn out to be a man with 3 heads (I am not). Although I know this is coming from a sweet place it still makes me see red!

The final faux pa that has me seeing read is being referred to as “Babe”. I don’t know why but call me babe and I will be considering chopping off your man hood with a blunted spoon.

Maybe I should have an ‘approach with caution’ sign somewhere on my profile!!

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A bad date

Three weeks. That’s how long I had been looking forward to it, Three whole weeks. From the moment I knew he was willing to travel to meet me in my home town and go out for dinner I knew.

For newer readers (I like to think there are some of you) I am a massive foodie. I love cooking new things and I adore eating out. However, with the new house, a tight budget, friends all saving like crazy and no ‘other half’ to treat me I can count on one hand the number of times I have been out to eat over the last 12 months. In fact, I am not fully convinced that my willingness to attempt online dating wasn’t fueled by the idea of lots of lovely restaurants, and meals out hopefully with him picking up the bill (after all I hope chivalry isn’t dead!)

I hadn’t been to this particular restaurant for a while. I had popped in for drinks to the bar bit, but not ventured into the restaurant.

I had decided within minutes what I wanted to order “prawn and chorizo salad for starters, confit belly pork with leeks and mash and a cider jus for main with a delicious looking chocolate orange pudding for desert”.

I asked him if we were doing starters. He said he would prefer to just do mains. Gutted I said goodbye to the prawns and chorizo (two of my favourite things). The waitress came and we placed our order.

5 minutes later the waitress returned to apologies. They had run out of his order and asked if he would like to see the menu again. He refused and said he just wouldn’t eat anything.

8 minutes later they came back to see if he had changed his mind. He hadn’t. They asked me what I wanted to do and I told them “It’s fine just cancel it all”.

I should have thought sod him and just ordered. But I worried too much what he would think, how it would look…and I think a little bit of me was in shock, who comes out for a ‘first’ dinner date comments he’s had nothing since breakfast and then doesn’t eat?!!

20 minutes in and the conversation had dried up. I looked around for help but the serving staff were giving us a wide burst. Understandable really after all who comes into a restaurant and then refuses to order food?!

30 minutes in and the only thing keeping me there was the notion that the date should at the very least last longer than his journey to come and meet me.

An hour in and I was wishing his pint away (seriously, an hour to drink one pint). I had supped my drink well over 40 minutes ago, and as the waitress was giving me a wide birth, I was amusing myself crunching on ice.

An hour and 10 minutes in I was starving. I had decided the guy was a definite no go and had decided ‘sod it’ I will just order food. Then it dawned on me the kitchen was closed.

An hour 15 minutes in he started mentioning how hungry he was, and how much he was looking forward to getting a takeaway when he got home. (It is here that I deserve an award for not telling him exactly what I thought about him!)

An hour and 30 minutes in, having spent the last 15 minutes tell me how hungry he was, he sighed and I told him if he was tired I was happy to end the date and let him get off. You have never seen me put my coat on so fast.

I let him walk me to the car, thanked him for making the effort to come and meet me and hightailed it to the nearest Chinese.

 

Yearning

I had a bad date last night, and it didn’t have the desired effect. I had hoped that by dating a few people my heart would yearn for Edward and I would know… this guy who was so right on paper was right for me; and that it wasn’t that I didn’t fancy him, and could see me getting board of him within the month that was stopping me from committing but fear holding me back. The bad date made me yearn alright…but it wasn’t for Edward.

All it did was make me miss the ex. I missed how easy the conversation was even in the early days, how he would look at me and I would feel my ovaries skip a beat or how when we were together the rest of the world slipped away.

It made me look back wistfully over our time together and yet again resent him for giving up too easily and moving on too fast.

I ended the evening upset and missing him; well the guy I thought he was.

He ran

I told him I needed time… so he ran.

I told him I wasn’t sure… so he ran.

I told him the truth…so he ran.

Edward has decided that he isn’t willing to wait any longer, to give ourselves time to get to know each other. He wants exclusivity now or he wants to bang on the friends label. I wanted to just wait and see.

This morning I woke up to the ‘we should be friends’ text. I have to admit to been disappointed.

I thought he was different. I hoped and prayed he was different.

I just needed time to get to know him, was that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

Is honesty the best policy?

Men are asses and just when I start to waver in this opinion one comes along to prove to me right. I know I am partly to blame, at least with this original ass but still. (yes, I can see the hypocrite in me, but it’s my blog so I will rant if I want to)

Edward has organised a date with someone else. That fact bothers me more than it should, but it’s not the fact he has organised another date that has bugged me, it is the manner in which he has done it.

After our last date I was a little disappointed. The guy I met in person bared very little similarities to the guy I had fallen for online. (Yes, fallen for… I know) and it made me doubt if I had just gotten carried away with not being alone.

We openly, and I honestly, discussed our feelings and I admitted to wanting to see him again. But that I didn’t know if I was ready to be exclusive.

I then went on a girl’s night out and a met a guy, who turned out to be a complete ass, but none the less there were fireworks and a little bit of me resented Edward because I felt it would be unfair to act on these feelings while we still hadn’t fully defined what we are.

Another long phone call later and Edward and I had decided that we would continue to go on dates (rather than just meet up as friends) but that we were both free to do what we want. The only promise being made was that we would be upfront and honest. I didn’t want to be sat at home thinking he was pinning for me, when in actual fact he was out pulling anything with a pulse.

So we both continued to chat to each other, we planned a second date (which I had to cancel twice cause I’m still not well) and we both continued to chat to whomever we met online.

I have since met a few guys who I am interested in enough to swap numbers and potentially meet in person. None of these guys are perfect, but I have a ‘what the hell’ attitude; a drink and a bit of conversation (hopefully) never hurt anyone. I considered telling Edward about these guys, but until there was a potential date in the pipeline I didn’t really see the point.

The today I was asked out by one of them, and I said yes.

I have a date with Edward planned for tonight and I wanted to tell him before seeing him. His response was to tell me he had been asked out by someone too. I was a bit upset he hadn’t told me, as we had agreed to be honest, and it did make me wonder if he was quite the honest open guy he seems. But he then went on to tell me he had turned her down.

Then a few minutes later I got an “I’ve organised a date with someone else too” message. And I have got to say I am a little disappointed. It feels like this date is somehow this date is a revenge date, going ahead purely because I am seeing someone else. I don’t want that. If he meets someone who is interested in and wants to meet up fine, but I don’t want him dating someone purely because I am. That gives me the impression that despite saying he was fine with me taking time to figure my shit out he in fact isn’t, which means I need to decide to commit or walk away, and if he is forcing me into that decision then I will walk away.

I am not sleeping with all these people. I am not even kissing all these people. I am just getting out there and meeting people. I tried to be open and honest. If and when the time comes I will be open and honest with the next guy.

I have to be selfish. I have to put me first.

As I said the other day, I am over the ex and I do not want to go back there. But I am not over what he did to me. The promises that he broke and the notion that by moving on I am accepting that love does not concur all. It is going to take me time to heal. The problem is if I lead with absolute honest, but the guys I talk to don’t. How do I move forwards without running the risk of hurting someone?

It still hurts

The realisation I am still not fully over him comes with a jolt. It was a simple conversation over BD where the words “I’m not coming straight home” lead to me wondering if he was going to see her…

It’s not the fact he has moved on that hurts. It’s the realisation that I don’t matter. Whereas once he changed his diary to fit in with mine, now I am barely an afterthought; probably not even that.

We would have been trying for children now. Had he not ended it; had he not said enough. He was my world, and he left. That is the hard bit. It’s ironic really. He was the one who was always pushing for more. I was on his car insurance within weeks of us getting together, he introduced me to his family a week after we became ‘official’. Was it ever about me? Or was he just desperate to shoe horn me into the gap his ex had left?

It’s that thought that hurts the most; that continues to sting.

It could never have been about me. I joked whilst we were together that I would be nothing if we ever split up. I wasn’t the ex. I wasn’t the first one he dated after he split up with her (something I was always thankful for) but that meant I would be nothing.

He had the first woman he lived with. The woman he married. (different woman) Then my name was added to the long list of woman who he had just ‘had a relationship with’. At the time he would laugh at me and claim I would always matter, I would never be just another notch… yet now I doubt everything he ever said to me. I wonder if he meant anything…

Actually, that isn’t completely true. I was the first person I lived with after his wife. I suppose that would get me a small part in the movie of his life. I was the only person who never cheated on him. I was the only person who he has ever ended it with. Lucky me.

It’s not the fact that the relationship has ended that I find so hard to deal with. It’s the fact that he no longer cares. The fact I am nothing to him. That thought still has the power to wind me, and bring tears to my eyes.

I was talking to a friend last night about the various guys I am talking to online. She laughed when I was telling her that actually I am talking to a few – currently I am talking to 11 different blokes. Some I could be interested in, some that I am not. And I admitted to her something I have been trying to deny to myself for a while. Although I have moved on, and do not want to go back, I don’t want to move forwards either.

I am still finding it hard to accept that love will not conquer all. I find it harder still to accept that I was so wrong about my feelings for him, and his for me. I thought what we had was special. I thought what we had was forever.

I doubt myself. I doubt my ability to read a situation. With the help of my counsellor I have identified that this ‘doubt’ stemmed for a few events in my childhood, and that the ‘bully’ picked up on this and then a psychopath decided to help me overcome the bully… looking past over the last 10 years of my life just seems to be a repetition of me trusting someone, trusting my gut and then been proven MASSIVELY wrong. And it is happening again with the ex.

I don’t want to be wrong again. I know I am, but I really didn’t want to be.

I am not loving this latest development

I don’t know what is wrong with me or what has brought this on. Do you think I can blame it on the flu or something? I am seriously hoping it has something to do with my cycle and this new ‘phase’ will vanish just as quickly as it arrived…I can’t believe I am about to openly admit this.

I am MASSIVELY broody. I am sticking a cushion up my jumper to see what I will look like pregnant broody. It’s complete and utter madness and I have no idea where it has come from.

I want to be pregnant. I am looking at other pregnant ladies and the green mist descends and I can’t help but look down at my flat(ish) tummy and wish it was me.

What is wrong with me?

I mean seriously what is wrong with me?

I haven’t been this broody since I was at Uni and managed to freak myself out with my broodiness when my boyfriend at the time came and stood next to me while we were stood looking into cribs (Yes, I had dragged him into Mothercares to look at baby stuff, despite no-one we knew at the time being pregnant) and I felt my uterus skip a beat. Honestly, been in that position, realising it was an actual possibility was enough to scare me for…well until now. But now it is back. I am seeing pregnant people everywhere I look and have even half considered going it alone. Although I don’t want to, not yet.

So I will pretend that this isn’t happening, and hope that a goods night sleep is enough to rid me of this new feeling. Cause if not, well heaven help me!

Does #onlinedating raise your standards?

I think in my unwillingness to ‘settle’, my concerns about getting hurt again and the smallest part of me that is still unwilling to give up on the idea that love conquers all, has led me to raise my already high standards and I am very aware that they are now at such a level no mortal may be able to reach them.

The vast majority of my previous relationships have been a result of a drunken meet up. Our eyes would meet from across the bar/pub/club and the night would end with a drunken kiss and number swap. We would then text for a few days before agreeing to meet up on our first date. Although none of these dates lead to any great romances, or even long term relationships, I got to know the guy slowly over a period of time.His ‘faults’ weren’t obvious right at the beginning of a relationship and so I was willing to give it a try and see what happens.

However, now that I am doing the online thing the first impression is a ‘profile’ which all the ‘faults’ are very obvious to see, meaning I can prejudge and walk away. I stop something even before it has started…

Separated/Divorced – red flag. My ex was separated and had never gotten over the split, not putting myself through that again. Plus when I am stood there saying “till death do us part” I don’t want to know that he has made that very promise to another woman how do I know he means it this time?

Has a child – no thanks. I want the first time I go through pregnancy, child birth, bringing home a baby to be with some who is as shit scared as I am. I don’t want him to have been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

And when you factor in the fact that I have paid money to potentially meet someone, I am putting even more weight on the ‘not settling’ after all I am officially in the market shopping, and I would hate to go home with something that isn’t quite me. I hate taking an ill fitting dress back to the shop, I wouldn’t even know where I start returning a guy!

So despite trying not to I am prejudging and leaving on the shelve some potentially great guys. Guys who I may not have dated long term had we met in real life first, but guys who I would have at least let buy me a drink.

 

I’m boring

Houston we have a problem. I think I am boring, and it turns out it is very very hard to have a blog if you are boring.

Having spent the vast majority of this week in my pjs wishing that I could last more than 4 hours without taking lempsip I have completely cut down my social life and this means that today I am sat at the computer screen with absolutely nothing to tell you. Zadda, zip. And of course this being me, my new devil may care attitude which I seem to have adopted towards dating, has not yet seeped into other aspects of my life and so I am starring at the screen worrying that my fledgling career as a blogger is already on the rocks and that rather than a handsome, rich man stumbling across my blog, falling hopelessly in love with me and me getting a happily ever after, somewhere hot, with dogs, children and a move deal to boot (cause who wouldn’t want to see a film about boy and girl meeting by chance, falling in love and overcoming some obstacles but love winning out in the end) I am in fact going to end up very much along, single and cold.

Sex dream

Last night, when I finally got to sleep after a massive coughing fit around 2am. I had the strangest dream.

I had a sex dream….

about the ex.

However, it wasn’t the usual hot, sweaty bodies writhing around kind dream. I was back in the village, in the house where we lived together. I had gone to collect BD and the ex had tried to instigate something. However, in my dream I turned him down. On a complete side note, can you call a dream in which their isn’t hot, sweaty bodies a sex dream??

I can’t remember much more of the dream. I know that in my dream I knew he was in this ‘new relationship’ and that that was the main reason I gave for saying ‘no’. I also remember that at one point I was having a cup of tea with my old next door neighbour and various other ladies of the village, who were all telling me what an arse he was… but that’s about it. Yet, it has played on my mind since I woke up and I would love to know what this dream means and why I am having it now?

My guess hope is that it is a final break through. That finally I can slam the door on that chapter of my life, but I think deep down that is not yet the case.

I think I still hate him.

I think I need other people to hate him too.

12 weeks, 12 weeks to climb out of my bed and into hers… I know I can’t keep going over this. But meeting Edward has opened up wounds that I thought I had dealt with. Edwards has ignited some sparks, yet I find they burn for the idiot ex and not for this lovely new guy. Actually they burn for the man I thought my idiot ex was; the man who never existed. The man I see on a weekly basis, despite me asking him to keep away, to swop BD with isn’t the guy I long for. He isn’t the guy I want to keep me warm at night, or creep into my dreams, or creep into my bed. The man in front of me is a pale imitation of the man I loved…

I realise that it has only been since I found out about ‘her’ that I have really began to move on. That despite ‘on paper’ being single for a year and a half, that for me at least it has only been months since I gave up hope but I don’t want him in my dreams. Regardless of his role. My dreams are my own, they are not tied up in him any more – just how do i get that message through to my subconscious?