One of the worse things about the loss of Bd is yet again I am a little of a loss as to what my life is going to look like. My weeks had formed a structured pattern, one which I loved:
Monday: Counseling or Zumba (depending on the week)
Tuesday: I go to a local Amateur Dramatics group
Wednesday: It was BD night. I would go straight from work to collect him. We would walk for about an hour, head home and eat tea together. Then we would play a few games, do a little training and cuddle on the settee. I would stay up as late as I could to ensure maximum snuggle time with him, and I turned off my mobile (pretty much) and just spent the evening focusing on him.
Thursday: Early morning walk (which I loved) then say bye to BD, drop him back before heading into work. Usually I would be early for work, as this was the only day of the week I actually enjoyed getting my butt out of bed despite the alarm clock going off an hour earlier! Evening would involve a singing lesson, then back for tea and some me time.
Friday, Saturday, Sunday: Chill/see family/see friends/clean.
It worked really well and I loved it. I was anticipating a summer of lovely evening walks and I was considering a way to get more time with Bd, the odd weekend or something. In fact until last week I was truly blissfully happy.
But my routine has changed now.
In some ways it has changed for the better as I now have a Poppy to fit in. I let her out of her cage and loose in my lounge as often as my social calendar will allow, which is a lot more now there is no BD. I am having limited success with her. Some evenings she is completely clean and dry, comes to me when I put my hands out to stroke her and lets me put her back in her cage with no issues. The next evening she wees and poos everywhere, looks at me like I am going to eat her and we spend 40 minutes chasing around the lounge, pulling out all the furniture before I can get hold of her to put her back. She then scratches, nibbles and tries to leap out me hands when I am carrying her back to her cage… and it leaves me a broken wreck on the floor missing Bd and his cuddles!
Then yesterday it hit me that since the break up I had built my week around two highlights; the obvious being the weekend but the other been seeing BD. All the other activities just killed time until I had him and we could go walking together… only now we won’t.
Walking BD gave me a sense of freedom. I would head out alone with him and feel completely safe. I don’t know if I am brave enough to head out alone – I don’t know if I want to head out alone.
Walking with BD was also the time I would think about this blog (and this is where we reach the point to this very long ramble) story ideas would come flooding in as we walked. I could compose entire posts while climbing a hill, his antics alone were enough to fill entire blog posts… without BD I don’t know what this space is going to look like any more. Without BD i seem to have lost my inspiration.
I have probably told you this a hundred times, but originally I thought this blog would be a pet followed by parenting blog. One that followed me and my ex on the adventure of moving in together and doing up our house, to pregnancy, babies… I had a five year plan and everything. I saw posts about working with BD to get him used to the baby, his on going fear issues and I thought I would share my little family and our life together with the world.
Then the break up came, and instead I found myself blogging about heartbreak, and loss. However, Bd was my light through all that. He was the reason I got through it. He brought my laughter when I didn’t think I would ever laugh again. Walking him helped me form thoughts and posts… He was very instrumental in keeping this blog going.
Then I embraced the dating world, and dealt with all the crap that that threw at me. I’ll be honest. Again posts forms as I walked around woods updating BD on the latest disaster. But I don’t have him to tell anymore, and to be honest the whole dating game is starting to get me down. I have stopped having crazy bad dates and now I just seem to have blurgh dates. The guys are sweet (but short, so so very short) but I feel nothing. No bubbles, no sparks. We part ways with a simple hug but no illusions of something more happening (and the worst bit is I don’t even get an amusing post out of it!)
I thought the next few months would be about finding me. I would give up dating and instead focus on life with BD and Poppy. I would get fit with lots of lovely dog walks and blog about helping Poppy settle in.
But now I am in a funk, unsure what to say. I don’t know what my future looks like. I don’t know what this space looks like.
I am a blog without a niche.
I am a blogger without inspiration…!