I feel like I’ve jinxed it. Literally hours after sharing my post declaring to the world (well you lot) that I am hopelessly in love with this guy, and now I feel we are hurtling full pelt into our first argument. I didn’t even see it coming. In fact I don’t even see how we are there now.
I think it’s him. He has hurt his back really badly and so we have to cancel date night for a while. I am obviously gutted as I miss him like crazy, despite it only being days since I last saw him. I think part of the problem is we don’t know when we will next see each other, it is all reliant on him getting better so we can meet up again. I would go and see him, but at the moment he’s crashing at his parents and it is far too soon to do the meeting the folks bit. So we are stuck, waiting. The ‘brilliant’ doctor that he saw didn’t actually bother to identify what he had done to himself, and so we don’t know what’s wrong or how long it will take to heal.
I think this could be adding to the stress.
Plus he is on a whole concoction of painkillers, obviously in pain and feel bad about being the cause of cancelling the date… so I am trying to be understanding. But after a day of talking back and forth, me telling him I wish I could do more, look after him, see him. Suddenly I have had an attitude problem all day and am giving him grief!
I have no idea where he has gotten that impression from.
I have re-read the messages and I STILL have no idea where he got that impression from.
So the voices started. I know we don’t really know each other, but surely he should know me enough to know I am not like that? I don’t blame him. Then I worry he is trying to control me, my other exes have, so is this some sort of control thing where despite claiming he likes I am a strong, independent woman (a heart-break will do that to you) he doesn’t and so he is trying to change me. What if he is trying to turn me into a shadow… then I worry that if I am thinking these thoughts am I wrong about him being my future, about this being something special… The I feel I should just give him a break, he is ill. Plus I don’t want my past demons to mess up my future. But I didn’t do anything wrong, so why should I apologise? He’s the one who has misread something, shouldn’t he be the one to say sorry?
Funny really. I worried once I was all loved up I would run out of things to write about, but looks like I have can open a whole new can of neurosis!