This weekend saw a momentous occasion in the house. I have finished the spare room (other than putting up shelves and ornaments!) and I managed to wallpaper the statement room in my bedroom meaning I managed to put my bed up. Yep, I am no longer camping out on a mattress. A time for celebration, I am so closed to being finished, my house is finally going to be a home and plans will not have to fit around DIY….and yet putting up my bed has raked up a whole load of issues, regression and generally
set me back a few steps knocked me on my arse.
Before putting up the bed I felt massively homesick. Not for the house I shared with the ex (so that’s good) but for my house with my folks. Had I not had a friend staying with me (who has been, and continues to be amazing) I think I may have packed a bag and headed to theirs for the evening.
This weekend also saw me missing the ex more than I have for a while. I don’t know if it’s because he shared his plans for the weekend; I had BD and he made a passing comment about how it was going to be a heavy one with the lads – stag do! Whereas I am very careful to only divulge that I am free or busy (most of the time). I can’t help but wonder why he told me. Yes, I know you are all screaming “he is just making conversation” and me, if it helps I am screaming it at myself. But then there are the other trains of thought “does he want to make me jealous?” “Is it because he has no one else to share it with” or the more likely “is he just an insensitive jerk who doesn’t realise what knowing does to me?”
Knowing his plans, make it feel like it did. I feel like he is away for the weekend but will come back. He will come back to me. And I know he won’t. And I know I he can’t. But part of me wishes there was a way. Like you see in those romantic films when they realise they have been a jerk and fly across the world to win back the one they let go of.
I know he won’t.
But yet I want him to. (Part of me wants him to)
I don’t know if part of the problem is not knowing why. I like to be able to figure things out and this is one riddle that I can’t. I have no idea how he could leave me so easily. Hell I have no idea if it was easy, when I don’t think he is an ass I at least give him the credit to having thought long and hard and struggled with this. But other days it feels as if I was nothing, those are the days when I am being less charitable to him, and me.
I’m scared to take a risk again, knowing I was left that easy.
I’m scared to take a risk again, not knowing what went on. What I need to put right next time.
I thought love was enough. I believed the Disney films and the fairy stories. Now I wonder what is love?
Does love even exist, or is it all just a hormone imbalance brought about by species survival?!