Every time I have picked up BD from my old house I have made sure I stay outside. It has been too weird to go back into my house and I didn’t want to hurt myself any more than I had already done. I will always remember the first time I picked up BD from the village. OH had said that he didn’t have time to drop BD with me and it was very much “if you want him, you are going to have to come and get him”. This was before OH had started spending the night, and so I drove to the house to walk BD around the village I used to call home…..and it hurt more than I could possibly imagine.
The plan was that I would pick BD up from the back garden and drop him off post walk – meaning I would have no contact with OH. However when I got there BD was not in the garden and so having walked around the house to the back I turned around and walked back to the front and had to stand on my front step and ring my doorbell.
When OH opened the door I couldn’t look him in the face I was crying so hard, and I managed a mumbled we won’t be long before I took BDs lead and headed to a local field that I knew he could have a run on. One good thing about this break-up is I have now gotten over my fear of the dark – when you heart has been ripped out of your chest you don’t worry about monsters or ghouls that may come and attack you from a dark hedge!
I stood in that field, as BD amused himself with a stick, sobbing my heart out. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t see, I just stood there and cried. I wish I could say I cried until there were no more tears left but I don’t think I have finished crying over OH yet – however whether the tears will be because of him, or because he is too scared to live his life to its full only time will tell.
Since that night I have visited the house a number of times, and each time it gets easier. But until yesterday I hadn’t gone back inside. Yesterday however, OH wanted to show me the cards and presents he had got for his birthday and I was keen to see what, if anything, had changed and so I went and perched on the edge of my old settee.
It felt nice to be back in the house, part of my hurt that I couldn’t pour myself a glass of wine and curl up in my spot, but the other part of me was happy that I could just be back in my house for a little while. This time when I left my house I said goodbye to it, and it was without the same sadness as last time.
I don’t know what the future holds, I don’t know if I am playing by the right rules. All I know is I’m building my life back up one choice at a time!