I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but today I am not in a happy place. I am tired, warn out and I’ve just had enough!!
I hate that over the weekend I have reverted back to uncontrollable sobbing (or as uncontrollable as I let myself get) over the ex. I’m in this new interesting place where I kinda hate, but I kind don’t. And as much of me that hates him, wants him back. Plus I don’t really hate him, I’m angry at him for being fine when I am still such a mess. Annoyed that he hasn’t drunkenly text me to tell me he is missing me. Pissed off that he is going to move on long before I do. Angry with him for doing this to me, angry at myself for still caring. It’s been 6 months..shouldn’t I be somewhat over this?
I miss him every second of every day. Without wanting to my mind wanders and I wonder what he is doing, what he is watching, is he thinking about me? Does his mind wander to me to? I look at the clock and notice that he will be finished work in five minutes, or the programme we always watched together will be starting, or the weather will be nice and I will remember the walk to swim in the river we took last summer….and I wonder if he is finding this all as hard as me?!
And the honest answer is no. He seems to be fine….and so I hate him.
I hate him for giving up on me so easily. I hate him for getting into a relationship with me before he was ready. I hate him for being the reason that I am shattered after another weekend of DIY. I hate that he is the reason I am now (in the short term at least) planning a future alone. I hate him for having to share BD with him, when I should be living with them both. I hate him for planning holidays with such ease when the idea of a holiday without him still has tears rolling down my cheeks. I hate that he has done this to me. I hate that I doubt trusting anyone again. I hate that he made me so happy. I hate that he used to make me hot lemonade when I was ill, but now there will be no one to look after me.
I hate that I am lying to people and pretending I’m fine. I hate that he had moments of being such an ass when we were together. I hate that he wasn’t the vast majority of the time.
I hate that despite being able to list 1000 reasons as to why I deserve better…… I still want him.