I can’t quite believe it, but I have been single for over a year now. I don’t know exactly how long I have been without a significant other – I’m rubbish with dates! I know this time last year we would have still been living together, but I am confident that we would have ‘officially broken up’ as the actual conversation happened in the middle of our two weeks summer holiday and we always went away during the first two weeks of September, so give or take a day or so it was round about this time that he officially tore my heart in two.
I don’t know if I have ever told you how it ended?
We were watching the stars. I was wrapped in a blanket and he came up behind me and put my arms around me. We pointed out the different constellations – I saw and identified Sagittarius for the first time ever and then a shooting star shot across the sky. I told him to make a wish, and then after a little persuasion he shared his wish with me.
“I want you to be happy” he said.
I think in that second my heart may have stopped beating. I knew. He’d given up. He wasn’t considering a future with an ‘us’ any more.
That night was the worst of my life.
Knowing that if he wanted to he could have stopped my pain, taken away my heartache… all it would have taken was a “I have concerns but lets try” conversation. Knowing that the only thing that would make it better would be to fall asleep in his arm….. and yet I never would again. (Ok technically I did for about a month or so, but that’s a minor detail lost in the bigger picture!)
Despite being booked in for a week, we left the hotel a few days later. When we had first started dating the ex promised he would take me to Paris and this became important to him, in the middle of all this mess. So we went. We went with one rule. For that weekend we forgot about it all. The break-up. The future. All of it. We lived in the moment. We were in love (he still claims he
loves loved me whilst we were there.)
I fell in love with Paris.
It was the most perfect weekend, and I soaked up every experience, every minute.
Before this split, I always thought love was enough. That love alone could get through anything. Now I don’t.
Before this experience I would always encourage anyone to deal with things in their past; work through it so you aren’t haunted by it. Now I know that sometimes to keep it all together you just have to shut that door. Block off your mind and move on. Learn from the experience. Don’t let it affect your future (too much). But sometimes things are just too
raw painful heartbreaking well just too ….
The change in me in the last 12 months is obvious for anyone to see.
I have lost some weight. I am slightly jaded and I am scared to move on. To love again. To trust again.
But I am also stronger. I have so many new skills. I have more faith in myself and I have learnt to rely on no one but me (which I suppose could be viewed both positively and negatively).
My contact with the ex has changed. Whereas before I wanted to have a conversation with him, I know keep my messages short and to the point. Only ever discussing BD and if I can get away with a yes or a no I feel that the exchange has been a success. Often, after a conversation I wish for more. I wish he cared enough to ask how I was. A small part of me hopes he is still missing me, still thinks about me….. but I close off the thought process. I can’t go back so does it matter what he’s thinking? On occasions I do hope I will run into him out shopping, on an upcoming night out. I want him to see me at a distance and for him to feel a pang of regret.
This time last year I wished him nothing but good things and was hoping I would be able to spend evenings drinking wine, sharing takeaways and slowly falling back in love with each other.
Now I don’t. I put myself first, put my needs first. Am I more selfish – I think I may be.
I played by the rules, I gave love unconditionally and I got kicked in the teeth. So this time I am thinking about me. I joke with my friends that any ‘new guy’ is going to have his work cut out with me. My list of demands is at least 2 sides of A4 and to be completely honest I hope that I don’t meet him any time soon. For the first time (possibly ever) I am contented being alone. Is this due to fear – I don’t know? But I know that right now I am content – and that’s ok.
This year has changed me. I have survived more heartache than I ever thought possible. I have had my happily ever after taken away but I’ve finally come back fighting!