Last night, when I finally got to sleep after a massive coughing fit around 2am. I had the strangest dream.
I had a sex dream….
about the ex.
However, it wasn’t the usual hot, sweaty bodies writhing around kind dream. I was back in the village, in the house where we lived together. I had gone to collect BD and the ex had tried to instigate something. However, in my dream I turned him down. On a complete side note, can you call a dream in which their isn’t hot, sweaty bodies a sex dream??
I can’t remember much more of the dream. I know that in my dream I knew he was in this ‘new relationship’ and that that was the main reason I gave for saying ‘no’. I also remember that at one point I was having a cup of tea with my old next door neighbour and various other ladies of the village, who were all telling me what an arse he was… but that’s about it. Yet, it has played on my mind since I woke up and I would love to know what this dream means and why I am having it now?
guess hope is that it is a final break through. That finally I can slam the door on that chapter of my life, but I think deep down that is not yet the case.
I think I still hate him.
I think I need other people to hate him too.
12 weeks, 12 weeks to climb out of my bed and into hers… I know I can’t keep going over this. But meeting Edward has opened up wounds that I thought I had dealt with. Edwards has ignited some sparks, yet I find they burn for the idiot ex and not for this lovely new guy. Actually they burn for the man I thought my idiot ex was; the man who never existed. The man I see on a weekly basis, despite me asking him to keep away, to swop BD with isn’t the guy I long for. He isn’t the guy I want to keep me warm at night, or creep into my dreams, or creep into my bed. The man in front of me is a pale imitation of the man I loved…
I realise that it has only been since I found out about ‘her’ that I have really began to move on. That despite ‘on paper’ being single for a year and a half, that for me at least it has only been months since I gave up hope but I don’t want him in my dreams. Regardless of his role. My dreams are my own, they are not tied up in him any more – just how do i get that message through to my subconscious?