As I said yesterday in my post (go read it now, I’ll wait!) a lot of friends, family, random people in the street worried I was giving up too much for him.
My ‘sacrifices’ were one of the things we would argue about almost daily and being the stubborn arse that he is he refused to see that as a “young woman” (condescending much?!) I could be happy without the life he imagined I wanted including the big white wedding. To be fair I couldn’t promise him that I wouldn’t one day regret that I hadn’t gotten married, but I knew that as far as I was concerned our relationship and life together, committed to each other mattered more!
I was out shopping with my mum one day, having this very discussion with her when she said “well you will just have to have a hen party type weekend for your 30th” and suddenly I had a light bulb moment. I decided that I could quite happily live my life with him and then if later down the line I suddenly needed the cake, the dress, the hen party, I could have them all I had to do was deconstruct the ‘traditional white wedding’ for example:
Hen Party: The idea of having a hen party worries me. Will people want to spend an entire weekend celebrating with me? How many girls would I have to invite? Friends, Family, Work colleagues? Even without any wedding plans the idea of a hen do stresses me out. I have a limited number of friends and relatives I would actually want there and I am passed the getting drunk and playing silly games thing – been there, done that, threw the hat away a few years back. However, deconstructing the wedding meant that I could invite only the people who would ‘get’ what this was and so I would have the people there who love and support me. I wouldn’t be worrying about people as only true friends would support such a crazy idea. Suddenly this tradition appealed to me!
This brilliant idea partly gifted to me by my mother then opened up the flood gates:
Wedding cake: If i decided I wanted to spend a significant amount of money on a cake I could do just that. One day I could walk into a bakers and order myself and expensive three tier cake but rather than having to have fruit cake and white icing, it could be chocolate and bright blue with a frog on top.
The Dress: There was nothing to stop me spoiling myself and spending a fraction of the money one would spend on a wedding dress on a really special dress for me. But once again it could be whatever style, shape or colour I wanted. Short and backless – why not? Green instead of cream and I bet I would get more wear out of it!!
The only time this really fell apart was the children debate. He didn’t know if he wanted children. Hell he still does’t. Whereas I have been told that due to various health issues I may struggle to conceive (although that opinion does differ depending on the doctor giving it!). After much thought and soul searching I told him that if the time came when I chose having a child above him, then I would walk away and do it alone.
I know that may sounds crazy but I have been following the blog of the most amazing Mumma for a while and she gave me the courage to make this decision. I told one of my close friends and amazingly she was on board with this idea, and even my parents were supportive. The only person who hated it was him.
The crazy thing about the child debate was that more than anything I wanted to give him a child. Weirdly more than anything I wanted to give him a son. This is despite the fact that I want to have two girls. When we were together I asked myself almost daily ‘if I can’t have children with the man I love then do I really want a child’ and the honest answer was I didn’t know.
And so I told him I would wait, wait until I was ready to have a child and then if I was and he wasn’t I would walk away and if he had finally grown up then we would have taken the next step together. With or without marriage.
I think that too many people spend too much of their lives doing what is expected of them – by society, family etc.
It’s great to stop and think about what you want for yourself.
It’s true. Having spent months thinking about this stuff, suddenly being single I don’t suddenly want all the things I was ‘giving up’ my views are very much the same.
I also found it interesting that when talking to my friends many of them felt that society puts pressures on that they didn’t want – a few of them loved my deconstructed wedding idea!
Might that Mumma be me? 😉
I think there is a strong possibility!! :0)
That makes me happy. It’s why I started blogging almost three years ago 🙂
Good, I will be requesting your number on speed dial if I do this alone!!
A Hen Party is a cute idea. But when was between marriages and dating, it was really difficult for me to connect with someone if I knew they never wanted to get married. I was in a relationship with a guy for almost three years with no sign of marriage in site. Without that commitment, I couldn’t fully commit my heart. It wasn’t the wedding I cared about, though. It was the commitment.
And i wanted that commitment. It was knowing we were going to face life together no matter what that mattered. I didn’t need a piece of paper or a big party to make that any more real. In fact even now I am looking at the chance of meeting someone who wants to have the big white wedding, I don’t know if i do! X