A confession

Today it would appear I am suffering from writers block, the words just won’t come and so instead of the witty post I was hoping for your going to have to settle with this instead….. Tonight I have been invited for dinner with him and I have accepted.

I feel that I should justify this decision. Explain how this will help me figure things out. Lie to you that actually this is a really positive step and will help me on the road to getting over him….. but I can’t do that. I won’t do that. I am going because I want to see him. I am going because I think that if I stand any chance of winning him back it will be by spending time with him reminding him that it wasn’t all bad. In fact it wasn’t even half bad.

We had a proper good heart to heart at the beginning of last week. He admitted that he has some growing up to do. He also admitted that when he asked me to live with him he made a mistake, he wasn’t ready to live with me and he apologised for that. There were moments when I thought “yep, this is it over” but then there were moments when I thought “perhaps there is hope”. We discussed my new house and I informed him that even if he said he wanted me back right this second I’m not coming running. I am getting my house and we have a whole lot of foundations to rebuild.

In fact you should have seen his face when I informed him that I didn’t want him. I’m not living in some fantasy ‘it was all perfect and look at those unicorns’ world. He has issues from a past relationship, heck we both have those!, he is grumpy, short tempered, short, always tired, older than me, doesn;t know if he wants children, doesn’t want to get married, and he is in no physical way similar to the men I usually go for – has brown hair (and before him I only ever dated blondes), he has tattoos (sorry but not my thing!) he has a bigger build than my two previous exes combined…… I could go on. But there is just something about him. He attracts me to him in a way no man has previously, he challenges me and makes me want to be a better person. Despite the ‘sensible part’ of me saying move on you are so better off without him, something deep inside says “hang on he’s worth it and not just because you don’t want to be alone, because give it time and you will find someone else, someone more suited who wants everything you want and likes everything you like” and the idea of someone new makes me feel sick to my soul.

Despite comments from friends, family and strangers in the streets I just can’t give up on us, not quite yet so tonight I am going for tea. So now I’ve told you guys would you mind telling my folks??!

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6 thoughts on “A confession

  1. Oh relationships ….so complicated! I think you’re very brave to revisit this one again and I really hope it works out for you. Take it slow and see what happens….

  2. Not so good that you had dinner with him, but good for you for telling him you didn’t want him! That is a step forward, it really is. Relationships are so difficult. Our emotions interfere so much with our common sense.

    • I’ve accepted that I want him back despite everything and so want to spend time with him to see if it will happen. BUT I am not putting my life on hold! In fact I am already considering which dating sites I am going to join!

      • Careful about those dating sites. Make sure you find one that does a background check. I actually met my husband through a dating service. Not a dating site, but a dating service where they did a full background check and asked hundreds of questions in order to match us up. This service suggested the dates. We didn’t shop for each other online. You know people tend to be dishonest online because they know the info is public. But since the info with a dating service is private, people tend to be more honest. This service matched us up perfectly! Li Xi, my husband, was my second set-up date and I was his first. We knew almost instantly that we liked one another. And within a couple of months we were talking about marriage.

        If you want to just date, a dating site is perfect. But if you’re looking for a real relationship, consider a reputable dating service. It is going to cost, but it is worth it.

      • Thanks, I will bear it in mind. I am toying with finding out about single nights. But the idea of trusting someone again…. it’s a catch 22, Until I can see there is someone out there worth getting over him for I don’t know if I will, but then I don’t want to start anything with someone new and then break up with them 4 years down the line as it was initially ‘too soon, and I now have stuff to deal with’

        just grr

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