Well I did it. I have no idea how, but somehow I have been through the worst weekend of my life and come out the other size breathing.
I was in complete denial all day Friday, most of Saturday and part of me still is. One of the key points of this denial, was when at 3pm on Sunday I turned to my dad and said “It has only just hit me that once we have packed up the van, I am going to be coming with you to leave the house.” Yep, I had packed up my entire life and yet still managed to not comprehend that I would be leaving my house, my life, me behind….
I know it sounds very dramatic, but even sat here now I am shaking. I walked into the office this morning and burst into tears, because my drive to work was the drive that I would take to get back to my home, only this time I turned off two exits two soon. As I pulled into work I scanned the hill line in front of me trying to see my little house (which I know is not going to happen, but I still had to look). When I was being driven away from my house at 4.56pm I watched it until trees blocked my view….
I know that time will heal me, I know that we couldn’t have gone on as we were, but I am now in limbo. We had a holiday planned for December and I was hoping that I would come back with a ring (yep, shows how unaware I was that he was cycling home every evening to me in tears) my only complaint was that was sometimes grumpy and insensitive. However the highs made up for any of the rubbish.
I have been thinking hard over the last few months if this was the right relationship for me, and I have decided yes. He is the man I want, my future is with him, he is “the one”. But when he walked out our, now his, front door all he could say to me was that he didn’t know how he felt. He has some issues from past relationships that have screwed him up, and he has to deal with those alone. Once he has dealt with that he will decide if he comes back or if we go our separate ways. At the moment he has a deadline of new years eve to decide – I can’t put my life on hold forever!!
However, for the near future my life is on hold. I have decided that he can drop BD off at my parents house next Monday and I will give him back my key and some of his things I borrowed when I left ( a book and a dvd, not his bank card before you ask!). The negative to this is I am now counting down the minutes until I will see him again. Right or wrong, I don’t want to stop loving him, not yet, not until I have to.
I haven’t been fully happy in my job for a while, everyone is beyond lovely, but I am ready for a new challenge. Before this happened I was watching the clock at work waiting for the minutes to pass until I could race home and see them both. I lived for the evenings and weekends. Now I don’t have that, so I guess the question is in the next few minutes what do I live for?
p.s Please do not worry, this is not my goodbye to the world, I am not considering harming myself!
P.P.S I would like to say a great big thank you to two very amazing people Clowie and Mollie and Alfie (Ok, technically three but two blogs so ha) although we have only ever met through online this weekend you have all been amazing and support. I appreciate it more than you will ever know – thank you!!!