I would like to share that after writing this I am in a much happier place, and also realised that some of my stress is related to other things (which I will share about one day.) I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and welcome to 2015!
Well I didn’t expect to be here again. I ended 2014 on such a high… Everything seemed so positive… I seemed to be in such a good place… then last night I crashed. I don’t know exactly what brought it on, but I was crying at anything and everything… and I was back to missing him.
Only I don’t miss him. I know that much. I miss the guy who I thought he was; the life I thought we had together. I know that. In the cold light of day, I know that I deserve better and that I don’t want to go back. But alone… scared…Well last night I would have given anything to turn back that clock. And that really didn’t help the situation.
I am starting to worry I will never be over him. That the hurt, the pain, the love will never go away.
You see I met someone. Well I sort of met someone; over text we are perfect for each other but there was no spark when we met in person. In fact between you and me he reminded me of my cousin’s girlfriend who I really can’t stand, and you don’t want to make out with your cousins obnoxious girlfriend. But I digress. This guy managed to do something which no-one else has done and has lit a spark in me. However, turns out that once that spark was lit, well let’s just say I thought I had doused the fire of my past but it turns out it may still burn a little.
This discovery has scared me. I thought I was over it, over him. The discovery of his new relationship, felt like a bucket of cold water and I thought that had truly put out the flame. Yet, now I find it’s still there – what is it going to take to get over this?
I don’t want him back. I don’t like him; in fact there are moments when I hate him.
I see that he never got over his ex. That he has let what she did to him ruin subsequent relationships. I don’t want that future for me. I want to move on, and never ever look back again. Yet if the bucket of cold water that is “he is sleeping with someone, weeks after declaring his love for me” hasn’t fully put out the flame, what the hell will?