new start…same old me

So I wanted this post to be about the joys of the new house and I even started writing it – I was going to tell you about my joy, the funny quirks we have found in our new house and the amazing weekend I have had looking forward to starting my new life and the post didn’t come!! I am sure it will in time but for now I am going to write about the upset of this weekend.

Ever since I have been little I imagined moving into a new house, drinking champagne in front of the fire, snuggling up in the warm glow of a future together and laughing as we unpacked boxes, pausing to kiss each other, have a paint fight and just living in a bubble of bliss – this was not the weekend I had!

Started off with Friday night, when we collected the keys. Having had a look around I was keen to start cleaning as I wanted everything cleaned before we moved stuff in and the horror of spending three hours cleaning two windows and starting to realise that everywhere I looked I could just seem more things to clean. Add to that OH is properly poorly sick and spent most of the evening lying on the floor having managed 5 minutes cleaning, but then feeling ill, and my ‘happy new home dream’ was dissolving!

After two windows we decided to call it a day and drove home, where I started worrying: (inner demands) Was OH having doubts? He wasn’t happy because he was ill, that’s nothing to do with me right? Was he happier when he moved in with his previous partner? Did that mean he loved her more? Was I just a cheap replacement? I deserve better than that so what was I going to do? Was the love I have enough for both of us? Was this right? If it doesn’t work out how will either of us ever move on? (Sensible voice) he is ill and feeling rubbish, and probably has a small upset about moving away from his home too, stop worrying! (Inner demands) Is he regretting you? Does he feel trapped?… you get the idea!

Anyway as I walked through the door of my home (although I guess technically it is now my folks home) I received a lovely text, he had pulled over to tell me he loved me and he did want to live with me and he was sorry he was ill. I’ll be honest I burst into tears on my mum, and sobbed for a good 5 minutes!

The next day we moved OH into our house, and I was fine, it wasn’t the full romance I had hoped for, in fact when I went to sit near him he stopped me because he has a bad back which was hurting, but I was fine (if not slightly cold as the people we bought the house from didn’t think to tell us the oil was running out and so our central heating stopped working about lunch time, and we had think frost all day – brrr!)

Then Sunday came around and it was my day to move in, I was fine in the morning and during the day – took my folks up and toured them round the house, showed my sister and her bloke the place moved in far too many boxes, waved them off, and then I broke down into tears and couldn’t stop crying! Even now I am fighting back tears as I think about them, about my things not being in my room at home, but in boxes in my cold new house! I cried, and cried and then would stop, open a box of stuff and cry some more – twice OH told me that I could change my mind and just seem him on weekends, and that just made me cry again! I woke up this morning and I felt depressed, I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to put on makeup, I just wanted to cuddle my dad….. and I can’t help but think, what’s wrong with me? Am I not supposed to be happy? I have moved in with the love of my life, something I have wanted since I met him two years ago, but all I am doing is crying and panicking….. I turned the fire off before coming to work as I didn’t trust it being left on, is OH going to be mad at me when I get home? (This worry comes from a previous bad relationship, which got very serious and resulted in me becoming a complete recluse – he didn’t like me going out!) and I get mad at being panicky when (At present) OH has done nothing to deserve this fear, but I am afraid to stand my ground, will always back down and this has me worrying about my future!! And the fact that I am crying my eyes out on what should be one of the happiest days of my life makes me worry what is wrong with me??!!

So I have moved house this weekend, however I seem to have taken all of my old gremlins with me, and I am worried that these gremlins will start affecting my future, and I don’t know what to do!!

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One thought on “new start…same old me

  1. Bravo bravo now it all makes sense fucking around with OH. Where is your child in all this you cunt! 4 years explains everything, you don’t get to do happily ever after that’s my game

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