I’m not ok…and I’m not fine!

I want to shout, no I want to scream. I want to stamp my feet, throw a tantrum and sob uncontrollably until everything is ok. But it isn’t going to be ok. I’m worried I am never going to be ok again.

Last night I had yet another incident with a close family member. Throughout the years this person has felt it was their duty to correct me, challenge me and if I’m honest generally screw me up all under the pretence of ‘it’s only because I love you!’ and ‘I only say something because I care.’

Every time this has happened in the past I have beaten myself up. Judged myself, and found that the fault was mine.

I don’t like to point the finger, but with the help of a couple of counsellors, I can track back some of the problems I am having at the moment to conversations I had with this person when I was a child. “Remember the time you were joking with your parents, and everyone was laughing. Well inside they were crying because you’ve really hurt them.”

Tell that to a young child and watch her grow up fearing that she has misunderstood every situation she is put into from that moment onwards. Want to know where the bully found the hook for his mind games?

But it’s ok, because it is done out of love. Clearly I misunderstand their intentions, what they said, how it was meant. Other family members tell me this when I voice how I feel. Well that ‘misunderstanding’ has affected me deeply and currently sees me paying out more than I can afford to a counsellor to try and work through my issues.

It is not all their fault. I know that. But despite trying not to for a number of years, I have to admit they are involved in it somewhere.
I try to nurture everyone. What was said was said out of love and so I will forgive and just bury deep inside the hurt, pain, anguish it caused me. I go to them, reach out to them to make sure they are ok, that they are not upset. Forget my own feelings, I’m strong (despite what they think) so I bury it and more on.

I’m ok. It’s fine.

Only you don’t move on. It sits somewhere in your subconscious and slowly burrows its way in; waiting to spring back to life one day with the help of a bully or two.

The bully wrecks your life. You are put through hell and then some, but you don’t tell anyone. Not the full details. They see your red eyes, they know you have been crying but you don’t want to upset your nearest and dearest so you bury it.

He keeps it up, and slowly you start to crack.

You wonder ‘why you’, you start to believe that if you were a better person, a stronger person you would have been able to deal with this. You beat yourself up. Finally it becomes too much and you have a break down.

You take it to a tribunal, and they officially record a verdict of ‘not guilty’. Despite admitting various faults, changing everything within the day to day running of the office and suggesting this ‘manager’ needs further training they say ‘you are wrong, you misunderstood, you made it up!’

The people who witness it, who fought your corner, his latest victim all tell you that you were bullied, but that’s not enough. The people who matter think you lied. You start to believe that you were wrong. You start to feel guilty that your stupid misunderstanding has put a guy through the hell of a tribunal for the last few months. You feel guilty. You feel you misunderstood. Internally you continue to go through hell.

Outwardly you worry if you admit it still affects you, he wins. So you bury it.

I’m fine. It’s ok.

Only it doesn’t stay buried, not fully.

It slowly affects your daily life. In your new role you assess every situation, wondering what the meaning was behind the interaction. You wonder when it will start again. You hold your breath with every error found, assuming once again you will be blamed regardless of fault. You daren’t stand up for yourself, you don’t question anything. Keep your head down, try to be invisible.

But when asked how work is or how you are

I’m fine. It’s ok.

This analysis doesn’t stay confined to your work life either. Suddenly you worry about your friends, family – I know what they are saying to my face but what do they really mean? Any situation is analysed to death…. and then analysed some more.

It seeps into your relationship. You don’t believe him when he says forever. You doubt him when he tells you he is over his ex. You share every minute detail with anyone you meet; hoping one of them will tell you how to understand the situation. You spend your waking (and sleeping hours) analysing what he really means verses what he says.

Then he leaves. You feel slightly vindicated – you didn’t believe him when he said forever anyway. But you also panic. You thought he was the one. You would have married him had only he asked. You did mean forever. Did you drive him away? Was it all your fault?
Only worse than that it is another situation where your feelings were wrong. Your gut said, and continues to say ‘he’s the one’. But what do you know? You’ve been wrong before.

And your gut is still telling you to hang on. Despite everything your head is telling you your heart just won’t let go. You try. You tell yourself he isn’t worth it. Tell yourself you deserve better. You know coming back would never work. Yet he still feels like a part of you. You still miss him and wait each evening for him to walk back through the door despite knowing he never will.

You start to pick apart the relationship. What was said, what was meant. What you did wrong.

People start to assume you should be over it, and you feel weak if you admit that you’re still not. So you bury it.
I’m ok. It’s fine!

You’re scared. Terrified that next time you will get it wrong again.

You don’t know if it was love or not but either way that doesn’t matter it still screws you up. If it was love, well he walked away the next one could just as easily. If it wasn’t love then you really can’t read situations so how will you know if you are right next time?

You don’t know how to move forward. You don’t even know in which direction forward is.

Every night you go to sleep and pray that it will get better. Pray that tomorrow will be the day you are free of your demons.

Those voices keep on at you.

Not smart enough

Not popular enough

Not pretty enough

Not worth fighting for

You know everyone else is fighting their own demons, yet you feel they are managing them better than you. And those who aren’t well you just assume that they have it much worse. You assume everyone else is strong and you are weak. You feel their situations are worse after all it was only a broken heat, only bullying, only a misunderstanding…

And then a great man dies.

Takes his life as a result of his demons and the whole world gasps. He seemed to have it all. He seemed so together.

I can remember once thinking how selfish suicide is.

Now I realise how desperate a person must be to see that as the only way out.

Why do we (and I’m assuming it’s not just me) struggle to reach out and say “I’m not ok……actually it isn’t fine”? And why when those people do reach out do they so often get knocked back?

True story: I reached out to my minister. Told him I had hit rock bottom and didn’t know what to do with my life and where I was going to go. His response “what do you want me to do about it?”

If someone asks you if you are ok, are you brave enough to admit that you are not? And if you ask the question for the love of God care enough to listen to the answer.

So, how am I?
At the moment I’m not ok. I’m fighting and I’m trying but generally I’m a mess and don’t know what to do. I am considering new careers, empowering myself with my house, and just battling through each day at a time. I miss him. I hate him and I love him. I am worried about my mum who has been very ill and although not every day is shit I do have times when I am so far from ok I could just walk away from everything and keep walking. Not all days are bad. I haven’t moments of happiness and I do laugh. My dogs bring me so much joy – although I am terrified of the day I will loose them both. I continue to fight. I continue to try and overcome my demons I will not let them win. I will survive this.

Your turn.

How are you? ……And I genuinely mean that!

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16 thoughts on “I’m not ok…and I’m not fine!

  1. I am so sorry you are struggling right now. I wish there was something I could do to help. All I can say is you are worthy and you are worth fighting for and you do make a difference in the world and in the lives of other people. I am stunned at your minister’s response as I had been led to believe the Church was, if nothing a place, a place to turn for solace. I am so sorry the person you felt could offer support was incapable of doing so. Perhaps he has dragons of his own.

    I am thinking of you and rooting for you and here to listen. Any time you need it.

  2. We too are sorry things are so difficult at the moment. Sometimes it is hard to see a way out. The past can sometimes feel suffocating. I really don’t know what to say but try and look forwards. There is sunshine around the corner we are sure. Take a deep breath and have faith. We are all here for you
    Have a serene easy Sunday.
    Best wishes Molly

  3. One thing I had to learn as I was working towards forgiveness in my family is to recognize that the challenging people in my life were broken and nothing I could do would fix them. All my life I thought it was my fault and when my Dad was dying it became clear he was broken and I spent my whole life tryng to fix him, because I thought it was my fault. Prior to that I had hear the phrase you can’t change other people, but you can change yourself and misapplied it. I thought if I changed myself I would have better relationships with the broken people. It didn’t work like that. Broken people have a real hard time with any kind of relationships. They struggle with connections and the ability to communicate. Some get help, many don’t. The children of those broken people suffer greatly carrying the burden that some how they might have done something different, the “if only’s.”

    What finally brought me peace was accepting that only the broken person can seek help. You cannot change that person. You can accept they are broken and develop safe bounderies around which you are willing to interact because you know there will always be pain and hurt caused by those interactions. Sometimes there are no safe bounderies and those ties have to be broken in order to stay healthy.

    What you can do for yourself is learn to develop healthier social skills. When you live with broken people, you tend to develop warped relationship skills because you don’t treat yourself in a healthy way as you try to compensate for the broken ones. This tends to create more bad relationship. Learning healthier ways to relate to people makes for healthier long lasting relationships.

    So, no it isn’t OK. It is hard and it hurts. However, there is hope and ways to manage the challenges differently.

  4. I have waited years for a hint like this from my ex I still love her every word written feels relevant to me I really need more of a hint to fix this problem a secret code you mentioned between us I have to test to make sure I will give you all the answers you want if you are who I think you are. THE CODE I know a couple who were inseparable they always managed quality marks and Spencer shopping with low budgets. if I hit the nail on the head please tweet “how much is that doggy in the window” TODAY from your main account or somewhere i can see it and privately fixing it all if I can’t trust you now I never will heart to heart x

    • I completely feel your pain, and can only imagine how much your heart must be breaking. However, I don’t think I am the ex you are searching for. My ex knows that this is my blog. I was sat in the house we shared when I discussed the name.

      If it was me and I felt like this I would be tempted to tell your ex how you feel. One final message. No codes no nothing, put your heart on the line and tell her the truth, that you will get an honest answer and then you know. You can either restart your life together or you keep trying to move on!

      Good luck, if I can do anything to help!

      • It was a deep reply, I feel her presence around here in fact I see. Maybe you could help I dont know it is worth a try, imagine I am your ex as I have read a lot of your blogs and see similarities with the same points you make that my ex does ranting about me, the thing is I would get into a lot of trouble if I took the risk and got her wrong, like jail trouble i feel sick doing it on a computer never mind tribunals and confronting her is best way I can do it I’ve tried everything already. She doesn’t trust me and I can sort it all! Bailey was spot on about broken people and it takes good strength in anyone to reform from their hurt.

  5. She was my best friend. I didn’t leave her she left me. Not only did she leave me she broke my heart in every way she could think of. I knew when I met her she wasn’t the one for me but what the fuckin hell have I done to deserve this? I learnt a lot maybe just part of my journey and gifted on the way too. i was in love with her we had our moments but thought we were strong enough to face anything after he was born. It hurts that i still want her but couldnt have her even if she wanted me. Where rules and pride concerns me anyway..It hurts when i see his face and I see her too. Hurts that I didn’t get enough time with them both, hurts being the only person in the world who understands the bullying she goes through and its not a surprise our relationship was secret from the bullies. If she really loved that boy why would she do that to him? Wasn’t he enough? Got ya baby now ta ra ok I get that but to continue taking the piss out of me way she does, still remain broken and worry myself if I’ll ever get over her hurt I may never know why to what I ask, the bully in her life I always knew existed, she told me when I met her in fact I thought it was him and not her but she seems worst. am i really suppose to believe i was welcome? If I was why did that change? It felt like an interregation than getting to know me when i met her parents. how do you claim to love someone but restrict the things and people they love from their life? How do you condone acceptence in ones household which was never welcomed? If she ever loved me why is she doing this to me? Why did that ex get hospitality from her folks that I didnt get? Its not even his baby. If that ex looked like me would he have the same problems as me? Was he my replacement to make them feel better? When YOU write in black & white way you do it sounds beautiful. if i thought she was forced to say things shes said under infuence of those racist bullies it makes it easier to forgive her i love her i hate her no shut up fuckoff..my feelings never stopped. does she believe it herself her own lies? Are you enjoying this game? 4 million children in UK going without seeing their children this christmas YOU inspire me

    • I don’t know. I am so sorry to hear you are going through all this. Have you thought about talking to a professional? I started seeing a counselor just prior to the break up and she has been amazing. It may be worth looking for someone in your area!

  6. You said put my heart on the line not started really…he cares more about her than she thinks he wants to help her..Forgiving her is easy he saw the apology near his birthday..he even made peace with pre ex pre you after 6 years…he thinks a Skype appointment might settle her nerves? If not she expects the unexpected he doesn’t want to see her breakdown, it wouldnt be fair on her, she broke my heart #karma took hers

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