That is the one question I have avoided asking throughout this entire process. I have had people ‘helpfully’ point out that if he really loves.. (loved?).. me then he shouldn’t have put me through this. However I have always answered “because he needs so space to sort his head out, he has been hurt and he is now trying to fix himself so that he can possibly fix us” or “we couldn’t go on as we were, I was doubting his feelings for me, he was withdrawn and grumpy…we need this. It’ll do us good” and although I still strongly believe this in my heart last night I muttered the immortal words “how can he do this to me” while stood outside the house I used to live in, sobbing uncontrollably and feeling my heartbreak into even smaller fragments.
Yesterday morning I got a text from OH ironically saying that he hadn’t slept at all last night and so would not be able to the 30 minutes journey to pick up BD from my parents house so that I could see him. However generously he did say that I could collect him and walk him around the village that I used to call home, in the dark, alone, praying not to run into any of the neighbours to have to explain why I was there! All day the decision chewed me up, but I decided that I wanted to see BD. I already feel like I have let him down massively, and to not come and see him last night was not an option. So I drove home.
BD greeted me happily at the door and hurried to bring me inside the house, I stood on the doorstep, unable to look OH in the face as I tool BDs lead and told him I wouldn’t be long. I couldn’t face the village so instead I headed down a track to a local field. BD ran around like a crazy thing and loved every minute, he chased sticks (yep even in the dark he wanted to play with sticks) chased sniffs, and ran around like a loon, occasionally barking loudly at me when my sobbing got too loud – this is always his way to cheer someone up, although it will then involve a tennis ball and some growls! (Please don’t think I sobbed the entire time – just a few minutes here and there of heart wrenching, stand still whole body shaking tears, then I would resume playing and talking to BD). It was during one of these moments that I muttered the words, although to who I don’t know.
The break-up I get, the time apart, the burying his feeling over the last relationship and letting it screw up ours, the completely ruining my life fine, but to be so selfish and/or thoughtless that I had to go through that last night…..?
A picture of my carrot cupcakes, to end on something a bit more yummy!