So after a quick Google search to ensure that the Nile is in Egypt, which lead to a further search to see if Egypt was in Africa – and I got a B in Geography GCSE!!…
Yep sorry folks I went there! Turns out that not only in de-Nile a river in Egypt, which according to Wikipedia is in Africa (every day is a school day!) but it is also a spare room, in a semi-detached in Yorkshire. Sometime yesterday or early this morning I realised that I am living in complete and utter denial about my situation. The move out came about last weekend when OH was out of the country with his friends, and so I was the one who stood outside at 5am in the morning and watched him drive away with BD in the boot of the car, went back into the house and fall apart. (I won’t repeat the name one of my friends called OH when I told her this was the plan!)
At first I thought it made perfect sense for me to move out the weekend he was away with his friends, we had dates in our diaries for a couple of weekend prior which we were attending as a couple(ish) and so why not move out once all that was over with. Plus it meant that I got to spend a few more weeks living in my house, with BD and him, enjoying my life…..
As the weeks passed and we slipped back into living as we had post holiday, I think my denial of the situation grew… but you see you don’t walk hand in hand across fields if you don’t love each other right? You don’t fall asleep on their shoulder every evening if there are problems? You don’t still make love, if you’re leaving? but we did. Many times I turned to OH and said I can’t believe this is happening….
The split we are going through is complicated! OH has told me he still loves me, I have asked if the love has changed… if he sees me more as a friend… a sister… but he says not. I have asked if there was anything about me I could change….(yes I went there) he assured me I perfect. I asked what was going on in his head, and the explanation was “I have locked part of myself away after my past relationships screwed me up, and until I can unlock that part of your self, and love you as fully as you love me, then I do not deserve to be with you, and it is making me miserable” (Ok not a direct quote, but you get the gist!)
So now my life is on hold, I don’t and can’t hate him…. I want him to be happy! but I can’t move on from this pain, this agonising hurt or start to feel anything but numb until I know where his head. I am not going to wait forever, and I have given him the deadline of 31st Dec (rather poetic I thought!) so for now I just wait….
The problem is…knowing that he is on holiday…knowing that on Saturday he will come home for the first time to our empty house I have somehow gotten it into my head that this means on Saturday night he will come back to me, that he will be outside my door begging for me to come back. This feeling inside is helping me get up in the morning, and reduced the number of crying fits I am having.
The sensible part of me knows that that will not happen, but the majority of me…the part that hoped we would be getting married in Dec rather than separating in October… is holding onto this hope with every fibre and I don’t know what I am going to do when he doesn’t.
Part of you is facing the idea that things may not turn out the way you hope. It’s horrible to be in a state of hope and dread at the same time.
I’m worrying now people think I should be over it!
Anyone who had been through a painful time knows that it takes time to heal. It’s different for everyone. It doesn’t really matter what they think anyway.
Thanks I keep trying to tell myself that, but when I fall apart on Monday I am worried no one will be there!