It may or may not surprise you to know that I am an impatient person. Not in a hunt down Christmas gifts and unwrap and re-wrap them on Christmas eve so I know what’s in them kinda way, more in a I want to know how my life is going to turn out and if I’m going to be ok.
12 months ago, when I was blissfully happy I looked back on some childhood photos and said to no-one in particular “I wish I could go back and tell then young me that it was all going to be ok. That I didn’t need to worry about my friends dating when I was single, that I had lots of short (as in 4 days) relationships and generally got board after ‘the chase’. That is was all going to be ok. We met someone. Not only is he fantastic but life with him is better than you ever expected. You have changed in ways you would never imagine, but by finding him you have become completed and everything is ok. So try not to worry too much, enjoy being young free and single because in the end it all turns out ok!!”
But it didn’t and it hasn’t. I have thought long and hard about writing this post. I don’t want to bore you all yet again with another post about the ex. But the other posts I have tried to write haven’t wanted to be written. And then I remember that as much as I love and value each and every one of you, the reason I started blogging was to have space to honestly write about my feelings and so here goes.
He goes on another holiday tomorrow. Yet again he and his friends are taking off and having another lads holiday. This is hurting me.
The reason I know he is going away is because I have BD for the week he is on holiday and as this is the longest time I have had him since
the split he chucked me out I am a little apprehensive about it all. I don’t know if part of that is what’s brought on my melancholy or if it is the fact that I know for the first time in years there will be no holiday in the sun for me this year (and I do love my holidays in the sun!)
I hate him. I don’t know if I’ve said that out loud to anyone, or even admitted it to you guys but there it is. The fact he has moved on from me so bloody easily is just insulting and the fact that he didn’t fight for me, for us makes me realise that he never deserved it…. but that doesn’t help!
It’s hard to explain, but when I look back on my time with him it’s almost like it was a really good dream. I can’t believe I was that happy, that in love. I know we can never go back. I know I will never be able to trust him and so I am moving on, picking up the pieces and waiting to see what my new life is going to be like. However this is making me impatient. I want to be over him. I want to be able to see him without it having any affect on me – I think being ok so long as I don’t see him doesn’t actually mean I am ok and avoiding something doesn’t actually mean the situation isn’t there which is why I say I want to be able to see him but not have it affect me.
Work is shit, my house is taking forever and I am so scared of moving in alone and despite trying really hard I am still in love with the stupid, idiotic, grumpy old idiot. I just want the next few years to be over with as quickly as possible.
I want to move on. I want to meet someone, settle down, have kids. I want to see my career blossom and spend my days in a job I enjoy making a difference with my work. But I don’t know how to get there and so I clock watch my way through the day, cross the day off in my diary when I get into bed, and pray that tomorrow won’t be so hard.