That’s not what I ordered!

I am upset. In fact I am slightly more upset than I should be in this situation, I am a little worried about what this says about my life at the moment.

Last night I stayed at a friends house, and as she didn’t over-cater I had nothing for lunch today. I thought about having a cup a soup or something, but then there is a really nice sandwich shop a short walk from the office.

I considered having a tuna sandwich…

But then I thought if I am going to be naughty why not go the whole hog, treat myself…

So I ordered a sausage and egg sandwich, with extra tomato ketchup.

I was excited. I couldn’t wait to unwrap my sandwich. I had been looking forward to this sandwich for a good few hours.

I took my first bite…

There was sausage…

There was extra tomato ketchup…

The egg was missing.

The egg had been replaced with some horrible salty bacon.

Gutted was an understatement. I only very rarely treat myself to a sandwich; I can’t justify the cost, I can’t justify the calories.

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He ran

I told him I needed time… so he ran.

I told him I wasn’t sure… so he ran.

I told him the truth…so he ran.

Edward has decided that he isn’t willing to wait any longer, to give ourselves time to get to know each other. He wants exclusivity now or he wants to bang on the friends label. I wanted to just wait and see.

This morning I woke up to the ‘we should be friends’ text. I have to admit to been disappointed.

I thought he was different. I hoped and prayed he was different.

I just needed time to get to know him, was that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

Is honesty the best policy?

Men are asses and just when I start to waver in this opinion one comes along to prove to me right. I know I am partly to blame, at least with this original ass but still. (yes, I can see the hypocrite in me, but it’s my blog so I will rant if I want to)

Edward has organised a date with someone else. That fact bothers me more than it should, but it’s not the fact he has organised another date that has bugged me, it is the manner in which he has done it.

After our last date I was a little disappointed. The guy I met in person bared very little similarities to the guy I had fallen for online. (Yes, fallen for… I know) and it made me doubt if I had just gotten carried away with not being alone.

We openly, and I honestly, discussed our feelings and I admitted to wanting to see him again. But that I didn’t know if I was ready to be exclusive.

I then went on a girl’s night out and a met a guy, who turned out to be a complete ass, but none the less there were fireworks and a little bit of me resented Edward because I felt it would be unfair to act on these feelings while we still hadn’t fully defined what we are.

Another long phone call later and Edward and I had decided that we would continue to go on dates (rather than just meet up as friends) but that we were both free to do what we want. The only promise being made was that we would be upfront and honest. I didn’t want to be sat at home thinking he was pinning for me, when in actual fact he was out pulling anything with a pulse.

So we both continued to chat to each other, we planned a second date (which I had to cancel twice cause I’m still not well) and we both continued to chat to whomever we met online.

I have since met a few guys who I am interested in enough to swap numbers and potentially meet in person. None of these guys are perfect, but I have a ‘what the hell’ attitude; a drink and a bit of conversation (hopefully) never hurt anyone. I considered telling Edward about these guys, but until there was a potential date in the pipeline I didn’t really see the point.

The today I was asked out by one of them, and I said yes.

I have a date with Edward planned for tonight and I wanted to tell him before seeing him. His response was to tell me he had been asked out by someone too. I was a bit upset he hadn’t told me, as we had agreed to be honest, and it did make me wonder if he was quite the honest open guy he seems. But he then went on to tell me he had turned her down.

Then a few minutes later I got an “I’ve organised a date with someone else too” message. And I have got to say I am a little disappointed. It feels like this date is somehow this date is a revenge date, going ahead purely because I am seeing someone else. I don’t want that. If he meets someone who is interested in and wants to meet up fine, but I don’t want him dating someone purely because I am. That gives me the impression that despite saying he was fine with me taking time to figure my shit out he in fact isn’t, which means I need to decide to commit or walk away, and if he is forcing me into that decision then I will walk away.

I am not sleeping with all these people. I am not even kissing all these people. I am just getting out there and meeting people. I tried to be open and honest. If and when the time comes I will be open and honest with the next guy.

I have to be selfish. I have to put me first.

As I said the other day, I am over the ex and I do not want to go back there. But I am not over what he did to me. The promises that he broke and the notion that by moving on I am accepting that love does not concur all. It is going to take me time to heal. The problem is if I lead with absolute honest, but the guys I talk to don’t. How do I move forwards without running the risk of hurting someone?

Can I just bury my head and run away?

Long-time readers will know I have a dog with fear aggression. Having a dog with these issues was relatively new to me, and was something I was determined to work on when I moved in with the ex and BD. The day he was racing around with other collie dogs, playing and ignoring a puppy who was clearly trying to get some sort of reaction, was the happiest day of my life. It was also the day before I moved out of the house I shared with the ex.

Now I live in my own house and (unless the ex is away) I have BD one night a week and when I have him I like to go for a ‘proper’ walk; in the hills, miles from anyone. It is perfect. The problem is on these walks it is only him and me.

We don’t encounter other people. We don’t encounter other dogs.

This means I have lost my doggie reading skills and along with BD being attacked last year, this has made me very nervous when I see other dogs out and about.

Mity loves other dogs. He would leave our side and bound across fields to go and say hello to the dog he saw in the distance; and no amount of calling, running in the other directions or promise of treats would do anything to distract him from saying hello. This is something he has never grown out of and now it is only the fact that his eyesight is poor meaning he can’t see the other dog that stops him.

So if I see a dog with BD I panic that the approaching dog with be a ‘Mity dog’. I know panicking is not the thing to do. I try not to. I try my best to hide this concern from BD, but the panic in the pit of my stomach will not go away.

When I was living with BD I worked so hard with him, hence the playing with the puppies. We tried agility. We walked where other dogs were. I had him with Mity (which still happens occasionally) I read books, searched online, stalked pet bloggers… but now I am not it is harder to work with him; especially considering I spend a lot more time walking none responsive Mity.

Now when I see a dog in the distance regardless of who I am walking I freeze. I look for escape route and run walk briskly in that direction.

Here’s the thing. BD is perfectly happy on a walk with me. So long as he has his tennis ball he genuinely could not give a dam whether or not there is another dog. In fact he may prefer that there isn’t. Mity and BD can be walked together, and have been often where they just ignore each other. BD is a little bit of a pain on a lead and will bark at another dog. I don’t leave the house without BDs muzzle and if I see another dog in the distance, the muzzle goes on. He is never put in a position where he can hurt another dog. He is never put in a position where he needs to feel threatened by another dog.

Reading about BDs fear aggression I was advised not to avoid dogs. It makes it worse when you run into them. But when I only have him for two walks a week, and I have tactics to deploy if we do meet a dog, am I being selfish not taking time to actively work on this and relying instead on evasive actions?

Am I mean?

He told me I was mean. It wouldn’t have bothered me but he is not the first guy who I have met online who has said this to me. Granted the first guy told me I was “mean and obnoxious, with rude sarcasm” when I refused to send him a picture of me naked, so I don’t fully trust his judgement. But this other guy I thought got me. We’ve had a few jokey conversations back and forth, nothing major but enough that I thought we got each other’s sense of humour.

But his response has me worried. Does my sense of humour come across as mean? If only I had a group of friend who had never met me in the real world and only had my written, online presence to judge me on that I could ask….

It still hurts

The realisation I am still not fully over him comes with a jolt. It was a simple conversation over BD where the words “I’m not coming straight home” lead to me wondering if he was going to see her…

It’s not the fact he has moved on that hurts. It’s the realisation that I don’t matter. Whereas once he changed his diary to fit in with mine, now I am barely an afterthought; probably not even that.

We would have been trying for children now. Had he not ended it; had he not said enough. He was my world, and he left. That is the hard bit. It’s ironic really. He was the one who was always pushing for more. I was on his car insurance within weeks of us getting together, he introduced me to his family a week after we became ‘official’. Was it ever about me? Or was he just desperate to shoe horn me into the gap his ex had left?

It’s that thought that hurts the most; that continues to sting.

It could never have been about me. I joked whilst we were together that I would be nothing if we ever split up. I wasn’t the ex. I wasn’t the first one he dated after he split up with her (something I was always thankful for) but that meant I would be nothing.

He had the first woman he lived with. The woman he married. (different woman) Then my name was added to the long list of woman who he had just ‘had a relationship with’. At the time he would laugh at me and claim I would always matter, I would never be just another notch… yet now I doubt everything he ever said to me. I wonder if he meant anything…

Actually, that isn’t completely true. I was the first person I lived with after his wife. I suppose that would get me a small part in the movie of his life. I was the only person who never cheated on him. I was the only person who he has ever ended it with. Lucky me.

It’s not the fact that the relationship has ended that I find so hard to deal with. It’s the fact that he no longer cares. The fact I am nothing to him. That thought still has the power to wind me, and bring tears to my eyes.

I was talking to a friend last night about the various guys I am talking to online. She laughed when I was telling her that actually I am talking to a few – currently I am talking to 11 different blokes. Some I could be interested in, some that I am not. And I admitted to her something I have been trying to deny to myself for a while. Although I have moved on, and do not want to go back, I don’t want to move forwards either.

I am still finding it hard to accept that love will not conquer all. I find it harder still to accept that I was so wrong about my feelings for him, and his for me. I thought what we had was special. I thought what we had was forever.

I doubt myself. I doubt my ability to read a situation. With the help of my counsellor I have identified that this ‘doubt’ stemmed for a few events in my childhood, and that the ‘bully’ picked up on this and then a psychopath decided to help me overcome the bully… looking past over the last 10 years of my life just seems to be a repetition of me trusting someone, trusting my gut and then been proven MASSIVELY wrong. And it is happening again with the ex.

I don’t want to be wrong again. I know I am, but I really didn’t want to be.

I am not loving this latest development

I don’t know what is wrong with me or what has brought this on. Do you think I can blame it on the flu or something? I am seriously hoping it has something to do with my cycle and this new ‘phase’ will vanish just as quickly as it arrived…I can’t believe I am about to openly admit this.

I am MASSIVELY broody. I am sticking a cushion up my jumper to see what I will look like pregnant broody. It’s complete and utter madness and I have no idea where it has come from.

I want to be pregnant. I am looking at other pregnant ladies and the green mist descends and I can’t help but look down at my flat(ish) tummy and wish it was me.

What is wrong with me?

I mean seriously what is wrong with me?

I haven’t been this broody since I was at Uni and managed to freak myself out with my broodiness when my boyfriend at the time came and stood next to me while we were stood looking into cribs (Yes, I had dragged him into Mothercares to look at baby stuff, despite no-one we knew at the time being pregnant) and I felt my uterus skip a beat. Honestly, been in that position, realising it was an actual possibility was enough to scare me for…well until now. But now it is back. I am seeing pregnant people everywhere I look and have even half considered going it alone. Although I don’t want to, not yet.

So I will pretend that this isn’t happening, and hope that a goods night sleep is enough to rid me of this new feeling. Cause if not, well heaven help me!