At first I was worried that the tears meant I still cared. I didn’t want them but I couldn’t stop them from coming. The news that he was taking her on our holiday. ..
But then I realised that these weren’t tears for what has gone, for him or because I wanted him back. No these tears fell because I was disappointed in him. I know on paper it has been almost a year and a half since we broke up, yet it hasn’t been a full year since we stopped sleep in together, 12 months haven’t passed without him claiming to be in love with me. I know they will come, but they haven’t yet, and to find out he will be spending his first valentines day with her on the holiday we had planned on taking together (before he woke up one morning and just said enough)…
It’s the lack of thought; or maybe the realisation I just don’t factor into his thought process at all now. I don’t know. I just feel the memory of us, of what we had deserves more. I know he had to move on, but to move on so fast, so quickly. Makes me worry I was nothing. That I was taken in, played for a fool. Did he ever mean it when he told me he loved me?
Or is he still struggling like I am. Does he realise there’s no going back but struggle moving forwards. Is she nothing but an attempt at getting over me?
I knew the holiday would never happen. For all the times we talked about it I never started to save. I never saw it as any more than a pipe dream. I assumed he’d visit there again, after all he had been there without me and loved it. But not so soon….
I’ll just have to chalk this up as another reason to hate him. I tried not. I don’t want to hate. But right now hating him is the only choice I have.