I am my own worst enemy, and I am certain I am not alone. On the odd occasions I actually know what I want to write, which usually happens as the result of a dog walk and no where near as often as I would like! I will sit down and start by trying to come up with a witty and enticing title. In fact I will spend so long coming up with said title that when I finally begin to write I will have totally forgotten the content for my witty, engaging and life changing post – just play along, I’m having a bad day and don’t need lip from you!
Today’s awe inspiring post was going to be about ‘learning to love yourself’. I was going to tell you how last night was actually great fun and on the whole I think very productive. Without prompting he informed me on the process of his divorce (the fact he is actually getting divorced is massive as it was the major cause of our arguments when we were together!) we hung out and I spent most of the evening curled up next to BD as he snored on my knee. It proved to me that I do want him in my life, that I do want him back (Ok that bit I knew) but it also proved to me that I want the whole package and if he doesn’t step up I will, one day, be strong enough to find someone else who will.
I was then going to cleverly tie in the fact that the major part of last nights counselling session, with an actual qualified counselor not just chatting with him, was about how I can’t say ‘no’ and will tire myself out running around, trying to please everyone and usually fail to please anybody. I spend my entire life stressed, in fact he said this was one of the things he found hardest about living with me. I’m not talking about normal stress, I get everyone has that. But I will book back to back appointments to fit everything and everyone in and then have to leave one friend early to arrive late with my other friend resulting in unnecessary stress. We mentioned the ‘no’ thing as well. I can say no if I am busy, but I find it impossible to just say ‘actually you know what I don’t feel like it’ without reprimanding myself for weeks after and stressing (yep that word again) for weeks after that the friend I said no too now hates me, will never want to see me again and now has a Lauranne shaped voodoo doll. Actually that last bit is a lie, I don’t think that anyone thinks I am that important enough that they would waste time, energy and money on producing a voodoo doll about me.
And I was going to finish if off by saying I am so busy with work, the buying a house thing, the ‘pressure’ to blog (which I love but when you sit at the computer and don’t know what to write), the figuring out what my future holds, seeing friends, figuring out finances, fitting in an MOT, running a volunteer website, I never find time to just be. And so I was going to cleverly say this valentines day I am going to look after myself and recommend that regardless of other plans spend a few hours just looking after you.
Yes, that’s what I was going to do. But having spent half n hour trying to come up with a witty post my lunch break is up so you will never know I had all that in me! Be sure to join me tomorrow when I will not be sharing with you the fact I am turning into a human pizza – actually that’s a pretty cool title. maybe that post will get written!!