So when I was having a sort of heart to heart with the ex the other day he made a comment which got me thinking. He said “Do not change”.
I have changed and I am continuing to change. How could I not?
Gone is that ideal view of the world. I no longer feel that love is enough and will get you through anything.
I am cautious about meeting someone new. Worried about the next ‘Mr Right’ walking away with the same ease.
I wonder what it will take for me to once again trust someone; what will it take for me to make a commitment. Whether I will give over the whole of my heart willingly, or will he have to work hard to break down walls that I have built up – will someone even bother? And that’s before I even start considering the idea that one day someone may want to live with me and they will either move into or I will have to move out of my little house!!
But not all the changes have been negative.
I’ve learnt that I am so much more capable than I give myself credit for. Hello, I have taken apart and rebuilt my little house (almost) single handedly. I have learnt how to put the drill bit into my electric drill, hell I’ve learnt that it is called a drill bit! I can tile, and plumb and saw and drill and build and take apart and carry and mend. I have had chances that I would not have had had this relationship continued, I have even felt sorry for my friends who (i hope) will never have to experience this as they moved from parents houses directly in with a fella.
I have spent hours agonising over wallpaper and paint samples. Worried that it won’t look right, or that I will mess it up. But you know what, although I haven’t finished yet it is finally coming together, and it looks bloody amazing!!
I have had friends step up – I now know who my go to girls are. I know which friends haven’t stepped up. I know which are the friendships to nurture and work at and which to stop trying to revive.
I have spent a night in my house alone.
I have bought a house. Me. By myself. It is all mine and no-one (excluding the bank) can take that away from me. It is mine.
I have grown plants, I have killed plants. I have re-potted at 8am in the morning and gone out at 11pm to water the garden.
I have been liberated.
To anyone dealing with a break up I would say embrace and learn from it. Learn from your experiences. Don’t change to fit in with anyones expectations, but don’t be worried about changing either.
I have had my heart broken, and it has changed me. But I’m ok, hell I’m more than ok with that!!