Our First Fight

I suppose it was inevitable, with everything moving so quickly our first fight would also happen within the first few weeks. It was a stupid fight, brought about by a miss-interpreting a message, a mixture of pain pills and him refusing to believe me when I told him I was not in a bad mood. .. I’ll leave you to decide who was in the wrong.

The problem for me wasn’t so much the fight itself. Everyone fights. It was more the not knowing what was going to happen post fight, when we both decided to talk to each other again.

As far as I was concerned, the fight didn’t stop me from caring about him. It didn’t stop me from wanting to be with him. It just meant that I was annoyed with him, and his refusal to talk it through.

But it made me worry about where his head was, where it is?

I know that if a simple miss-understanding is enough to make him walk away from me, he doesn’t deserve me. But I worry about what that will mean for me if he does. I believed that me and my ex would survive; I was wrong. I don’t want to be wrong about this being something too.

I worry that if I am wrong I won’t be able to trust myself to read any situations.

I worry what it will mean for any future relationships – well I worry that there just won’t be any future relationships. That I will just walk away from it all.

I know that if he walks away now, I will be beyond gutted, but I will survive. I’ve already been through heartbreak and come out stronger. But my inner demons, the concerns about not understanding situations – if I am wrong about this, about him, about us; I am worried they will win!

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