Monday Blues

I’m having internet issues. Hell I’m having life issues.

In can’t get anything to post properly, although that’s not a problem as yet again I find myself struggling for content. I can’t comment on anything without multiple attempts, swear words and thinly hidden threats. (If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, do not worry for my safety but instead spare a thought for my poor computer which will be sat on the ground in pieces having been thrown out the window!)

I feel lots. I can’t make rational sense of my thoughts, so no surprise I am struggling to get them out on here. I don’t know what to write. I don’t know what I want to write. Do I even want to write?

This blog was started at what I thought would be an interesting stage of my life. I don’t know if I have previously explained the thought behind “25 castles on 25 clouds”  but when thinking of the title I knew I wanted something about looking forward, dreaming big, experiencing life and so I picked up a thesaurus to see if I could come up with an unusual and interesting word and there written was ‘Castles on Clouds’.

I liked it, and it appealed even  more because my favourite musical is Les Miserables and I loved that the title meant everything I wanted to but at the same point linked to my likes. It felt like it was mean to be and so Castles on Clouds was born. I signed up to wordpress. Set up a dedicated googlemail account. Chose the passwords for these accounts. And promptly locked myself out of both.

After multiple attempts, threats and perhaps a splash of bad language I decided that changing the name was my only other option and so I picked the number 25. I would like to say something deep about the reason I chose 25 – but it just was the first number that came to me and I liked how it sounded.

This blog. My blog was supposed to document the most excited moments of my life. I had just moved in with the guy of my dreams and we were starting our lives together. We had discussed children. Argued over furniture and I thought we’d planned a future together. I had a rough idea of what I was going to write about. Although never admitted out loud I had more the 25 dreams and this was going to be the place I was going to document them all. And in total honest I was hoping I would become one of those lucky few who can make a living while blogging so that I could stay home with BD, then stay home with my children during their early years. I had it all planned.

The very suddenly the rug was pulled out from under me. Suddenly I have no funny posts about relationships, or family life. Hell with the house keeping me so busyI don’t even see BD enough to write something good about him.

This weekend I had to go back to my house to remove the furniture I had left with the ex when I moved out. There has been no point in removing it before now as I had no where to store it. Now I realise we have to go through the bedding, sheets, towels that we bought together and decide who gets what. I can’t tell you how much I don’t want to do this. I don’t want our relationship to have come down to arguing over towels or from whose house the duvet in the spare room came from (FYI mine, and I am getting it back!)

Suddenly I feel lost. The dreams I have held so close to me for the last 4 years are now a distant memory. I feel stuck. Stagnant. I don’t know where I am going or what I am doing and it is now affecting every part of my life. I am miserable going to work. I feel undervalued and worthless. People ask each other about their weekend, yet no one seems to ask me. I will inquire about peoples evenings yet no one asks me about how my house is getting on.

I keep telling myself that I am just going through a change. That it will all come out alright better in the end.

But today I don’t feel like that. Today I am sick of dealing with arsey workmen. I am sick of feeling hurt. I am sick of forcing myself to feel nothing because the hurt is too much.

I’ve lost my castles, maybe they sunk into the clouds who knows. Right here right now – who cares?!

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4 thoughts on “Monday Blues

  1. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. If you don’t mind, I’d like to tell you one of the things that helped me. It is difficult, but in the long run, it really works. Now don’t take this harshly. I’m not trying to criticize. But how about instead of talking about how bad you feel, find something good to talk about. It’s okay to vent here on you blog, but try to throw in the good stuff too (like you did with the interesting information on how you came up with your blog name – cool!). I know it’s more difficult to see the good stuff, but it is there. Perhaps you enjoyed a nice cup of tea. Or you found the best nail polish color. Or one of your flowers bloomed. Or you saw a funny video. There is always something good in your day, even if it is small. So if you find yourself in a conversation with someone, avoid talking about anything negative. People might not be asking you about your weekend because they don’t want to hear the negative anymore. Smile even if you don’t feel it. Give people compliments. Avoid gossipy conversations. By being outwardly positive, eventually you will begin to feel it inwardly too.

    When it comes to being positive, I have an excellent role model in my mom. My mother is suffering from terminal brain cancer. She gets worse by the day, but every time I talk to her we laugh. I can’t believe she can still laugh and be cheerful in the face of her deterioration. She’s an amazing inspiration!

    • Your mum sounds like an amazing woman. Thanks for the tip I will try it. I really hate being so negative… I just feel stuck. If I wasn’t too young I would say I am having a mid life crisis!

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