I’m going to start by saying I am well aware of how this makes me sound! I am also going to point out that I know this isn’t particularly well written or coherent, but I’ve tried for well written and coherent 3 times and failed so now I am just going for ‘out of my head and published!!’
Walking past the ex’s house this morning (dropping off BD, not a crazy stalker thank you very much!) it appeared that he had laid out two mugs next to the kettle rather than the one that he usually leaves out.
I don’t know how I feel.
Sad – no, not so much.
Happy – let’s not get carried away!!
Relieved – maybe, just a tad.
You see, although maybe not fair, it is easier to think that everything my ex told me is a lie. I know that that is probably unfair to him, and that life is not that black and white. But for me, if he was lying when he said “I love you” then I wasn’t left by someone who loved me. The idea that he could say and mean everything he said and meant terrifies me. It means it can happen again (and although I know it can) it is easier for me if he didn’t love me. If he only liked me a lot well then that means that I wasn’t left by the man who loved me, it means there is a chance that the next one will fall in actual love with me and that the next guy won’t leave. You see the hard bit is supposed to be finding someone who loves you. It’s that bit that is tricky. But love, love conquers everything, it is the strongest bond, the unbreakable bond and if he loved me and still left…
When we broke up he told me that if he couldn’t be with me he didn’t want anyone. If I couldn’t make him happy he was looking at a lifetime alone, and although I would never wish that on anyone (especially not him) when he fines someone new I can mark those comments up as another ‘said but not meant’. It would be yet more evidence that actually it was me that was the problem, I wasn’t enough.
I don’t know how that will make me feel.
I know it will come one day, but not knowing when is killing me. So part of me hopes that that day is today; that the two coffee mugs on the side are a sign that he spent the night with someone.
The other reason I want him to be seeing someone is BD. It would take a very confident, understanding, woman to deal with me continuing to have access to BD. To understand that it isn’t about seeing the ex, but a dog who I have loved for years and continue to love even now. I am terrified that when the ex starts dating someone knew they will put an end to me having visitation right. However, if that has happened today, if he is seeing someone then they are ok with me having BD as I have him booked in for dates right up until Feb when the ex goes away.
I feel this is the last hurdle I have to overcome. I know it will be hard, I know it will be shitty. But I am so sick of feeling it is on the horizon. Plus I think it will be the final kick up the arse I need to, I don’t know. Not move on as the reason I am still single is more a lack of datable men than me refusing to date. But it would be another horrible milestone overcome and survived.