I sent the ex an arsey message. I know I shouldn’t have but I was upset and annoyed and so took it out on him. Its ok I hid my ‘dig’ slightly with a sticky tongue out face emoticon (does it have a proper name?) so that he would think that I was just kidding and not stop me having Bd.
Believe it or not I have not majorly kicked off at the ex about all that has gone on. I avoid confrontation and so have generally, any time I have been upset, thought “what will it achieve” to which the answer is always “nowt” and so I have held my tongue, taken a deep breath and walked away. I used to do this a lot when we were together as well. I used to think to myself “is it worth the fight” and more often than not decide no so I would keep quiet and take some ‘me time’ to calm down.
Looking back on our relationship I do regret not standing up to him more. I thought maybe had I been less of a push over…..
The day I moved out I left him a card and a gift. Yep, you read that right; I didn’t throw a vase at his head, I wrote down all my feelings, told him to get his shit together, left him a couple of presents and then (somehow) walked out the front door of my house. Well I say walk, more was carried out the door by my amazing family who pretty much packed up my life with him for me, took a million photos of my house and sorted it all while I lay sobbing uncontrollably on the floor of our bedroom.
He wasn’t there to see any of this of course, as he had thought it would be “easier” if he was away when I moved out. In hindsight I realise the only person it was easier for was him, and the fact the morning I moved out I woke up with my head on his shoulder….he should have been stronger. I wanted him to change his mind. I was in no position to be strong – hell I’m still not.
When I sent him a text to inform him I had moved out the response of “I hope it wasn’t too stressful” had my mum spitting feathers. He hasn’t got a clue. He has no idea that I have had to stop drinking more than a glass of two of alcohol as if I drink any more I can’t stop crying. He has no idea that I have and still do hide my tears from my folks (when possible) so as not to worry them. In fact I think he has no idea that there are still tears. He has no idea that the fact he still calls me ‘dear’ makes me want to punch him in his stupid face.
I want to let him see my tears. I want to cry on his shoulder and hit out at him, and I want him to hold me and tell me it’s all going to be ok.
I know I can’t go on like this. I don’t want to. I want to fall in love, get married and have children. I want this dull ache inside to go away. That’s why I’m making a stand. I have tried many times before, but this time it feels different. I won’t be seeing him anymore. I’ll still see BD but I have many times successfully collected and deposited BD without seeing him, the only times I do see him is when he has made an effort to see me – I have never made the effort to see him. I may have put something nice on so I look hot if I do, but I have never intentionally made the effort to see him.
I wanted to get to a place where I could see him and it wouldn’t hurt. However a conversation with my mum has made me realise that might not be possible. And so instead I will just run away from him. I will bury any feelings I have deep down inside. I will move on. Not yet to dating anyone else – I’m so not ready for that. But I will tell him I don’t want to see him. I’m not sure when, but I will
I still want to see BD and so I try not to rock the boat. When we next discuss me having him I will ask him to be out of the house when I collect him and drop him off …..for the rest of eternity (because BD is going to live forever, and so is Mity while you’re asking!). However for now I hold my tongue and hide the tears. Well most of the time. Well until today when he told me I couldn’t see BD on later this week as he is away and I responded “Ah yes you did say. I’d forgotten your life had become a none stop holiday now :0P”
He hasn’t responded.