I’m tired. No I’ll rephrase that, I’m shattered.

I don’t know why… I had an early night…. slept well. But now I can barely keep my eyes open. I can’t stop yawning. Nothing seems to help. I’ve drank enough tea and coffee to make me feel slightly water-logged but all that has done is made me need to pee – however that gets me away from my desk for 5 minutes so it’s not all bad.

I’m supposed to be going to Zumba tonight but I just want to go home and zonk out on the settee.

I’m supposed to be writing a blog post, but the words aren’t coming. I’m starring at a blank screen and it’s achieving very little.
I have thoughts racing around my mind, but I can’t seem to get them down on paper (well screen technically!) I want to tell you about my lovely weekend with BD and Mity. I want to complain that without my knowledge the ex has booked BD into kennels for most of the week. I want to talk about how playing with Mity this weekend made me realise how old he’s getting. His reaction times have slowed and he grabbed my hand more than once, while trying to grab his toy. I want to slow him down. Make time stop, make him stop. I don’t want him to grown any older than he is. I love him too much to face what comes next. I know it could be months, years before I have too…. but in the back of my mind I know it’s coming. It makes me want to spend every minute I can with him, imprint every second into my mind so that I will not forget a moment. The way he ran, the way he talked, the way he smelt….

I kick myself for the videos of him running ‘crazy dog’ around the house that I never made. He doesn’t do crazy dog as often any more (although he did in my house the other day and that moment is imprinted!!!) I’m too scared to admit what I am feeling about him, almost as if if I don’t say it then he really isn’t aging!

I’m also back in a weird place. Saturday night I got into bed and I missed him. I missed him so much it hurt. For 2 days all I could think about was him, what I had lost, what he threw away… I thought I was past this. Moved on to a happier place, but I was wrong.
Knowing he was an arse didn’t help. I didn’t want him back, but I didn’t want him out of my life. I still don’t. I think I would be better if we could be ‘friends’ but I know that isn’t probable. However, I wish it could be.

Sat here now, other than shattered I’m ok. I’m not missing his as much as I was this morning. This morning I forgot for a brief moment. I was back to before we lived together. Before it all went wrong. For a minute I was back at the very beginning, and I wanted to text him to make plans for a weekend together.
It was only a moment, but it was very strange. It hurt. It made me nostalgic and it made me want to move back in with my folks again.

I’m ok. A day of work has rectified the situation and brought me back to the present but I wasn’t yesterday and that is annoying. I thought I had finally moved on. I was wrong!

11 thoughts on “*Yawn*

  1. It is so sad to see our loved ones be it human or animal grow old. We lost Ancient Pip last December at 16 plus and we miss her everyday. We just cling on to the good times and cherish all the pix we had on our blog. Pix we might never have taken. Stay strong and of course you will have ups and downs but things will get better. Have a terrific Tuesday.
    Best wishes Molly

  2. My Doggy is only 3 and whenever I see older dogs I just think of mine. When he gets old and no longer drives me crazy with his puppy antics. I don’t wanna go through that.
    Remember your previous post, if life gives you lemons, get vodka or tequila, or both and go crazy!!!

  3. Grief, of any kind, isn’t linear. No matter what psychologists like to tell us about the stages we go through when we’re going it.

    Glad you were able to get things off your chest. Sometimes just writing helps.

  4. I agree with what somethingwagging said.
    Things bring the pain nearer to the surface again at times, but the lows are gradually not as low as they were – and you shake it off faster, as you’re finding.

  5. Hi, I dont think its an all or nothing kind of thing. There will be days, moments where you miss him…..but I think overall, there are more days than not that you are OK! At least it seems to be trending in that direction. I have the same thoughts about my older girl, Sammi. She is ok….but she was shivering yesterday and needed a trip to the vet to reassure me of such. She is just slower, more tired than she used to be. And it makes me sad….but I am also trying to just cherish the time I have now, rather than focus on the “what will be”. Try not to let this bump in the road get you down. Build up your speed again….the weekend is almost here!

  6. When someone dies family and friends gather and we try to help the widow/widower through the loss.

    People understand what it is to lose a spouse to death in that sense and there is a respect for that loss. Divorce still brings a loss, but it is a far more akward situation and we aren’t encouraged to grieve publically. I don’t mean the temper tantrums and revenge stuff that people pull, I mean the honest grief that losing a relationship causes. Even when bad, there is a loss that you have to work through and a process that takes time to heal. Someone can be a complete jerk, but for many there is still a process of working through the loss of that life. We often don’t really respect the challenge of that in the way we do those who lose a spouse to death.

    As for the aging of our pets, it is one of the reasons I wanted my blog. It is so comforting to read back stuff I’ve long forgotten about the silly things they do.

Looking forward to hearing from you....?!

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