Day 2 of the holiday. Day 2 of messages from him. Yesterday he didn’t know (had been told but forgot) that I was away, today he apologised for disturbing my holiday. The problem is I want him to be texting because he misses me, I want me being on holiday without him to be killing him as much as it is me. But I know the reality is,he’s selfish, and so wrapped up in his little world that he,hasn’t even spared a thought to think about how I am. He’s been on one long holiday celebrating since he broke my heart, whilst for me….. Well you guys know better than most.
The problem is I continue to miss him every second of every day. I see something and think “I must tell him” or ” he’d like that” or “that reminds me of the time….”.
I am not a completely lost caused. I hate to say it but I have realised there is no going back. Before now I knew that’s because he wouldn’t take me back, but now I know I can’t take him back . How could I ever trust him? When would it all get too tough and he’d walk away a second time, a year? A month? After we had kids?
Strangely, coming back to the place we had our last holiday together (not my choice, more circumstances have brought me here I was offered a free holiday, I didn’t care where) has made me realised this really is the end. I hate it. I don’t want it to be. But there is no other option. So I’m using that knowledge to hate him in a hope that that will lead onto getting over him. God knows loving him still is no longer am option.