It’s strange but now that I am facing up to the very real chance of loosing Bd forever, I suddenly feel very alone!
I don’t know why, but I long to be back closer to my friends and family, and I am starting to worry if buying my little house and making a place for me away from them was actually a huge mistake. My house no longer feels like my home; and although I have Poppy to come home to I am wishing I didn’t have my house.
There is still no news on whether or not I am going to be allowed to see Bd again. I would like to think that he is giving it some really thought, but I know better than that. He’s too much of a coward and is waiting for another text from me to ask if he has made his mind up yet.
I am expecting him to say no. I am expecting to never see, or cuddle or stroke Bd again.
I won’t go and say goodbye. I have already decided that that will be too hard (although whether or not I will change my mind when I know 100% that it will be my very last chance, I am not sure.) I left him in his garden, with his dinner with a quick head rub and a shout of I love you over the fence. No long goodbye, just a see you later. I was stressed about being on time for work on my second day…
Had I know it would be the last time, I don’t know how I would have left. How I would have walked away! I was a little prepared for this, and so I did spend the week I had with him focusing on soaking up every moment. I kissed him, and cuddled him, and smelt him hoping that that would be enough to keep him in my memory forever.
I know the decision hasn’t been made yet… But I am not hopeful.
For the last few months I have been dealing with the fact that dogs aren’t around for long enough. The fact we outlast them is so… sucky. With Mity being ill before Christmas I was very aware of their mortality. With my ex being an ass I have been trying to figure out exactly how long I would have to put up with him in my life; how long Bd would live for.
But to have him taken from me… that’s too soon. It was always going to be too soon, but this is just so cruel.
I hate my ex. I hate him for every lie he told; for every promise he broke. I hate him for taking 8 weeks to get out of my bed and into someone elses. I hate him for making me fall in love with him, for allowing me to give him my heart and then brush it aside so carelessly. But when I had Bd I forgot about all that. I didn’t care about the hurt, the heartache cause out of all that rubbish he had given me Bd and he was worth it. Bd was worth it.
Now that Bd is gone (or going) hate doesn’t feel a strong enough word!