I’m an idiot. I have had a small panic that letting poppy into my life has somehow lessoned the love I have available for Bd and Mity. I don’t know what has brought it on. But I was worried, would I get board of BD, would I resent having the two of them together?
I think part of this panic was brought on by a conversation I had with my counsellor. Knowing the ex is going away on our holiday with his new squeeze brought on tears and it upset me as I thought I had officially finished crying over him. She asked me how different my life would be if I didn’t have BD. If I had completely made the cut, and had no contact with the ex. No seeing him whenever he decides he wants to see me* no jumping when he says how high.
The problem is I promised him. I promised him I would walk out on him and I can’t break that promise. I don’t want the ex to force me to break that promise. My counsellor made the good point that Bd won’t know after all he ‘just a dog’ (although as a dog lover herself she did say she knows that isn’t actually the case) but I will know. I will know I broke my promise to him. I will know I walk away.
But it is hard. Having the ex dangle me on a lease well it makes me hate him. I sometimes wonder if he knows that when Bd is no more I am done. I will be walking out that door never to see or hear from him again. But until then I am a little at his beck and call, and that could be for the next 10 years…
I don’t want Poppy to be the reason I suddenly find it easier to walk away from BD. Now I have a replacement all of my own… I don’t want to be that person who left. He sat with me while I sobbed alone and heartbroken when things got bad with the ex. He walked up to me and licked my tears away when I had no-one else to do it. He was the reason I got out of bed when the times were hard. He cuddles with me on the settee when I am alone in my house. He looks after me when I am ill and makes me laugh when I want to cry.
I don’t want to walk away.
I don’t want Poppy to make it easier to walk away. I owe him so much.
*Sometimes when I pick up BD he will have to be there to discuss stuff with me. Usually it is nothing and I have no idea why he refuses to just tell me over text. But Bd is his dog and so if he says jump….