So up until Monday I was in a good place. I had done some serious thinking, and as result of a couple of conversations with OH and his sudden interest in decorating the house I had realised it was over – I had to move on. I told myself he has no feelings left for me, and so I had to look into figuring out my future alone.
On Saturday I had a night out with some friends, and this lead to another healthy development – I don’t need to be in a relationship right now.
Yes there are things that I will miss, having no future holiday plans to look forward to is hard, sleeping in a cold bed sucks, but I realised I really don’t want to go back into that analysing every text message…..looking for the hidden meaning in the presence or absence of a kiss on the end of the text…wondering the meaning behind the time between each text. I had escaped that and I am not in a place where I want to go back. On Saturday night I realised that this is ok, I have friends and family, I am busy so why not just be alone for a while and perhaps purchase a few more hot water bottles!!
I had even found a little place to rent, near work dead cheap. I was the first to apply for it and it finally felt like everything was coming together. Renting this place for a year would let me know where I want to buy – OH and I moved to a small village about an hour away from my folks, but closer to my work. When I first moved out I was determined I was never moving more than 5 minutes away from friends and family. However as time has gone on I am missing this village that I called home, and it is cheaper, so I looked to buy there. The more I have thought about it, the more sense it makes to look at renting for a short period of time. It will let me decided if I want the lovely little village because I want the lovely village or because it is a way to hang on to a dream of a life with OH.
So things were working out, I was getting towards being happy and settled… and then OH called me at work…for a chat. He didn’t want me to feel like he was ignoring me, and so he rang to see how I was, to discuss dropping BD off at mine on Friday, despite me offering to collect him from the old house meaning I had no need to OH. This one phone call has managed to revert me back to missing him like crazy, and wondering if he wants to see me and if that is why he is offering to drop BD off at mine?
I am annoyed at myself that within the space of one phone call I have reverted back and all I want is my life with him back!