Until it doesn’t

Or at least the dog shares rocks until he has to go back.

And then I hate it.

I hate having to say goodbye to him again. I hate cuddling him and willing him to understand that I don’t want this. I hate leaving him. I hate that we only get a few days together a week. I hate that I couldn’t make it work – that I wasn’t enough.

I pray that he understands this isn’t his fault.

I didn’t want to leave, not like the other ‘mum’ did.

I want him to understand that even when we are apart, a little bit of me stays with him. That I count down the days until I next see him, and wonder what I can move in the diary to fit him in.

It’s a balancing act.

Seeing him as much as I want but not annoying the ex too much. Not being overly demanding – BD is not my dog and if I over step the mark the ex could cut all ties, then and there and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s funny, this time last year (ok maybe a little over a year, let’s say 2 years ago!) I would have told you that my ex was a man of his word and that if he has promised I can continue to see BD he will let me…….but I’m not that naïve anymore.

I am acutely aware that any minute all this could end. BD could be taken from me, and that thought terrifies me. So I jump through whatever hoops the ex asks me to jump through.

I pray he doesn’t find anyone else.

Not because the idea of him with someone else kills me. It does; but that’s not the motivation. I’m scared about what sort of woman he will choose, and how high he will jump when she asks him to…. “of course you’re ex can’t continue to walk your dog twice a week.” If he’s listened to anything I ever said to him he won’t let an old relationship ruin a new one. And so I will be out; replaced.

I know it would have been easier, and possibly better to make the clean break. But I promised BD I wouldn’t leave him, and I can’t. You’ve seen the videos of how crazy a dog goes when re-united with a soldier who has been on tour, I watch those videos and think how much the dog has missed their owner. After tours lasting 6 months the dogs still remember and are over joyed at the reunion. I don’t want BD to suffer that separation – not if it is in my power to spare him that.

Don’t worry I am very aware of the elephant in the room, the unspoken fear in my friends and family. The nagging voice that sometimes can be heard in my own head “are you hanging onto him, because it lets you hang on to your ex?”

Honestly, I don’t think I am. Do I like that on occasions having BD means I can pop back into my ‘other house’ very much so. But am I hanging onto the ex, the life I had….maybe. But I know that it can’t be. I can’t go back. I have to move on. And although I don’t want to, I will. And to be honest, there are months at a time when I don’t see the ex, where conversation is literally a text confirming date and times so I think it’s more holding onto my second home.

But I would give it all up if I could only guarantee a future relationship with BD. If a new girlfriend lands on the scene I would happily negotiate access with her. I would cut all contact with the ex, and stay away from the house so long as she didn’t take my dog from me.

But that’s the problem, he isn’t my dog.

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6 thoughts on “Until it doesn’t

  1. We understand and we hope you continue to be able to spend time with BD. We know it must be hard each time you have to say goodbye. Fingers and paws crossed. Have a terrific Tuesday.
    Best wishes Molly

  2. Such a complex situation. You can’t even request visitation rights.
    I hope you keep seeing BD, it’s obvious you love him.

    • I so think I should be giving visitation rights, but I can only hope that if/when the ex gets with someone new she is understanding and compassionate. However, for now I just need to enjoy having him!!

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