I know I’m not the only one out there who thinks that about themselves but at the moment that’s all that seems to be going through my head.
I was thinking back to the very first wedding I visited without parents the other day. It was my very good friend from Uni and I can remember being impressed that she was brave enough to take this step. Even though I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, I wasn’t in a place where I was ready for married. But yet here was one of my best friends becoming a proper grown up. It was the evening do and my and another friend were sat around with our respective other halves and she asked him how we had met and he said ” I walked into the office at work one day and she was sat at her desk. Her beauty stopped me in my tracks and when I went back to the office I worked in I admitted to my colleagues I had just met the most beautiful woman ever and we had had a conversation which I couldn’t remember because I couldn’t get over how stunning she was.” I felt so amazing, not only that he had felt like this about me, but that he was willing to declare his feelings for me loudly to anyone who would listen.
I remember the first time he told me he loved me. We had been at my folks house and were driving back to his. I was sober (and driving) and he was a little ‘merry’ he looked at me for the longest time and said “You know I don’t believe in being in love and all that rubbish? Well if I did – I am”. It may not sound like much, but to me it was perfect.
I remember when he asked me to live with him. We were walking home after a meal out at our local Indian restaurant and as I was gazing at the stars he asked me to move in. I told him he was drunk (although I knew him well enough that I knew he wasn’t) and asked if he was sure, and said if he was he had to ask me again the next morning, which he did. Eight times I asked him if I was sure… and eight times he told me he was.
And I remember the night he broke up with me. half way through our holiday, he had been withdrawn and I knew it was coming. We were sat outside the apartment we were staying in, gazing at the most beautiful sky I have ever seen and a star shot past and we both made a wish. Mine was that there was some way we could make it through this. We had already discussed us spending a few nights apart when we got home. I was stood wrapped in a blanket and he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I asked him his wish and he told me it was ” that I would be happy” in that moment my heart broke. That wasn’t a wish for a future with me. He had made his mind up and was giving up on me, and on us.
I spent the entire night crying inconsolably. He also cried.
People have told me that he didn’t really love me and I am afraid I don’t for one second buy that. But for whatever reason he decided that I wasn’t worth fighting for. I can’t help but wonder how he could take his cheating wife back….and yet walk away from me? I don’t get how in less than a year we went from planning children to living apart. I can’t help but wonder why I wasn’t good enough.
What worries me more is that if someone can feel that strongly about me and walk away what does this mean for future relationships? If I can’t tell when someone loves me how will I ever know if I’ve found the one? More worryingly what the hell do I do to get ride of the voice that tells me I have found the one but I lost him.
And this doubt is creeping into other areas of my life. Rather than reassuring me, my blog is starting to worry me. I’ve become obsessed with stats and comments. Worrying that I am not funny enough, thought provoking enough…. just not good enough. Rather than writing about what I need to say I worry how people will read something, if people will read something? What they will think of me when they do?
I think part of my problem is that the constant DIY is leaving me shattered. I have never slept so well but yet I am SO tired.
I am struggling to know my purpose. I am struggling to know anything any more. I want to get away but yet the idea of going away without him makes me feel nauseous! I am trying to move on. He is so I bloody well deserve to. Yet I still get into my car and cry. I still miss him every second. I am doing much better and I have a couple of friends who often get “I want to text him but can’t text him cause he’s a prat so I’m texting you” messages but somewhere deep down it doesn’t help.
I went to my counselor last week, and paid more money than I can afford to spend an hour ranting about work. And when I left she questioned “what I was avoiding”. The truth is I have learnt to survive on a superficial level because if I don’t I cry. I have had to stop drinking any more than a glass of wine (on the occasions when I drink) because if I get tipsy I cry.
I want to get over this. I want to move on. I can’t continue like this….. but how?