I have changed

So when I was having a sort of heart to heart with the ex the other day he made a comment which got me thinking. He said “Do not change”.

Um. No.

I have changed and I am continuing to change. How could I not?

Gone is that ideal view of the world. I no longer feel that love is enough and will get you through anything.

I am cautious about meeting someone new. Worried about the next ‘Mr Right’ walking away with the same ease.

I wonder what it will take for me to once again trust someone; what will it take for me to make a commitment. Whether I will give over the whole of my heart willingly, or will he have to work hard to break down walls that I have built up – will someone even bother? And that’s before I even start considering the idea that one day someone may want to live with me and they will either move into or I will have to move out of my little house!!

But not all the changes have been negative.

I’ve learnt that I am so much more capable than I give myself credit for. Hello, I have taken apart and rebuilt my little house (almost) single handedly. I have learnt how to put the drill bit into my electric drill, hell I’ve learnt that it is called a drill bit! I can tile, and plumb and saw and drill and build and take apart and carry and mend. I have had chances that I would not have had had this relationship continued, I have even felt sorry for my friends who (i hope) will never have to experience this as they moved from parents houses directly in with a fella.

I have spent hours agonising over wallpaper and paint samples. Worried that it won’t look right, or that I will mess it up. But you know what, although I haven’t finished yet it is finally coming together, and it looks bloody amazing!!

I have had friends step up – I now know who my go to girls are. I know which friends haven’t stepped up. I know which are the friendships to nurture and work at and which to stop trying to revive.

I have spent a night in my house alone.

I have bought a house. Me. By myself. It is all mine and no-one (excluding the bank) can take that away from me. It is mine.

I have grown plants, I have killed plants. I have re-potted at 8am in the morning and gone out at 11pm to water the garden.

I have been liberated.

To anyone dealing with a break up I would say embrace and learn from it. Learn from your experiences. Don’t change to fit in with anyones expectations, but don’t be worried about changing either.

I have had my heart broken, and it has changed me. But I’m ok, hell I’m more than ok with that!!

 

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12 thoughts on “I have changed

  1. You know what….the majority of those changes are for the better. I am amazed at all you have done on your own. You rock.

    And speaking from experience (divorced due to infidelity and now VERY HAPPILY remarried), the trust does come again. It takes time, and a very understanding significant other…but it DOES come.

    • Thank you so so much. Part of me knows it will and if I’m honest that scares me as much as it thrills me.

      I’m trying something new. No worrying, no judging, just stepping back and see what will happen!

    • really? wow. Thank you. But perhaps it’s a good thing that there is an ocean or two between us as if not I would be constantly at your place loving on Honey.

      Oh and wanting to see you and hubby too obviously!

  2. I’m proud of how you’ve been able to move forward despite the heartache. You bought your own house, you’ve fixed it up yourself, you are rediscovering yourself, and more. You’re awesome!

    Regarding change… so long as change means growth, there is absolutely nothing wrong with changing. Just change for yourself, not for others.

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