So it’s a month (ish) since a lost BD and for the most part I am doing ok. I have come up with a few coping mechanisms, I wish him goodnight and tell his picture I love him most evenings and if ever I feel myself getting upset I try and distract my thoughts by announcing that I hate my ex. It helps that I have a brilliant friend who has promised that if she ever sees Bd again she will tell him how much I love him and that I didn’t want to go and I like to hope that somehow on some level all the vibes and thoughts and love I am sending to him are getting there and he knows I didn’t abandon him.
However, as well as missing my big cuddle monster. I am missing the time I spent walking with him so much. It was my time to think. As we wandered over hills and down dales, I would let me mind wander and I found I could work though stuff (yes, I may have spent the entire walk chattering away my problems with him) and I found that walking released my creative juices and I would come back from the walk with 3 or 4 blog stories to share with you guys.
But now I’m not walking. Heading into hills alone is a little too scary, at least while the nights are still dark, and I am very aware that an hour walking is an hour away from Poppy. She is such a bright, intelligent little thing I hate the amount of time she spends alone and so taking an hour out to walk seems a little selfish. Especially as I have other commitments which take me away from her most evenings. But by not walking I find myself starring at the blank screen which is my blog, with no idea what I should be writing.
I need to get back into those hills and once again reclaim them as my own. When I broke up with he who shall not be named, Bd and I hit the hills and together we reclaimed them. Slowly as I walked the same paths memories of me and the ex become replaced with memories of me and BD. I’m scared to go there alone.
Bd became my reason to get up in a morning after the split. His stupid grin and general BDness brought smiles when I thought I would never smile again. I don’t want to face our hills without him. I don’t want to face our hills alone. I’ve battled through so much over the last few years, overcame heartache that I never thought I would. When will I have battled enough?