Do I have enough love?

I’m an idiot. I have had a small panic that letting poppy into my life has somehow lessoned the love I have available for Bd and Mity. I don’t know what has brought it on. But I was worried, would I get board of BD, would I resent having the two of them together?

I think part of this panic was brought on by a conversation I had with my counsellor. Knowing the ex is going away on our holiday with his new squeeze brought on tears and it upset me as I thought I had officially finished crying over him. She asked me how different my life would be if I didn’t have BD. If I had completely made the cut, and had no contact with the ex. No seeing him whenever he decides he wants to see me* no jumping when he says how high.

The problem is I promised him. I promised him I would walk out on him and I can’t break that promise. I don’t want the ex to force me to break that promise. My counsellor made the good point that Bd won’t know after all he ‘just a dog’ (although as a dog lover herself she did say she knows that isn’t actually the case) but I will know. I will know I broke my promise to him. I will know I walk away.

But it is hard. Having the ex dangle me on a lease well it makes me hate him. I sometimes wonder if he knows that when Bd is no more I am done. I will be walking out that door never to see or hear from him again. But until then I am a little at his beck and call, and that could be for the next 10 years…

I don’t want Poppy to be the reason I suddenly find it easier to walk away from BD. Now I have a replacement all of my own… I don’t want to be that person who left. He sat with me while I sobbed alone and heartbroken when things got bad with the ex. He walked up to me and licked my tears away when I had no-one else to do it. He was the reason I got out of bed when the times were hard. He cuddles with me on the settee when I am alone in my house. He looks after me when I am ill and makes me laugh when I want to cry.

I don’t want to walk away.

I don’t want Poppy to make it easier to walk away. I owe him so much.

 

*Sometimes when I pick up BD he will have to be there to discuss stuff with me. Usually it is nothing and I have no idea why he refuses to just tell me over text. But Bd is his dog and so if he says jump….

 

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9 thoughts on “Do I have enough love?

  1. I think it is time to move on and not be a non paid BD sitter. Your ex should make other arrangements and you should concentrate on your own household. That is what we would do but everyone is different. Have a fabulous Friday.
    Best wishes Molly

    • I know and I have thought about it. But I can’t walk away from BD. To just turn my back on Bd and leave. If there was any way I could see Bd without having any contact with my ex I would. hell, I’d be happy to deal with his current girlfriend rather than have any contact with him!

  2. I’m afraid I’ll have to agree with Molly. BD will miss you but for your own sanity you need to cut ties. I would say Poppy has nothing to do with it, it’s just time.

    • but how do I look into his eyes and say I lied. That I didn’t mean it when I said I wouldn’t go anywhere. That I am yet another person he let into his heart and who chose to walk away from him – I won’t do that to him. I can’t. I’m not that strong!

    • And I’ve decided that for the moment I do have enough love. It has coped having them both this week and I think the fact I am aware and monitoring it rather than burying my head in the sand means for now I am doing the right thing!

  3. It is a decision only you can make. I couldn’t leave my dogs, I’ve invested too much. Some people find it easier than others. Just know you are supported no matter which way you choose to go.

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