Well I’ve done it. I picked a Username, bitten the bullet and I am now officially online dating. I feel like a failure. I feel like it’s a big sign over my head saying “couldn’t meet a guy the normal way” and I could cry!
I don’t know how I expected to feel; excited probably but I’m not. It feels like yet another situation that I don’t really want to or deserve to be in. I don’t want this. I don’t want to have to meet new people, find out their likes and dislikes, play the dating game.
But we don’t get what we want, do we?
I had a dream last night. Not the good, the world is going to change kind of dream. This one was a sex dream. This one was a sex dream featuring my ex. This was “my ex is having sex with another woman in the next door room to me” sex dream – we’ve all had one of those right? :0S It was very PG and in no way racy, and to clarify my ex wasn’t even naked in my dream… but he there was. and he was focusing on another woman. I was in the adjoining room, with one of his friends trying to decide whether or not to sleep with him in a “2 fingers up, anything you can do I can do better” revenge shag. I still hadn’t made my mind up when I woke myself up.
I’ve felt numb for most of the day. It’s been a year, surely I should be past this?
Giving it time didn’t work. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about him and wish he was stood outside my door begging me to take him back. I know I couldn’t. I know there is no trust. But on days like today when it has just been one pile of shit after another I wish he could take me into his arms and make it all ok. But he can’t. I have to find a way to make it ok on my own. I know online dating isn’t the way to do that. But perhaps getting out there, meeting new people will be a start!