No-man’s land.

At the moment I feel a bit stuck. I know I can’t and I know I don’t want to go back; but yet the idea of venturing once again into the unknown also fills me with fear.

I feel stagnate.

I feel alone.

Although I am surrounded by people, I know that they can’t really help. This is something I must face alone. As I look around I see happy couples everywhere. My friends are now all settled down and moving on, and although none of their relationships aren’t perfect; they have a significant other… someone special. Even my friend who swore off men for life when her marriage ended now has someone.

Yet I am still alone.

That’s how I feel.

I know this experience has changed me. I know there is no going back. I have felt pain, the likes of which I have never felt before; there have been times when I thought if my heart took another beat it would break into a million pieces. In fact, even now I know it isn’t fully mended –I think it has a plaster on it, one that can very easily be picked off, and often is.

I have lost count of the tears I have shed.

I can see how far I can come but don’t feel like I have the strength to continue to go forwards.

The ironic thing is I am not 100% certain I want to be in a relationship right now. I do and I don’t; my mood changes as often as my underwear. Most mornings I wake up and I am happy, content. For the first time in my life I can be completely selfish, when making plans I only need to consider me. No significant other, no family. Do I want to do something? Is my diary free? Can I afford it? If I can answer yes to all 3 questions then off I go.

But then there are moments… when I am curled up in bed, when I’m walking BD in the dark, when I am the third wheel yet again, that I want to meet that someone special. I want to have someone to share my life with.

It probably sounds silly, but I just want a guarantee. If someone could tell me that one day I will meet someone, one day I will get my happily ever after… then I think I would relax. But life doesn’t carry a guarantee. So I worry and stress. I know it doesn’t achieve anything but I can’t seem to help it.

The problem is being a wife and a mum is all I have wanted, or at least pre-ex it was all I wanted. Now I know that actually the marriage part, not so important. I want the relationship; someone to share my life with.

So many people say “you don’t find it until you stop looking” but I can’t figure out how not to look!

 

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2 thoughts on “No-man’s land.

  1. I’ve spent my entire life “knowing” things intellectually that I couldn’t convince my heart to believe. If you ever figure out how to stop wanting something, let me know. 🙂

    In the meantime, I’m glad you’re celebrating the good things in your life.

    To deal with wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-oh-god-I’m-going-to-die-anxiety, I force myself to find 15 things I’m thankful for. In my case, it’s a good distraction. But gratitude produces a powerful state of mind.

    You seem like a grateful person. Maybe you’d find this a useful practice as well.

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