I’m tired. No I’ll rephrase that, I’m shattered.
I don’t know why… I had an early night…. slept well. But now I can barely keep my eyes open. I can’t stop yawning. Nothing seems to help. I’ve drank enough tea and coffee to make me feel slightly water-logged but all that has done is made me need to pee – however that gets me away from my desk for 5 minutes so it’s not all bad.
I’m supposed to be going to Zumba tonight but I just want to go home and zonk out on the settee.
I’m supposed to be writing a blog post, but the words aren’t coming. I’m starring at a blank screen and it’s achieving very little.
I have thoughts racing around my mind, but I can’t seem to get them down on paper (well screen technically!) I want to tell you about my lovely weekend with BD and Mity. I want to complain that without my knowledge the ex has booked BD into kennels for most of the week. I want to talk about how playing with Mity this weekend made me realise how old he’s getting. His reaction times have slowed and he grabbed my hand more than once, while trying to grab his toy. I want to slow him down. Make time stop, make him stop. I don’t want him to grown any older than he is. I love him too much to face what comes next. I know it could be months, years before I have too…. but in the back of my mind I know it’s coming. It makes me want to spend every minute I can with him, imprint every second into my mind so that I will not forget a moment. The way he ran, the way he talked, the way he smelt….
I kick myself for the videos of him running ‘crazy dog’ around the house that I never made. He doesn’t do crazy dog as often any more (although he did in my house the other day and that moment is imprinted!!!) I’m too scared to admit what I am feeling about him, almost as if if I don’t say it then he really isn’t aging!
I’m also back in a weird place. Saturday night I got into bed and I missed him. I missed him so much it hurt. For 2 days all I could think about was him, what I had lost, what he threw away… I thought I was past this. Moved on to a happier place, but I was wrong.
Knowing he was an arse didn’t help. I didn’t want him back, but I didn’t want him out of my life. I still don’t. I think I would be better if we could be ‘friends’ but I know that isn’t probable. However, I wish it could be.
Sat here now, other than shattered I’m ok. I’m not missing his as much as I was this morning. This morning I forgot for a brief moment. I was back to before we lived together. Before it all went wrong. For a minute I was back at the very beginning, and I wanted to text him to make plans for a weekend together.
It was only a moment, but it was very strange. It hurt. It made me nostalgic and it made me want to move back in with my folks again.
I’m ok. A day of work has rectified the situation and brought me back to the present but I wasn’t yesterday and that is annoying. I thought I had finally moved on. I was wrong!