This wasn’t going to be my topic for this morning; in fact it was going to feature at all on my blog. It was a suspicion I had but nothing more and it certainly wasn’t news worthy…until I thought about it deeper.
It would appear my ex is hiding from me. Since the breakup, well to be honest I don’t know what he was doing. We spent a day together when I was upset following a spat with a mate, cancelling his plans to comfort me. He invited me for tea on numerous occasions after I’d popped up to walk BD (I didn’t always say yes – go me!), we went on a couple of dog walks together. Initially when we broke up I had instigated a ‘picking the dog up from and dropping back into the garden without any physical contact to help me get over the break up’ rule. I managed two successful drop offs before BD wasn’t in the garden when I went round. This resulted in my knocking on what used to be my own front door and refusing to cross the threshold asking him to bring BD out to me, after playing this game a few times I started coming in but I still refuse to let myself in when he is at the house.
Anyway, this all changed a few weeks ago. It was the day after I had had the dog debate and completely fallen apart. I don’t know why that was the catalyst but for a few days I was back to the very beginning of the break up, in fact my mum told me I was worse that I had been when this all happened.
I’d gone to see BD as I was so in need of a cuddle from him and the ex just happened to be there. He told me I should get the dog, and said that he would help me out and this lead to a very honest conversation, at least from my side, with him about how I was coping.
I told him that he couldn’t offer to help with the dog as he can’t commit to me for that long. I told him that I was very aware (as much as he wants to deny it) that soon he will have someone new and that someone new will not be happy that I still have a key to the house and see BD. I told him that at some point he will have to choose the new person or me, and he will not chose me. I admitted that I still miss him, that it gets harder every day, and I admitted that the fact he is so bloody fine is almost the hardest thing about all of this.
He said very little, until I was leaving where he said to me “just because I appear fine, doesn’t mean that I am”. I said nothing, what I should have said is *pregnant goldfish* if you aren’t fine and are missing me even half as much as I miss you then why the f-ing hell are you putting us both through this?!! and if you are just saying that in some misguided notion to make me feel better then don’t *pregnant goldfish* cause really it doesn’t help. But I said nowt.
Since that night he has had to work late…or been busy with friends or just seems to be making up reasons to not be at the house when I am.
It’s gotten to the point where I feel he is going out of his way to avoid me, I would be lying if I didn’t admit to been a little hurt that he wants to avoid me. I will hold my hand up and admit I have bruise pride. There is a part of me that is relieved that I am not seeing him. Maybe this means that I will finally move on. But mainly I am disappointed, if since I have admitted how hurt I am, his answer is to avoid me then I have finally realised that I wasted 4 years of my life falling in love with a coward.