Now what am I going to do?

It’s 9.05am and I am already sick to death of my job and counting down the hours until I can leave. Which is case you were wondering is 7 hours 55 minutes or 453 minutes or if you would prefer 27180 seconds.

I always wanted to do something that mattered with me life. I studied hard(ish) I went to Uni, passed my degree with a 2:1 and then got a job in the role I had trained very hard for. So the job wasn’t quite as I imagined, but on the whole I was doing a job that mattered. The long hours I put in, well for a start they got a guy locked up for assault for 5 years and I loved that my job mattered. I mattered.

Then the bullying worsened and I went through hell. The mind games my then boss played on me… well let’s just say they still affect me to this day and I am still having counselling as a result. I was advised by 3 different doctors that for health reasons I could never return to that work environment, and when my employer decided not to properly investigate my bullying complaint I was let with no choice. I told them where to stick their job and on Christmas eve I walked out. I was a mess. The guy had bullied any feeling of confidence or self-worth out of me. I felt I couldn’t do the job I had studied hard for; I felt I couldn’t do anything.

I did some part time jobs waiting for something more permanent and then I saw an advert for the place I currently work, and you wanna know why I applied for it? Because it was close to where the ex worked and I hoped it would one day lead to us living together. Yep, it was only months into our relationship and yet I was so confident that he was the one that I applied for a job which (yes I am going to sound big headed, but it was pointed out in my interview so…) I was significantly over-qualified for.

This place hasn’t all been bad. The people are lovely, and I do have days where I really love my job. I have been amazingly lucky that they have supported my development, sent me on courses and help me get my head slightly more together. However, I am aware for my current role I am significantly underpaid. This isn’t me just complaining I need more money, I have had a look at similar jobs and I am at least 30 grand under where I should be. I work stupidly long hours, which when taken into account with my current rate of pay I barely make minimum wage and all of that wouldn’t matter to me if it wasn’t for the fact that at the end of the day I’m working my ass off to make some rich people richer.
I have been unhappy for a long time. I have attended interviews at other companies but I worry that will leave me in the same place, granted with more money, but still doing a pointless job.
Then one day I came up with a plan. He had bought a house he could afford without my wage (part of the security he needed for when we lived together) and so my plan was to discuss with him my returning to Uni to retrain. I had it all planned, I would need him to support me while I became a full time student again (although I wouldn’t give up work fully, so that I could still contribute to the house) and then when I qualified and got a decent job we would both be financially better off and I would be doing a job I loved. It felt like a win win situation.

Only I never got to put that plan to him. We never did have that conversation. And now I am alone with a mortgage to pay and I feel trapped. I need a monthly pay check. I am barely going to be able to cope to cover the bills when I do finally move into my house and I feel trapped.

Trapped in a job I don’t like.

Trapped in a life I don’t want.

8 thoughts on “Now what am I going to do?

  1. Hi there, I think we all have those days where we feel like….geez… did i get here. I work in a high stress job with lots of hours and sometimes very little if any recognition.

    I think you have a serious case of stinkin thinkin. This job isnt so horrible, you do occasionally get to hang out with puppies, right? And maybe your warm fuzzies have finally warmed up some of the other employees? And the other thing to remember is that its not necessarily permanent, either. Eventually, when you get more settled with your new house, you can decide if this is really where you want to continue working, or if its time for a change. Perhaps even eventually back into the field you originally wanted to be in?

    New houses always seem to drain the bank account, but soon you are going to live in YOUR house. Something you own and you have worked really really hard at lately. I think you should be super proud of your accomplishment. You have done this completely on your own. I think its awesome!

    Hang in there, things do get better!!

    Michelle =)

    • I don’t know if the twat of a boss has wrecked my confidence too much to do that. I just want my life to matter, and I know I am not defined by my job but at the moment I feel like so much of my life is a waste!!

  2. I don’t know what to say, but I hear ya! I hated *pointless* work, employment that profited companies but helped no one. I have always had retail jobs, I’m typecast now. I can’t get office or paid charity type jobs. Things I am suited to but have no experience in.

    I have no degree, no college years, nothing like that. My ex wouldn’t allow it, and now I am too old for gov funded college courses, but also too skint to pay for them. I can’t get a job as you try explaining 18months out of work following a breakdown, and that I’d still need therapy appointments off work. #awkward
    I feel stuck and trapped too. X

  3. You do need a job to pay the mortgage, but it doesn’t mean you can’t start looking around at what other jobs are available within a reasonable distance. You have all the fun of getting your house in shape to look forward to, but you’re probably not going to live there forever. You’ll be able to sell it or rent it out in the future if it doesn’t suit you to be living in that area.

Looking forward to hearing from you....?!

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