I’m struggling! I don’t know why but I feel like I have made about a million little steps backward and I feel as raw as I did when everything first happened. I don’t know if it is my return to the ‘real world’ after a couple of weeks off for Christmas and New Year, the realisation that with every day that passes he is successfully living another day without me in his life, while I…..
I know I can’t put my life on hold for him, I listen and agree when my friends tell me I deserve better, but that doesn’t help. I don’t want better. I want my old life back. Today I have read some amazing posts about new starts and looking forwards, but I don’t want to look forward and yet it hurts too much to look back.
This time last year we had just spent our first Christmas and New Year in our new house, and we were dreaming big for the future. For Christmas last year he gifted me a very expensive necklace and earrings set. Not that the cost mattered. I am and always will be a thought rather than monetary value kinda girl, and would always prefer to be gifted 100 of my favourite penny sweets (not that you seem to be able to get penny sweets anymore!). But how can he spend that money on me and yet less than 12 months later walk away? Last February we booked into the Opera and stayed at a hotel for Valentines day. Less than 12 months ago!!
Over the Christmas period we did spend a day together, I wanted to see BD and I could only do this if I saw him too. We laughed like old times, and he cancelled plans with friends to fit me in. On New Years Eve he told me I mean the world to him, and he has openly admitted that the idea of me ‘being’ with anyone else kills him…..yet I am facing this year alone and I don’t want to. Not any more!
I’ve had enough of putting on the brave face and pretending my heart is breaking in two. I have had enough of being understanding. All I really want to do is bitch-slap some sense into him!!
I am sick and tired of having to do things by myself. I love spending time with BD but it is so much more fun doing it with someone. On Sunday I was once again looking at buying a new washing machine, the only good thing about the split is I am being able to walk away from the old machine which we bought because it was pretty and I hated it from the very first wash that it refused to get clean and then dried to a crisp – without being instructed to do so!!
This year I am looking at a lot of firsts but rather than getting excited I am full of dread. Not only at doing these things alone, but that every miles stone is another step away from him. I promised him I would love him forever, I told him that I wanted no-one else and I meant it, even now, even after everything I am spending every waking moment willing him back to me. How do I break my word? How do I stop loving him? How the hell could he do this to me?