I don’t know if I’m romantic, naive or just plain dumb but is it wrong that I want to find someone in my life we thinks I’m worth fighting for? I don’t mean drunken punch up outside a night club because someone has looked at me funny. I mean think that having me in their life means something and so will hold onto me that little bit tighter when I am struggling to hold on for myself.
Obviously the most blatant example of this is the ex. The fact that in a matter of months a guy who ‘loved me more than anyone he had ever known’ (or some shit like that) could give up on us, on me within the period of about a month. There was no ‘long goodbye’, no talking through of problems, no promise that we would both try harder it was just ‘I love you…… but get out!’
Going from happily ever after to completely alone in a matter of weeks is hard. Knowing someone ‘loved you’ but yet so so easily walked away from you is hell. It makes you doubt your worth, it makes you wonder if it is all lies, and you can’t help but wonder if the next time it will all end the same.
People have told me I am lucky that it ended this way; that it wasn’t drawn out as that would have been so much worse. I don’t know if that’s true. I don’t know if we had got to the point of screaming and shouting at each other it would have been easier to finally except. Or would it not have mattered anyway; as no matter how the end results would have been the same? Who knows!
It happened to me again last night.
I was (until last night) on a committee with a local group. I had been on the committee for a number of years and up until this year was a very active member of the group. But a few circumstances have changed things. Obviously the biggest and most important is my house. I want to get it finished and since January I have been absent from more meetings than I have attended. The other main reason is the chairman. The man is a vile toad and appears to target ‘vulnerable’ women time and time again. I have raised my concerns that he holds this position of authority but I am ashamed to say the opinion seems to be he’s good at was he does, his victims are all consenting adults who should have known he was a toad because he was coming on to them despite being obviously married, and it doesn’t actually happen on the club grounds and so he remains.
Last night we were asked if we were going to remain on the committee for the next year and I responded honestly that I was unsure. Part of me wanted to, but another part was aware that with the house still being on going I wouldn’t be able to make most of the meetings for the rest of the year and it’s no longer a local club anymore. Also as a result of the ‘toad’ being uncovered (which was mainly my doing) there has been various fallings out. People who I thought were friends have proven to be ..…well if I’m honest completely stupid….and some people have left meaning the dynamics aren’t the same any more. I would hate to lose contact with this group but I now live a distance away and so perhaps I need to consider a more local group and new friends up here.
So I put my cards on the table, mentioned the distance, discussed my lack of time to committee and other than a comment of “we’re happy to have anyone who will put their name forward’ there was no encouragement for me to stay on. In fact the only other comment was “well when will you decide?” and the tone didn’t encourage me to change my mind.
So I stepped down.
It’s another chapter of my life drawing to a close.
Another ending that I actually, hand on heart, I don’t fully want.
But they didn’t fight for me. They didn’t support me when I needed it and I deserve better than that. So once again I will bide my time and wait until I find a new fit and this time I hope when the going gets tough I will be fought for!