Need to do better

If I’m honest I am struggling a little. Getting my house ready is taking over my life. My daily routine is alarm clock…hit the snooze button….hit the snooze button….hit the snooze button..take into account that this is the last time it will go off so force myself awake and wait until an acceptable time to get out of bed. I don’t know about you but I will only get up at 6.40, 6.45, 6.50 etc if I am for 6.45 and look at my clock and it says 6.46 well I juts have to lie in bed until 6.50. Just me??

ha ha it's true!
ha ha it’s true!

At the moment this little wake up routine sees me jump into the shower and throw on some closes in just under 10 minutes. I stopped wearing make up for work and stuff about the time of the break up. I was hoping it would help sort out my skin, it hasn’t massively but I’m not bothered about switching back, it’s a little liberating and now I have a slightly healthy colour so on days when my skin is playing ball I quite like the ‘natural beauty’ thing! I grab my handbag and my lunch and head out the door. Work until lunchtime. Then try and come up with something witty and insightful to say whilst I eat my lunch, try to catch up with blogger friends. Realise I should have been researching something for the house, abandon catching up with people or my post and sort out ‘important grown up job’. Feel bad for not giving you guys the time and effort you deserve.

Finish lunch, work till home time. Try to get out of the door at work as close to home time as possible and head to the house. Do some form of DIY until Dad arrives with my tea (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, currently my dad is cooking and bringing my tea to me at the house). Do DIY until about 8pm, clean up til 8.30pm head back to folks house about 9.20pm. Say hello to mum and Mity and as I currently have the mother of all colds go to bed.

I feel that I should be doing better with so many aspects of my life right now. My friends are amazing, but seeing them means a night away for the house and so they are all on hold until my house is sorted, unless it’s their birthday in which case the house goes on hold. My job does not inspire me, hence the morning routine and I feel stuck.

I want me life to matter. I want to feel that it matters that I wake up in the morning but right now I feel everything is on hold. I want to do more with my blog, I want to do more with my life. But I have responsibilities now..I have bills and a mortgage and so I cross another day out of my diary and move onto the next one.

I want more than this. I need to step up… but I don’t know what I am stepping up too!

DIY is really soft porn.

I realised this yesterday while I was advising you all how not to remove a radiator.

It started when I put ‘screw’ and ‘cock’ next to each other, yes my mind is in the gutter, and after that… well I couldn’t resist finding a way to get ‘gushing’ into the story.

But this isn’t just me that hears DIY and thinks porn. I’ve started to enjoy watching people try not to react when I tell them I have spent the night “stripping” even more fun when you invite people to come and join you (although I’m having massive issues with letting anyone help me, so I am only making that offer to people who I know won’t take me up on it!!)

And if the “stripping” doesn’t get a significant reaction. Well then I move on to telling the poor person how I have become addicted to “un-screwing” anything I can get my hands on, and will in fact walk round the office or my parents house, and notice every screw and ponder how easy it would be to “unscrew” that screw. Hell, I nearly unscrewed the first aid kit bracket from the wall at my work with a letter opener while waiting for the printer to print. Yes, my name is Lauranne and I have a problem.

However, the comment of the DIY make over goes to my friend, how when I was regaling with my new “screw” obsession announces “When I first moved into my house, I screwed and screwed until I was screwed out!!”

There was an image about BJ's which I didn't download yesterday when I started this, and can't find now despite searching for the exact same terms - grr!! Laugh at this instead, and if you can link it to porn even better - comments below!! :0)
There was an image about BJ’s which I didn’t download yesterday when I started this, and can’t find now despite searching for the exact same terms – grr!! Laugh at this instead, and if you can link it to porn even better – comments below!! :0)

My ‘I don’t need a man, I have a house’ house

What can I say, this last week has been madly busy, stressful, had highs and lows…but I have loved every single second of it so far! I have owned my little house for just over 2 weeks now, (although I was away for one, so that doesn’t really count!) and the change in me in this time is mad. I feel more empowered than I have in a long time, possibly ever, and I love it!!!

The move hasn’t gone exactly as I had planned, or hoped. In fact the move hasn’t happened. On getting into the house properly it became pretty obvious pretty quickly that the house is in a worse state than I originally thought and so I am having to completely gut the house prior to me moving in. I’ll be honest, being able to put my own stamp on my house straight away is lovely, but I had hoped to move in and save for a few years before having to totally gut the house and my finances are not loving this DIY thing as much as I am!

My first few visits to my house I was a little unsure about what I was going to do. I would discuss every step with my folks, who have been amazing, and listen to their views and opinions and kinda do things their way. However, one evening when I was in there alone, I had the lightening bolt moment of realising that this is my house. Mine alone. I can do exactly what I want to it. And so I did. I started pulling the damp wallpaper off by hand. I have to admit it is addictive and I loved it. I also loved that I was doing it. I wasn’t asking my dad (or him) to help me with something, bowing down to their greater knowledge, or accepting that guys just kinda do DIY while I help. You know the holding the paint pot, or passing the power tool, or watching them take down the curtain rail which is in the way so I can continue to strip. (Not either of them would not let me, but we just seemed to assume the stereotypical man and woman roles!)

I was making up what I was doing as I went along, doing it alone, and you know what…. I was doing ok.

Over this last week my confidence has continue to grow. I have haggled over prices with workmen. I have removed curtain rails, doors, shelves and tonight a radiator, all by myself (ok my dad will be aiding me tonight, but that’s more because despite the man on YouTube doing it alone, I think removing the radiator is a two person job!). I have taken down random bits of wood, and organised for an electrician to teach me how to wire in new electric lights. So far in my house nothing has happened that I haven’t done myself – and it’s amazing!

I am now going to the other side where when people offer to help I shy away from the offer. This is my house and I want to… I need to… do it alone.

I’m not at the point of thanking him for putting me in this position, but I am feeling sorry for my friends who have moved from the family home to a house with their boyfriends and husbands as they (I hope) will never have to do this alone. And part of me envies their successful relationships, and having some to cuddle up to in an evening and holiday with. But going it alone in my house isn’t half bad!!!

I know I am going to come across challenges and that I won’t always be this pumped. In fact when I couldn’t get one stubborn screw out I burst into tears because I still miss him. But I am so amazed by the change in me in the last few weeks, I am excited to see how I will continue to grow over the next few months!!

I’m back

Sorry to suddenly vanish on you, but life kinda got a little crazy and I kinda got a little messed up, but now I am back.

So what’s happened since I last bored you….

I completed on my little house, which you know. But on walking back into that house I suddenly realised that this time round it wasn’t going to be like last time, and not just because this time I am doing it alone. The last house we walked into was clean, tidy, completely random and put together by Mr and Mrs Bodgit but after throwing around some bleach (not literally) I was quite happy to move into the house. We completed on the Friday and on the Monday morning I left for work from my new house. This house is just a little acky and so unlike last time I am having to completely gut the house before I can move in.

Going away for a week with work really managed to mess me up. I had the most amazing time, but while I was there I missed him so much it reduced me to tears. I shed a tear every night alone in my hotel room, and sobbed all the way back to my parents house on my return. I don’t know why this trip had such an effect. I think it could have something to do with not texting him to tell him I was there safely, and trying to fit in a quick 5 minute phone call to tell him I was alive. I had the most amazing time, and really enjoyed myself but the ache I felt… it was almost like I was back leaving for the very first time. I am trying to get over him you know. There was a phone number swap with a guy, although it isn’t going to go anywhere, and I will admit to you that some drunken bar flirting with a stranger lead to a quick kiss goodbye. But I still missed him.

Coming back from the week away was hard. I think I had enjoyed escaping my life and the stuff that is going on, although I didn’t really escape anything. I think that’s why I’ve stayed away from here for a while. I have totally thrown myself into my house, and have so much to tell you about that, but even that is different to before.

However, my holiday came to an end and I can’t run any more. It’s back to reality. Don’t worry I haven’t been on a complete downer that entire time I was away, this last week I have changed so much and I have never felt so empowered and thrilled in my life. I am taking on new challenges and have realised that I am capable of doing anything I decide to do. Except it would seem get over him, or is that the problem? I don’t want to get over him, I want him back.

How did that Happen?

So what started out as a vain attempt to prove to the world that I was moving on from him, despite what I felt on the inside. Looking at houses made me feel like less of a failure, I got to pretend to the world that I was in a good place moving on.

I toyed with buying… I decided I was more sensible to rent. And then I found a three bed terrace, with conservatory, lounge, kitchen, downstairs bathroom, potential for a working fire place…. well within my budget, almost too good to be true! I put in an offer, it was accepted and then I started down this path.

I expected something to go wrong, I expected to be gazumped. I didn’t expect but secretly hoped he would come running back now I had proved I would move on without him – he didn’t.

I haven’t told many people, in fact I have shared the most with you guys. But none of my worse fears or best case scenarios came true and I have just had an email from my solicitors “They have released the keys!!”

I’ve just bought a house, properly not like offer accepted bought, like move in your furniture and go great you neighbours (I really hope they like me) bought!

How the chuffing hell did that happen?

Well, onto the next chapter as they say!!

Enough already!

It’s only Tuesday and already this week is keeping my arse. I’ve spent more Valentines days single than I have in a relationship and I know that it’s just a mass over commercialised holiday but it still sucks that I’m alone. I knew that after the loveliness that was last year. We treated ourselves to a box at the opera, with a red rose, champagne and a night at a hotel. It was lovely. I’m still struggling to comprehend that that was less than 12 months ago.

This week has seen a big family meal and a family birthday both of which has seen me doubled over in the bathroom sobbing uncontrollably. I don’t want to move on. I know I deserve better. I know that some of the stunts he pulled should have had me kicking him out, in fact I often wondered if he was being an ass to see if I would leave but I still want him and my life with him.

I’m about to start the next chapter of my life, I’ve sort of got a completion date for the house, but in my head when I move I’m going home, to my lovely house in the country, where I had bd every night and came home to him. But I’m not and it’s killing me

A bottle of wine and a really good friend.

Last night I had a lovely girlie night in with one of my closest friends. Turns out fate or whoever it is who decides to screw up our lives had the same dislike of me and her at the exact same time and the week I moved out of my house her own relationship ended and she moved into her own flat.

It has been brilliant to have someone going through the exact same emotions as me, or at least very similar. It would appear that our ex’s are now outdoing themselves to prove which is the biggest ass, and it may surprise you to learn that hers is now winning by a wide margin, although me and mine are having a ‘chat’ next week. I called him out on being full of it and he has uttered the immortal lines “we need to talk” so there is a date in the diary and well no doubt you guys will hear all about it.

The last few years haven’t always been plain sailing, and although we haven’t fallen out there was a period when our friendship was tested almost to breaking point. However it looks like we are past that and our friendship is now stronger than ever.

That being said I was slightly worried last night. You see we met at, let’s say dance class, and recently due to circumstances we have both left said dance class. Now previously when we have met up with have had that common thread to join us together and we have always had that to fall back on when conversations have dried up. And looking back through the years, as this class took up a lot of time we were seeing each other weekly but never really outside of class (other than lifts to and from class, or tea before class). I hate to admit but with the fall out and the joining thread gone I was worried that we may not have anything to talk about. Once we had finished slagging off our respective partners, our jobs and everything else we could think of where would the conversation go?

Turns out I had nothing to worry about. Once you have slagged off every man and his dog (although clearly not the dogs as I love all animals and any faults are clearly the man’s doing anyway!) you pull on your Pjs, finish off the bottle of wine, put on a slightly weird film and just be.
If that’s how we celebrate a Tuesday night, I bet you can’t wait to hear about the brilliant plans we have for Valentine’s Day. Although only in the planning stages so far we have copious amounts of wine, a zombie infestation board game and some men hating films – anyone wanna join?

really??!!

God, the universe or some other ass is working against me! Every time I make a stand and say that’s it, I’m moving on. Something happens to make me doubt that I will ever feel normal again. Something happens to make me think maybe the universe doesn’t want me to give up on him quite yet – yes I know!! :0)

Last night, I was in a late meeting for work at a local big city. The big city in question is one that always makes me think of him. I visited it before there was a him, but very rarely and then only the main shopping bit. As he lived close by we explored it together. Venturing away from the shops I discovered architecture, scenic walks, tourist locations that I had never taken the time to visit, a whole new side to what I had assumed was a grey and dismal place. Whilst with him I did venture into the city occasionally without him to meet friends for dinner or shop, but I even walking around with them I would always remember my times with him. Even now I can’t walk through the centre without remembering with a smile the ‘proper mans’ pub he introduced me to where he ordered half a cider shandy from the tattooed hells angle behind (which I would not have ordered had he not point blank refused to order me a dry martini and lemonade!) And after all these girlie sessions I would go back to him, he would drive in to collect me or I would get a train to his. This town is our town.

Driving into the town had me thinking all about him and our good times; the place we spotted the prostitutes, the car garage we played mini punch in front of. I was already fighting the need to text him when I came out of the meeting (and so ended up texting half my phone book instead!). The meeting had over run by half an hour, it was pitch black, pissing it down and I hadn’t had any tea. It was at this point my sat nav decided it didn’t want to play and having sat for half an hour with the ‘searching for a GPS’ message twirling in front of me I decided I was going to have to do it alone. The problem was I have only once driven from this city and not headed to his old house and I was on the wrong side of the city to the road I knew I needed to take to head home, I had no idea to get from where I was to where I needed to be to get home. The only place I knew how to get to was the station and from the station I only knew how to get to his. So I set off heading towards his old house assuming along the way I would see a sign for somewhere I knew and could follow that sign home. I didn’t.

So late last night I was driving in the rain past the restaurant we had one of our earliest dates, past the park that we used to walk BD in, past the spot where a simple comment he made confirmed to me that despite his numerous flaws I wanted to hang onto him and never let him go, past the spot that I stopped to sit down in when we tried our first run together, past the restaurant where he had fish and chips and I said I wasn’t hungry and proceeded to eat the lion share of his tea, past the airport that we had set off on so many holidays together….

Shouldn’t it have stopped hurting this much by now? Shouldn’t I be able to drive past these places without having to pull over because I can’t see through my tears? I was sobbing so hard I felt someone could rip out my heart and it would hurt less. Couldn’t I have had a few more days of feeling confident and pretending the ache in my stomach is just a bug?

On the positive I didn’t text him!

the straw that broke the camels back!

It’s funny really. I feel I may have made this exact same comment a few hundred times and I am sure you are sick and tired of reading it, but this time it feels different.

He has been on his holidays for a week, skiing in a resort that the two of us holidayed at the year before last. On the last night of his holiday I got a message from him asking how I was, how BD was and indicating that he had spent the entirety of the holiday sending me drunken messages but due to him being rubbish he had sent them to an old messaging system which I no longer have and so haven’t received any of them. His message indicated he had just realised and so was contacting me on the right system now. I won’t lie my heart did some sort of flip and my guts hugged themselves in glee thinking finally he has realised what he has given up. I sent back a text saying the BD was fantastic and queried the drunken messages he had been sending for a week. His response, “O no not for the week, just one picture, of a ski lift we picnicked on as part of that summer holiday.”

This man just doesn’t seem to think. Did he not think how much the idea of him drunkenly wanting to message me would mean to me? Did he not realise how much receiving an out of the blue holiday snap of a previous highly memorable holiday spot would fuck me up? That I would spend days analysing what the message would mean. Did it mean he loved me. did it mean nothing?! I don’t know whether it is because I have spent a week with no contact from him, or I am just sick and tired of all this but this time I am hurt, angry and utterly pissed off.

I am walking away. He doesn’t get to do this any more. I know I have said this a million and one times before but this time it feels different.

Yes, I still love him. Yes, I still want him back despite knowing I deserve so much better. Yes, I am still living with a pain in my heart that just seems to grow. But NO, no longer does he have it his way. No, we can no longer be friends.

To him “I loved you despite everything. I loved you while you figured yourself out and claimed to be fighting for us. I loved you when you threw me out. I loved you when you hurt me time and time again. I meant it when I gave you my heart forever. Hell it’s still yours now. But you don’t get to do this any more.”

I am taking a stand, throwing myself off a cliff and moving on!

little bits

So I have been trying to think of what to write today and I have no idea. For a while I was doing really well and the last few days have been pre-loaded giving me chance to spend my time catching up on other peoples blogs. But now the ideas have run out and I am yet again suffering from writers block, with a blank screen and no idea what I am going to put on it.

Part of the problem is him. I am trying so so hard to move on with my life. But this dull ache and ability to cry buckets of tears while sat anywhere in front of anyone doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. It seems to be that “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is getting truer by the minute, at least for me, and I am now almost at the point of dropping the pretence of “if he came back I don’t know if I want him back or not”. The truth is that’s bull. I still want him, I still love him. I want to sit down, talk through our problems and see if we can figure out a way forwards together. I want my old life back. I want to stop crying myself to sleep and ending my day with the same pray “please God, he has to see sense and come back to me!”.

Work is a bit of a pain. The truth of the matter is that I took my current job for one reason and one reason alone. It was close to where he worked and I hoped that it would lead to us living together. The good news is that it did (he wasn’t supposed to kick me out, that wasn’t in the plan!) but now I am stuck in a job that has days of brilliance but an awful lot of shit days.

My mortgage providers seem to be doing a brilliant job at cocking stuff up – really helps build confidence. They have sent me at least 4 incorrect letters in relation to my mortgage and I haven’t even gotten one yet. Meanwhile I am awaiting reports on the house and so I am stuck. I’m afraid to look forward to it too much – I don’t know what I will do if this falls through, it is about the only thing holding me together. By the day I am becoming more settled being back with my folks and I am worried that way things are going I will be living with them for the rest of my life.

And I have realised that some great friends who helped me through my break-up may not have been the great friends I thought they were and I feel very alone.

When I’m not over come with the ache of loss, I am enjoying the crippling fear about moving on, or going back or just generally facing another day.

On the positive at least it has given me enough content for today. Join me tomorrow for another feel good session!