I hate him

Please know I am writing this on my lunch break Wednesday 21st March however because I am organised you won’t be seeing this for a while and are instead stuck in a ‘woe is me’ series of posts which I wrote while on holiday. After a serious ass kicking from some of my favourite girls (you know who you are!) I felt motivated to write this – which is good as I had no idea what I was going to write about today!

I am not in as bad a head space as it would seem. The holiday without him was hard, yet harder still is that this is another step I am taking without the idiot coming to his senses and realising what a total fool he has been. Do you know how scary it is that someone can claim to love you so much and yet walk away with such apparent ease? I don’t know if it is this factor that has me hanging on so hard. “Please God, let me not be that easy to move on from!” Despite how it may seem I am trying to succeeding with moving on with my life. I have reached this weird stage where I just can’t believe that I was ever that confident/comfortable/in love with another person and I can’t see me being in the position again – I know I will, but right now I need time. I refuse to rush head long into a new relationship and I know I am doing the right thing, but around me I see friends getting engaged, married, having children and I feel like I am being left behind.

After the bullying I received in my previous work place I am scared what it means if I am wrong about him being ‘the one’. My boss there took great pleasure in twisting my mind so that i don’t trust my ability to understand people or situations. I always look deeper into something, when actually there is no depth. If someone tells me something I think “well that’s what they said…but what do they really mean?”.

I don’t doubt that he did love me. But if you can get over me so fast, what does that mean for the next guy I meet – when will his love affair with me end? How will I trust myself to know that “this time it’s different” when I already believed I had found the one?

Despite all those doubts I am moving on. I have already informed him that I have no need to see him when I collect BD and when he was texting me on holiday I asked him to hold off until I got back. In fact I have even gotten to the very mature point of every time I think of him reminding myself “that he is an ass and I hate him”. Yep, I am genuinely saying that to myself a couple of times a day.

The truth of the matter, and I will always be truthful on my blog, is that I want him back. However, I know that this isn’t going to happen, and I’m sorry he has had enough of my tears so I am picking myself up, dusting myself off and one day I will get back into the ring…but not quite yet. For now I am taking some me time and getting my shit together. It’s only fair before I take on someone elses!!

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