Good oh. So for once I am all organised, have two blog posts scheduled to go out and then something happens and they both go out on the same day within about an hour of each other. I’m blaming WordPress, is it just me who can’t find a bloody thing on this ‘new and improved’ dashboard?! And that’s another thing, who says it’s new and improved. I don’t. I find it clunky and I can’t find anything I want. Takes a deep breath!
Anywho, now that that’s out the way what can I tell you? For once I am uber organised and have made lists of potential blog topics but I am just not feeling them right now. Maybe in the future they will see the light of day, but for today I think I am in too much of a grump. And what may you ask has put me in such a bad mood? I am afraid to say it is looking at my stats for my blog. I seem to be loosing readers with every blog post that I write. I know that stats don’t matter. I know that I am here for the community, for the sense I get from you all… but I have a small confession. The stats affect me.
You see I started this blog to become one of those people who could stay at home and blog full time while raising a child (or two.) Or I wanted to become a travel sensation, I wanted people to fawn over me and offer me free trips to Alaska (genuinely picked from the top of my head!) I wanted to be successful.
Then I started my blog, and suddenly I realised that what mattered most was the people. I suddenly had a load (yes 5 is a load, ask anyone!) of people who cared enough to comment and come by and say hi. I realised this was what mattered and my focus changed and I stopped looking at the stats.
But since I changed to publishing twice a week, the comments seem to be falling off too. I started off assuming people were busy, or just didn’t have something to say – I know I often read a blog and really want to comment but can’t think of something to say. But as my comments fall off too, I am started to worry it is me.
It doesn’t help that this slump has coincided with a new job where I deal with a lot of bloggers on a daily basis. I see what some of those bloggers are doing and again I can’t help but compare “why them and not me?” To sound big headed some of the bloggers I deal with I even go as far as to think I am doing it better… although the vast majority I am just in awe of.
I think part of the problem is everything is up in the air. The new relationship has got me questioning all sorts of stuff. A lot of it to do with trusting myself, and awful lot to do with trusting him. Just because the last two guys I was with turned out to be liars, doesn’t mean he will too. But then again it doesn’t mean he won’t. I feel myself getting needy and I hate it. I was a strong independent woman before he came on the scene, but now going 3 hours without him replying to a text has me writing a long ranty blog post about stats and comments, and I know deep down if a text from him came in right now, suddenly the world would be filled with roses and puppy dog tails and everything would be ok.
I hate that this has happened.
I hate that I miss him when I am not with him.
I hate that I am over-analysing every part of the relationship.
It makes me worry.
When I am with him it feels so right I can’t imagine that I we have only been together for such a short time. He comes to stay and we stay up all evening talking, because I want to spend the most of every moment I have with him. When he leaves I miss him. But then the voices start. The voices which are quiet when I am with him. “What if I’m wrong… What if he’s a liar too. ..What if he’s walks away. How will I ever trust another man if it turns out he is full of bull too…”
The really awful bit is he has done nothing to deserve any of the negative thoughts I am having. I mean, the man came round on Monday night and sat watching Made in Chelsea, under a fluffy bunny blanket, with Poppy hoping all over him. The man is allergic to rabbits and yet sits and cuddles with my rabbit because he knows it makes me happy (and maybe because he knows that if he complained there is a very strong chance that Poppy would be cuddling with me, and he would be outside in the hutch!)
I thought the start of a relationship was supposed to be all flowers and romance and happy thoughts. Not doubts and niggles. Only they aren’t really doubts or niggles they are issues from my past raising their ugly heads, they are fears about taking a risk. It means I am worrying about the most insignificant things, and then blowing the insignificant thing into mountains…
and he still hasn’t text!