You may find this hard to believe but I have spent a lot of time analysing what went wrong and trying to pin point where everything went wrong – get out of town right??!
Anyway I have realised that although I am not stupid enough to put all the blame on him shoulders, I actually think the vast majority of it belongs there. Back when things were going well at the beginning of the week, I was actually in the process of almost hating him. I don’t want to hate him, I know that it is not completely his fault that he was so badly treated by two woman who claimed to love him (and thanks for that by the way girls, as if it isn’t hard enough to find a nice guy. Please make it that bit harder by screwing around any decent guy that you don’t want so that you can completely fuck up all their future relationships as well!)
He has claimed that his life is less stressful and more relaxing without me in it (sounds boring right!) and he has also admitted that he never had any alone time. He then went on to say he didn’t miss my lateness (fair point) or that I used to put my bag down as soon as I came through the door (to stroke BD) and wouldn’t always pick it back up – it is this comment that started the potential hating, you don’t get to break up with me because I left my bag by the door.
The only issue I can agree with him on is that maybe (to him) we spent a lot of time together. You see I had a lovely balanced relationship, I spent time with friends and family. I stopped attending my amateur dramatics for a while, but that was because we had done two big shows and I wanted a break, also it was new living with OH and for a while I wanted to spend my time getting settled in the house, and enjoying a relaxing summer. In hindsight, I realised that my balanced relationship was everything I wanted, however I spent my time seeing friends and family and going usually when he was stuck working late or on a weekend. This meant that he did very rarely have a night in with me out.
However, he gave up to soon. I have taken my break from am dram and I am now signed up to the next show and am once again out most nights. This week:
Monday – Committee meeting
Tuesday – Rehearsal
Wed – Swimming with sister
Thursday – Singing Lesson
Friday – night in with BD
Sat – return BD, shopping and lunch with friend, Sat night more wine with a different friend
Sun – bike ride and relax
For me moving in together was almost once again day dot on the relationship. I wanted to spend my time with him, in my house and with BD. However like all healthy relationships as time went on I would have spent more and more time being busy and so we would have seen less of each other. I didn’t completely give up my life when we moved in together, but had he only talked to me about his concerns I could have been out more taken more girlie weekends away and figured out a solution that didn’t end up like this.
I have thought long and hard about sharing this. My friends and family have had two different strategies to help me deal. One is letting me moan and feeding me wine, they point out his good points and well as his bad and generally make me feel a whole lot better. The other technique is claiming he is a complete idiot, which makes me feel like an idiot for loving him, and puts me in a position where I spend the entire conversation defending him. This has also put me in a position where I know that if we do get back together he is no longer welcome at certain houses.
I guess I’m scared that by sharing some of his more knob head moments if we do get back together this will become another place where he is not welcome, and I don’t want to have to restrict what I say. (Please don’t worry or think this is me slagging you off. This says a lot more about my lack of faith in myself and my massive issues than any of you amazing people!!)