One of the many things that I am struggling with at the moment is who entwined our lives were with each other. The cereal I have on a morning, is the one that OH introduced me to and I am now addicted to. The way I make my salad up for lunch, is because OH was so fussy about having his salad a certain way.
We had started picking up on each others habits and worryingly we were slowly turning into each other. OH has picked up a few of my often used phrases…”massively”….. “the problem is”….. and my personal favourite was the time he mutter “uh oh spaghetti oh’s” when he was out rock-climbing with his friends and lost his footing. (I am very impressed there weren’t more expletives – there would have been for me!)
And I picked up 101 little things which when I say or do I wait to tell him, look around to see his reaction knowing he will laugh only he’s not there any more.
One of the many things OH has given me is the love of the outdoors and the drive to spend my evenings out on my bike, walking the dog through beautiful countryside or swimming in a river. I am scared that with winter coming, I am going to loose this motivation and spend my evenings as a couch potato – it was only last night that I went to bed at 8am and watched mind-numbingly bad television for a few hours until bedtime. When we lived together, I would have walked the dog, made lunch, played with the dog and then if nothing was on we would have gone for an early night (get your minds out of the gutter) and read our books.
I am worried that people think I should be over it, the move out was a long time coming, and it has been a week. I’ll meet someone new, and live happily ever after – although well meant it is those comments that cut the deepest. Had we spent months arguing… if we were splitting up for a good reason… if we had both just stopped loving each other.. then I could tell myself to be strong, to move on. But the truth is he still loves me and I am still in love with him.
The days continue to pass, and annoyingly I am counting down until he returns from holiday and takes me home. I worry that I am in so much denial. However there are times when it all gets too much and I break down, when the tears fall and I am sobbing uncontrollably – at least I feel that is healthy!
When OH and I went on our first holiday together we hired a Jimny, and had two amazing days discovering Fuerteventura. We saw everything, including the local rubbish tip, and returned home vowing that the next car we bought would be a Jimny. From that holiday forwards, every time we saw a Jimny we would point it out to each other and laugh. Prior to the split, I have pointed a Jimny out to other friends and family members, but they just don’t get it… now I see a Jimny and feel a small stab in my chest, and it goes by unmentioned.
On our final holiday, I taught OH the game ‘Mini-punch’ if you haven’t played it then you are missing out. It is a game my sister and I used to play as children. The rules are very simple the first person to spot a mini punches the other person in the arm (you can decide how hard, I will admit when playing this with OH my punches were significantly harder, and sometimes without a mini in sight – but he broke my heart so to-ma-toes to-mar-toes right?!) The only rule is you can’t punch for the same mini and a mis-identification results in the wrong party receiving two punches. OH and I added our own rules, that spotting an original mini results in 5 punches, and we took to counting how many mini’s had driven past us that day. (If you do decide to play this game feel free to add your own.)
Playing ‘Mini-punch’ means that not only can I now identify a mini at 100 paces, but I can identify them in the dark (although that was slightly more fluke and good luck!) The negative to this game is that now it is not only Jimny’s which give me the chest pains.
I wouldn’t trade the memories I have for all the tea in china, and once the pain has gone I usually smile at the brilliant memories I have. But the other day, watching two mini’s and then a Jimny drive past………….