The realisation I am still not fully over him comes with a jolt. It was a simple conversation over BD where the words “I’m not coming straight home” lead to me wondering if he was going to see her…
It’s not the fact he has moved on that hurts. It’s the realisation that I don’t matter. Whereas once he changed his diary to fit in with mine, now I am barely an afterthought; probably not even that.
We would have been trying for children now. Had he not ended it; had he not said enough. He was my world, and he left. That is the hard bit. It’s ironic really. He was the one who was always pushing for more. I was on his car insurance within weeks of us getting together, he introduced me to his family a week after we became ‘official’. Was it ever about me? Or was he just desperate to shoe horn me into the gap his ex had left?
It’s that thought that hurts the most; that continues to sting.
It could never have been about me. I joked whilst we were together that I would be nothing if we ever split up. I wasn’t the ex. I wasn’t the first one he dated after he split up with her (something I was always thankful for) but that meant I would be nothing.
He had the first woman he lived with. The woman he married. (different woman) Then my name was added to the long list of woman who he had just ‘had a relationship with’. At the time he would laugh at me and claim I would always matter, I would never be just another notch… yet now I doubt everything he ever said to me. I wonder if he meant anything…
Actually, that isn’t completely true. I was the first person I lived with after his wife. I suppose that would get me a small part in the movie of his life. I was the only person who never cheated on him. I was the only person who he has ever ended it with. Lucky me.
It’s not the fact that the relationship has ended that I find so hard to deal with. It’s the fact that he no longer cares. The fact I am nothing to him. That thought still has the power to wind me, and bring tears to my eyes.
I was talking to a friend last night about the various guys I am talking to online. She laughed when I was telling her that actually I am talking to a few – currently I am talking to 11 different blokes. Some I could be interested in, some that I am not. And I admitted to her something I have been trying to deny to myself for a while. Although I have moved on, and do not want to go back, I don’t want to move forwards either.
I am still finding it hard to accept that love will not conquer all. I find it harder still to accept that I was so wrong about my feelings for him, and his for me. I thought what we had was special. I thought what we had was forever.
I doubt myself. I doubt my ability to read a situation. With the help of my counsellor I have identified that this ‘doubt’ stemmed for a few events in my childhood, and that the ‘bully’ picked up on this and then a psychopath decided to help me overcome the bully… looking past over the last 10 years of my life just seems to be a repetition of me trusting someone, trusting my gut and then been proven MASSIVELY wrong. And it is happening again with the ex.
I don’t want to be wrong again. I know I am, but I really didn’t want to be.