Wishing my life away

It may or may not surprise you to know that I am an impatient person. Not in a hunt down Christmas gifts and unwrap and re-wrap them on Christmas eve so I know what’s in them kinda way, more in a I want to know how my life is going to turn out and if I’m going to be ok.

12 months ago, when I was blissfully happy I looked back on some childhood photos and said to no-one in particular “I wish I could go back and tell then young me that it was all going to be ok. That I didn’t need to worry about my friends dating when I was single, that I had lots of short (as in 4 days) relationships and generally got board after ‘the chase’. That is was all going to be ok. We met someone. Not only is he fantastic but life with him is better than you ever expected. You have changed in ways you would never imagine, but by finding him you have become completed and everything is ok. So try not to worry too much, enjoy being young free and single because in the end it all turns out ok!!”

But it didn’t and it hasn’t. I have thought long and hard about writing this post. I don’t want to bore you all yet again with another post about the ex. But the other posts I have tried to write haven’t wanted to be written. And then I remember that as much as I love and value each and every one of you, the reason I started blogging was to have space to honestly write about my feelings and so here goes.

He goes on another holiday tomorrow. Yet again he and his friends are taking off and having another lads holiday.  This is hurting me.

The reason I know he is going away is because I have BD for the week he is on holiday and as this is the longest time I have had him since the split he chucked me out I am a little apprehensive about it all. I don’t know if part of that is what’s brought on my melancholy or if it is the fact that I know for the first time in years there will be no holiday in the sun for me this year (and I do love my holidays in the sun!)

I hate him. I don’t know if I’ve said that out loud to anyone, or even admitted it to you guys but there it is. The fact he has moved on from me so bloody easily is just insulting and the fact that he didn’t fight for me, for us makes me realise that he never deserved it…. but that doesn’t help!

It’s hard to explain, but when I look back on my time with him it’s almost like it was a really good dream. I can’t believe I was that happy, that in love. I know we can never go back. I know I will never be able to trust him and so I am moving on, picking up the pieces and waiting to see what my new life is going to be like. However this is making me impatient. I want to be over him. I want to be able to see him without it having any affect on me – I think being ok so long as I don’t see him doesn’t actually mean I am ok and avoiding something doesn’t actually mean the situation isn’t there which is why I say I want to be able to see him but not have it affect me.

Work is shit, my house is taking forever and I am so scared of moving in alone and despite trying really hard I am still in love with the stupid, idiotic, grumpy old idiot. I just want the next few years to be over with as quickly as possible.

I want to move on. I want to meet someone, settle down, have kids. I want to see my career blossom and spend my days in a job I enjoy making a difference with my work. But I don’t know how to get there and so I clock watch my way through the day, cross the day off in my diary when I get into bed, and pray that tomorrow won’t be so hard.

10 thoughts on “Wishing my life away

  1. I’m sorry. I trust the universe will take care of you. But I know it doesn’t feel like that to you now. I hope feeling bad doesn’t get in the way of you having a lovely time with BD for a week (even if you decide it’s better for him to stay home than to join you and your friends at a busy event).

    • had a brilliant night with him last night, but I am so annoyed. He has a really obvious tick on his face that the ex clearly hasn’t bothered to remove and I can’t get the bloody thing off. Why the ex didn’t remove it before going away grrr

  2. I’m very sorry you’re having a tough time right now and feeling so down. I hope sharing your feelings on the blog is helping. Heck, sometimes just writing them down helps, even if no one sees it but you. Hope things improve, and I hope life seems to speed up a bit, and get you to the point where you want to be…even if you’re not quite sure where that is just yet.

    • I know, and you’re going to think me crazy but that also scares me slightly. Getting over someone you loved makes me worry I will always get over someone I am in love with – what does this mean for future relationships?!

  3. Have you read http://www.thebaddayblog.com ?

    I read that and I’m starting to accept life is shit and humans are designed to be miserable but there is some escape.

    We’ve both got blessings, me, my son, you, a home that is your own (I can only dream of home ownership, I can’t see me ever having that opportunity).

    And all your friends here. I’m going to shut up now, im all depressed cos I just got back off me hols x

    • ha ha at least you’ve been away! And I’m dying alone which means I’m never going to have sex again which is not only depressing in itself but means I will never have kids, and I can’t become a crazy cat lady because cats don’t even like me :”0(

      I jest of course. I do count my blessing and know that having my own home is amazing – none of my friends have managed this. I know there are people a hell of a lot worse off but sometimes saying “well at least I’m not dying of cancer” just doesn’t cut it!

      I’ll pop off to read that blog now – hope you had a good holiday!!

  4. It does suck. BUT have you ever thought of writing all this down and telling HIM? Hear me out. Sometimes the hardest part for us is not being able to release the emotion. Sit down, write a letter to him, tell him everything you feel…about the breakup, how he didn’t fight, how his moving on hurts you. Be honest with him. Once you’ve written the letter put it in an envelope, put his first name on it, NO STAMP and stick it in the post. You will be releasing the negativity that comes from the break up. And once you’ve done that, once a day, at night before you fall asleep, think of one good thing that has happened to you that day. Just one.

    • I have written him a couple of notes, and given them to him. But recently I have been of the opinion of ‘what’s the point in telling him’ he doesn’t seem to care otherwise he wouldn’t have walked away so bloody easily.
      I will give it a go, thanks x

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