#PimpmyRabbit – Teeny Terror

The other night I was in the other room while Poppy completely destroyed exercised in my front room. On hearing an unusual noise I called out to her (I wasn’t in a position where I could go look)

“Oye, Teeny Terror what are you doing?”

I was expecting nothing, or worse than nothing a crash. However, instead I suddenly saw a very tiny nose peak round the corner of the room that I was in.

Yes my rabbit comes when she is called…

Although I don’t know if I should be impressed or a little mortified that she thinks her name is ‘Teeny Terror!’

Well if the shoe fits... (sorry for the quality but I wanted to grab the photo!)
Well if the shoe fits… (sorry for the quality but I wanted to grab the photo!)

Laura = Issues

Today while typing a message to a friend, predictive text decided to change Laura to Issues….. I couldn’t help to think to myself yep you’ve got that right!!!

I am a big worrier. In fact I am one of those worriers who worry when they have nothing to worry about (I think I inherited that from my mother!) Raoul and I had a tiny misunderstanding over the weekend. He thought a status I had put on Facebook was a subtle dig at him for being called into work at the last minute. It wasn’t.

However, his reaction and the way he handled this ‘slight’ had me worrying.

Looking back, re-reading my blog posts has shown me exactly how much of an ass my ex was. If I sent him a text and he didn’t understand it, that was my fault for not being clear enough. If I was asleep and he wasn’t, my fault. If I was awake and he was trying to get to sleep.. you get the picture. I couldn’t do right for trying.

I don’t want to be in the position again.

So I worry. I take one small thing and blow it up to a huge thing; does this reaction mean he is high maintenance? Does this reaction mean he will leave? If he walks away now, how will I ever trust myself or anyone else ever again?

I take something tiny and it becomes huge.

I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to keep having panics over this relationship due to my past. A few small worries are normal, but I don’t still want the past affecting my future.

How do I move on?

How do I finally put my past relationship to bed once and for all?

Raoul is not my ex. Hell my ex couldn’t even hold a candle to him. The sensible part of me knows that, but how do I get the rest of me to believe it?

Are men and woman just inherently different?

I have had another light bulb moment. This one happened on the drive to work this morning. As complete side note I have found, maybe slightly worryingly, that I do all my best thinking while driving; or peeing. I know a slight over-share but for the last few weeks I have found that if I am stuck on something, if I take a break from my desk and go for a wee ‘ping’ problem solves itself and I come out of the loo knowing exactly how I need to proceed. – just me that thinks that’s weird?

Anyway, I digress.

Last night blokey, who hence for will be known as Raoul (he picked it, don’t ask why. And yes big moment in our relationship he is actually getting a name on the blog, which I have let him pick- didn’t let the ex have a say in his name! Anyway…) Last night Raoul, went out with his mates; not a problem. But he yet again, decide that he wasn’t going to tell me he was going out all evening. I don’t mind he goes out. In fact I would rather he went out than sat around all evening doing nothing. But, the only thing I ask is he lets me know not to expect to here from him. If I know he is out, having fun or busy at work I don’t worry when I hear nothing. But when as far as I know he is sat in front of the tv and I haven’t heard from him when I usually would.. well it means lots of phone checking from me, and last time it lead to a massive freak out (which you can read a little about here.)

We did talk after my last freak out, and in the end I decided the best way was for me to just assume I would not here from him. It’s funny. i don’t mind not hearing from him. In fact I am becoming more and more of the mindset that relationships would be easier if you didn’t always expect to be in contact with the other person. Anyone else done the early stages, over analysis of trying to figure out how much a guy is into you based on the amount and frequency of messages? Then what happens when you are over the honeymoon period and the number of texts drop “Is he busy, or board and trying to end it?”…

So I made a decision. I will not expect to hear from him.

It helped prevent any freak out when he went AWOL last night, but I have to admit to still feeling a bit put out (and maybe doing a small bit of analysis) when the message finally came in saying the reason he hadn’t been in contact before a good night text (which I sent) was that he was out with his mates – was there not even 5 minutes in the entire evening where he could take two seconds to text me “out with the guys, speak later!” That’s all I want. That’s all I would need. I don’t need to know, or particularly care what, where, how, why and who.

But I got nothing.

Then last night, while checking my phone with slightly more frequency than I would have done had I received a message from him, I was watching Keeping up with the Kardashians (yes, I do occasionally watch it, but only very rarely I am not a big fan, although yes Kim’s wedding is set up to record tonight when I am out.. might force Raoul to watch it on Sat by way of penance, now there’s a thought!!)  It was the episode where the one Kourtney finds out she was pregnant with her third child and Scott (her husband) can’t cope with the news and so goes AWOL for a night.

Yep, you read that right. Having found out his wife is having a third child he goes AWOL. He sends a text saying his plane has landed… and then switches off his phone. Leaving his pregnant wife ‘alone*’ with their two young children, spending the entire night trying to track him down.

I am not saying he was wrong to take some time off. But surely a message to his wife “honey, I need some space to think. gonna spend the night in a hotel, home in the morning.” and she could panic a little less. She could have slept through the night.

Now I know Scott (at the time of filming) had a lot on and wasn’t in the best head space. I know that Raoul isn’t intentionally letting me worry. But why do they not think, how do they not spare a thought for their other halves who are sat around worrying that their loved one is safe?!

Is it just a guy thing, they will never see it our way and it is just one of many man/women differences that we have to accept or is this a situation where nattering a gentle reminder may actually work?

Guys – is it an all man thing?
Girls – does your guy go AWOL without notice?
Singles – are you reveling in the fact that being single you can suit yourself and don’t have this to worry about?

*she is a Kardasian, with a film crew, so I would take the use of alone somewhat with a pinch of salt. But you get the drift.

A Public Menace

So this morning, when the inspiration for this post hit, I had 100s of ideas. In fact the post pretty much route itself as I was (trying) to do lengths at my public swimming pool. But since then the words are fading, I got distracted by lunch! But I can still see her, still see the image of her stupid floppy arms and annoying grey hair… and it still gets me really really angry.

I am a keen swimmer. Have been ever since I was a kid. In fact when I was at Primary School, final year, I announced to my parents I wanted to become an Olympic swimmer. The problem was my epiphany came far too late and I was beyond gutted when my parents pointed out that to become and Olympic swimmer I should have already been in training for years.

So I contented myself with winning races at my local swim team, and accepted the swimming would always be a hobby.

However over the years, I have found I can’t go for a swim without coming out of the pool a little bit, let’s say less happy than when I entered the water. You see there is one thing that really gets my goat when I go swimming and that is the complete lack of consideration some people in our society have when in a swimming pool.

Lets say, hyperthetically (of course ;0) that a young (ish) woman goes for her morning swim before work. She has goggles on (indicating this is a proper swim) and on entering the pool laps 4 people while doing her warm up.

Now to me this would indicate, “hey, this person is here for a serious swim. I will keep out their way” but not to the dear old lady who was.. doing an impression of a drowning butterfly..slowly… a very slow moving drowning butterfly… up and down the pool. She was in her own little world and regardless of the stroke I was swimming (yep, even with my head down going full tilt at front crawl) she did not get out of the way.

Now I know that some people will argue that she was there first. Good point, well made. But the pool was rammed and there was no where else to go.

The bit that annoys me, is that with a tiny bit of consideration the situation could have been quickly resolved. You see there wasn’t just one old lady splashing about in her own little world, there were 6 of them. All spread across the pool, and somehow they managed to form a sort of diagonal line running the entire length of the pool which prevent anyone from maneuvering round them.

All they had to do was double up in space, crowd together a bit and then stagger their takes off (so one starts when the other is a third of the way down the pool) and there would have been a enough room for everyone. But no, there was no thought at all.

The other thing that gets me is if it was a load of kids splashing about, getting in an older swimmers way they would have parents appologising, moving them along, telling them to watch out. It all shouts double standards to me.

This has been my bug bare for over 20 years. (Wow, now I feel old!) Ever since I was able to swim properly, people fannying about in Public swimming pools has annoyed me.

But I have a secret weapon. You see the stroke I used to race was butterfly, a couple of lengths of that and usually get you a little bit of space, and when my sister and I used to race each other to try and clear some space… well let’s just say it used to clear a good half a pool!

I know we all have to share. I know we are all making the best out of the situation. But is it really too much to ask that we all, regardless of our age, have a little consideration and thought for those around us?

I really really really really really really like you

Ha ha this is so me right now! In fact I have taken to assuming he won’t text so that I don’t feel sad when he doesn’t!

The Fickle Heartbeat


Shared by Kimberly Ho

Love; a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.

Your heart’s pounding, you’re flush with excitement and giddy with anticipation. You jump every time your smartphone pings you with a text, hoping it’s from them. You can’t focus on your work. You’ve lost your appetite for food because you’re reminiscing about how delicious it feels to be in their arms.

Nobody gets you the way they do. The connection you feel with them is out of this world. It’s as if you’ve known each other your entire life. You can barely stand to be apart.

You have no qualms announcing your good news to your friends and family; you’ve finally found the one!

Along with the dizzying heights, there are the terrifying lows…

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He isn’t my Ex!

So I have decided it’s time. Today I went back to the beginning of my blog, to my very first post and read (well until I ran out of time!) I wanted to see what I had told you guys about, what I hadn’t shared, how my writing style had improved… and boy were there some glaring errors!

However as I read my posts, flicked through page after page I noticed there was one common theme. I was really badly treated by my ex!

(Bet ya never thought you’d read that did you?)

I mean I wasn’t badly treated in the way some woman are badly treated, but I was living my life with a moody grumpy guy. Where one ‘wrong’ move from me would end up with me in trouble. One thing I remember he used to do was misunderstand me, but then get grumpy with and blame me for the misunderstanding. For a guy who used to boast about his conversational skills, he was actually really really bad at listening!

This thought occurred to me earlier in the week too. I sent my new fella (need to give him a name) a text which he didn’t understand. When his response came my gut told me he was mad, he was angry… but when I took time to actually read what he had written there was no such response. He was fine with it.

It’s made me appreciate even more what I have.

I need to keep reminding myself that this is a new relationship. That I am dating a new, even better, guy… I genuinely don’t know what I did to be lucky enough for him to have chosen me! He is kind, and caring and he deserves his own chance to mess up, he can’t be punished for a crime he hasn’t committed.

So I need to  keep reminding myself that this is new. That this is different… and figure out a way to quiet the voices.

#PimpmyRabbit – Settee Fun!

Since Poppy is such a total nightmare a big part of my life now I have decided it is time she earned her keep featured more prominently on my blog and so welcome to a fun new feature that I am now going to run called #PimpmyRabbit.

I don’t fully know what form this will take, quite yet. Probably a rant about her latest trouble making, but for this week, hopefully this will make you smile as much as this made me smile – she really is a happy bunny!

A letter to my new Boyfriend

I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you are having to do the time despite the fact it was him and not you that did the crime… but you see he broke me. I thought I was over it and in so many ways I am; I am most certainly over him. But the way he left,  the fact it happened so quickly despite all the promises . Well it’s becoming clear that it very much still affects me.

He broke me.

I was never like this.

But now I worry.  If I hear nothing from you for a few hours the voices start, and I know it’s not fair on you, but they are so loud. You see the reasons he gave for leaving me was… well everything that makes me me. And those are the things your going to have to learn to love about me;  because they are the quirks that make me me.

I know it’s not fair.  I hate that it’s affecting me; affecting us. I already see how you are better.  Small signs that show me you’re telling the truth, that you are keeping your promises.

I’m fighting for us.  I will overcome this.  But I need you to be patient.  I need you to wait and fight for me;  for us. Because I am.

If you are willing to fight. I promise it will be worth it.

I’m crazy about you and so yours. I see my future with you… I just need time

A blogging schedule

I am trying, really trying to get together some sort of schedule. Being back after a week off has made me realise just how much I missed you all and how much I want to get back into some sort of routine, and get caught up on what has happened while I have been AWOL.

The news of one of my favourite bloggers passing (Nissy from Nerissa’s Life) and thinking I had been too busy in my own little world to keep up to date with what was going on with anyone else, to read those last few posts actually really struck a chord. I think it’s something we are all guilty of (is it not) assuming we have all the time in the world?!

I suppose part of the problem is I kinda see you all as sitcoms. Bear with me, I can explain.

I am a huge big bang theory fan, but at the moment I am out on a Thursday evening when the new episodes are shown and so I record them. In fact my box is set up so that it will record the entire series (I really feel I need to add “at one touch of a button” here; can anyone remember whose advertising slogan that was?) which means when life becomes less hectic I sit down and binge on Big Bang.

The same is true with how I am currently handling blogging. When I find a spare few minutes I jump on here, throw something together, and then desperately try to skim read as many of your posts as I can before the time runs out and I have to return to work.

It’s not working.

I am missing things, important things that are happening with you. And I feel the content on here has never been worse and I feel if the plan of becoming a successful blogger so I can one day become a full time mum (yes, that is the dream!) I really need to be putting in more effort here – add to it the fact you guys actually come here to read…

Part of the problem is I’ve lost BD. Getting out and walking him used to get the creative juices flowing. I would return from our walk with the posts of the week known, and it would just be a case of writing them up. But now I don’t walk as much. I threw myself into a hectic time table to deal with being alone, then I got a rabbit (so added on guilt about not being home enough) and then I got a boyfriend (added on guilt that currently I am fitting seeing him around all other previous arrangements). So walking doesn’t happen. I have taken up swimming, in a morning before work, but that’s with a friend so I don’t so much think as chatter.

There is so much I want to share with you, but I don’t know where to start. When I do find the time to start I spend 20 minutes staring at the blank screen and then my time is up so I log off.

I don’t want to loose this space. I don’t want to loose you guys.

I just have to figure out a way to make my new look life work.