I’m scared!

Today I’m finally putting into words all the feelings I have had over the last year; the feelings that I have tried to bury. As burying them hasn’t sorted anything out, perhaps finally facing them will.

I’m scared I am going to end up alone.

I’m scared I am not going to be enough.

I’m scared I am never going to have children.

I’m scared I am going to spend every morning, for the rest of my life, waking up alone.

I’m scared that over a year later I am still missing him so.

I’m scared that the online dating thing doesn’t seem to be working out (although I did half expect that)

I’m scared my heart is never going to mend.

I’m scared that I am never going to get over him.

I’m scared that he left me so easily, that I was so easy to walk away from.

I’m scared that I still can’t piece together all the broken pieces of my heart.

I’m scared that I no longer believe in love.

I’m scared to be alone.

I’m scared to stop, so I am wearing myself out.

I’m scared that I don’t know how not to look for love.

I’m scared I am going to lose BD.

I’m scared that Mity is aging in front of my eyes.

I’m scared that ..(lets just say work isn’t going well right now)

I’m scared about making the ends meet at the end of the month.

I’m scared that I will still be doing this alone when I am 90.

I’m scared I’m not going to live until 90.

I’m scared I’m wasting my life.

I’m scared I’m going to make the wrong decision.

I’m scared all the balls I am juggling, are going to come crashing down, and there is no one there to pick them up with me.

I’m scared I am messing up my life.

I’m scared I’m not going to get my happily ever after.

No-man’s land.

At the moment I feel a bit stuck. I know I can’t and I know I don’t want to go back; but yet the idea of venturing once again into the unknown also fills me with fear.

I feel stagnate.

I feel alone.

Although I am surrounded by people, I know that they can’t really help. This is something I must face alone. As I look around I see happy couples everywhere. My friends are now all settled down and moving on, and although none of their relationships aren’t perfect; they have a significant other… someone special. Even my friend who swore off men for life when her marriage ended now has someone.

Yet I am still alone.

That’s how I feel.

I know this experience has changed me. I know there is no going back. I have felt pain, the likes of which I have never felt before; there have been times when I thought if my heart took another beat it would break into a million pieces. In fact, even now I know it isn’t fully mended –I think it has a plaster on it, one that can very easily be picked off, and often is.

I have lost count of the tears I have shed.

I can see how far I can come but don’t feel like I have the strength to continue to go forwards.

The ironic thing is I am not 100% certain I want to be in a relationship right now. I do and I don’t; my mood changes as often as my underwear. Most mornings I wake up and I am happy, content. For the first time in my life I can be completely selfish, when making plans I only need to consider me. No significant other, no family. Do I want to do something? Is my diary free? Can I afford it? If I can answer yes to all 3 questions then off I go.

But then there are moments… when I am curled up in bed, when I’m walking BD in the dark, when I am the third wheel yet again, that I want to meet that someone special. I want to have someone to share my life with.

It probably sounds silly, but I just want a guarantee. If someone could tell me that one day I will meet someone, one day I will get my happily ever after… then I think I would relax. But life doesn’t carry a guarantee. So I worry and stress. I know it doesn’t achieve anything but I can’t seem to help it.

The problem is being a wife and a mum is all I have wanted, or at least pre-ex it was all I wanted. Now I know that actually the marriage part, not so important. I want the relationship; someone to share my life with.

So many people say “you don’t find it until you stop looking” but I can’t figure out how not to look!

 

He’s not friendly.

On this mornings walk I ended up screaming “he’s not friendly” at two different dog walkers. In both incidents it was their dog who had decided to cross the field, and leave their owner to come and say hi to BD. BD was quite happily ignoring them and to be honest the only thing on his mind was “throw my ball, throw my ball, throw my ball.”

It was after the first ‘incident’ that I realised I was doing BD a massive disservice by screaming this about him… in the style of a loon… at other dog walkers. He isn’t ‘not friendly’; he’s cuddly and caring, he has a killer smile, brilliant personality, goes out of his way to cheer me up (now I see why people chose dogs over men) and greats me like he hasn’t seen me in years every time I see him. He would beat Mity in a friendly dog test by a mile, with both paws tied behind his back.

In fact the only time he isn’t friendly is when an off lead dogs come running at him, gets in his face and refuses to pick up on his “leave me the heck alone” signals. Then he gets scared and reacts; and the key would is he gets scared. If he can walk around the dog and get away then ‘touch wood’ he does not react. It is only when he feels trapped that he lashes out. Is it ok that he lashes out – No! But is it fully his fault…?

I feel like I am doing BD a massive disservice every time “He’s not friendly” leaves my lips. But what do I say instead, as awful as it sounds nothing else I can think of causes the ‘panic’ in the other owner quite in the same way. If I shout any other warning I generally get back “but mines ok” and that just doesn’t cut the mustard. Do I care if your dog is friendly? Not really. I care that your friendly dog is going to scare my timid dog and as a result his training is set back months. My nerves are put a little more on edge and we take a few more steps back, slowly inching forwards until another ‘friendly’ dog, another incident.

I know what it’s like having an overly friendly dog. If we ever took Mity onto a field he would scope it out to find out who he could say hello to, and he has covered lengths of fields trying to get to another dog to play. I know it is hard work. I know that despite months of training some dogs will just say hello.  We were very fortunate that on only a handful of occasions did this ‘greeting’ turn out badly. Generally Mity would drop to the floor a few meters from the other dog and always rolled over as soon as the other dog approached him. But if ever this happened we would be on it. (I know some of you will roll your eyes as this is breaking dog training rules)  but if he put his head down and ran generally me, my sister and  my dad would all take off in hot persuit after him, screaming like loons trying to distract him and encourage him to come back and join us. Did it work? Not always. Did we try? Every single time.

Yet the people I met this morning didn’t. They didn’t seem to care that I spent the entire time I was within their eye sight purposefully keeping my dog and me as far away from them as possible. They didn’t notice that there was always (until their dog took off) me in-between their dog and BD. Nope they didn’t pick up on anything until I screamed “He’s not friendly.”

I worry BD is going to get a stigma. I don’t want people to judge him without knowing him. I don’t want to be ‘the woman with the unfriendly do’ but actually if that keeps their dogs away from mine, and BD safe. For the first time in my life I genuinely don’t care what people think. I will step up and be whatever the label needs to be to keep my boys safe!

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A Letter to the Hopeless Romantics

25castleson25clouds:

Reminding myself to not give up!

Originally posted on The Fickle Heartbeat:

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A beautiful feature post by Single Strides.

From one hopeless romantic to another…  I’m sure you’re anxiously waiting for the moment you’ve spent your whole life dreaming of. You’re likely patiently waiting for the moment that drowns you like a wave of thrilling passions. You find your breath somewhere in the depths of those three words: I love you. You wait for the moment that you fall and never again try to rise. Instead you create a life in the depths of your heart and in between the tesseracts of togetherness.

By the time that you meet I’m sure you would both have had your share of heartbreak, disappointment, and regret. Yet I am certain of something else as well… Once you meet them, none of it will matter. Once you meet, you will belong to each other like the ocean belongs to the shore – forever anchored…

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Now is NOT the time to stop lying to me #onlinedating

I don’t know if it’s because tonight was supposed to be date night, or would have been had the guy not vanished off the face of the earth, or if I’m just feeling a little sorry for myself; but I am in a bit of a funk and feeling totally fed up with the whole online dating charade. I can’t be bothered with coming up with witty intro messages, only to be ignored. I want to scream WTF at every balding, 50 + year old man who winks at me or sends an introductory message. No offence guys but seriously…

Anywho, for the first fews days after I signed up I had nothing but issues with the website I had been slightly conned into joining. I would get a daily email (about 11am) telling me who popular me profile was and that as a result I was receiving so much ‘interest’ they would stop updating me via email every time there was a ‘contact’ on my profile. My gut told me it was all bull, I told myself it was all bull, but I will admit it was nice to receive them.

The other annoying issue I had was being told I had ‘contacts’ which I couldn’t actually view – would you believe at one point 40 men had ‘apparently’ sent me emails to introduce themselves to me, yet when I tried to see these emails I could see about 4 new messages. This was more annoying than anything else, not for a moment did I consider that I had actually received 40 messages, but I know for a fact of some messages that have ‘apparently gone missing’ so it does make me worry if I am receiving everything I should be receiving and are all my initial emails getting through? But I digress slightly.

My main point is that while it was all new, exciting and full of possibilities I was being falsely buoyed up by the company; when there was no need cause I was naïve and thought that maybe this could lead to me finding someone special. There were so many possibilities, so man single men out there. Suddenly I wasn’t the only single person in the world (which I know I am not but with all my friends dating or married it often feels like I am, especially as none of them have any single guy friends!)

But now it has been a few weeks. I seem to be seeing the same photos of the same 20 guys. The one guy I did have a spark with has vanished (yes, I may have already told you that) and I am just kinda feeling a bit, ‘what’s the point’. The messages I am receiving, and the guys I am talking to are all the same, nice enough but conversation is basic and there isn’t really a spark. Anyone interesting, or hot, doesn’t seem to be interested in talking to me. Particularly annoying, was the guy who I spent ages thinking about a funny, relevant intro message… he viewed my profile, but never responded.

This is when I need to be being lied to. This is when the emails of support need to be received. It is now that I need the ‘company’ to be like a good girl friend, opening a bottle and telling me that “it’s their loss, all men are idiots and something much better is around the corner”

I am fragile, I am needy. This is not the time to bring the truth. Lie to me God dam it. I don’t need to hear the truth… I can’t handle the truth.

Men are from…some crazy ass planet that’s for sure!

He’s gone. I don’t know what happened, but suddenly the guy I was interested in… who made me laugh out loud… whose texts I looked forward to receiving… who I have spent many evenings chatting too… and who had asked me out on not 1, but 2 dates has vanished off the face of the earth…..I can only assume he has been called back to his home planet!

For 5 days I have heard nothing.

The annoying thing is I have no idea why not. I had a weekend away (I will tell you about that later this week) and our last conversation was had while I was a slightly nervous wreck on the platform waiting for the train to arrive. I misread the message and thought he was basically saying “I want to have sex and if you don’t put out I will find someone who will” and I responded with ” I’m not that easy, if you are only obsessed with sex I am assuming the date is a no go?!”

I put my phone back in my pocket, called him every name under the sun and was secretly gutted he had turned out to be a tw*t.

The next evening, slightly drunk I thought it would be a good idea to re-read the messages to see where it had all gone wrong. I was a mixture between releived and horrified to realise that I had completely mis-read his message and in my (drunk) but much less stressed state I think he was just winding me up. However I then re-read my final response and actually with a fresh, unstressed, slightly tipsy head my message was no where near as bad as I first thought.

So I don’t know why he has vanished?!

He’s still on the online site (I have not been stalking but there name is highlighted when they are online so I know) and the other day he viewed my profile again. But there has been no conversation?!!

I was very brave an managed to wait until Sunday evening to send him a ‘chatty’ text. Saying I was shattered after a long weekend and letting him know my plans for the week had changed so if other days were better he just had to let me know. Nothing.

I am assuming the date is off, but he hasn’t even said that.

We added each other on Facebook (which I wouldn’t have done had we not a. gotten on so well and b, had TWO agreed upon dates in the pipeline!) and he hasn’t ‘unfriended’ me.

It makes no sense!

I think that’s what annoys me the most. If the conversation had been struggling, if we hadn’t put two dates in the diary then I could make more sense. If he had admitted to only wanting a one night stand, I would get it. But none of that has happened. He just stopped reply, but still visited my profile?

And don’t even get me started on the Facebook adding. He suggested it, and I can’t make any sense of why he would do that if I was only a ‘one night stand’ target. He didn’t need to. Dates had been set. Ok, we wouldn’t have had sex but we would have met up and then after our date he could have said, thanks but I don’t want commitment. I could be any sort of crazy psycho stalker, so why add me on Facebook if you weren’t keen and had no intention of talking to me past the next day?!

I am confused. I am a little insulted. If he’d changed his mind and had the guts to admit it, no worries but to vanish when the signs were so good?

I can’t figure it out.

NB as tempted as I am, I haven’t yet sent him a message asking him WTF? … But I am sorely tempted!! 

 

 

#Onlinedating – an easy way to be rejected by multiple men at once!

As much as I waxed lyrical about how I was only joining the online dating world to meet new people, there was a small part of me that hoped I would actually meet someone as a result of it. Things got off to a good start and I met two really interesting blokes, one of whom I am still in contact with and think this could be a long term friendship thing – but I’m not sure I feel that spark. The other… well at the time of writing still MIA and with the planned date supposed to be happening tomorrow but no messages for almost a week means I am officially writing him off (pity!).

So after 2 weeks ‘online’ the only thing I seem to have found is a bucket load of rejection!

Is it wrong that I’ve already had enough? I’m sick and tired of having to come up with new and interesting ways to introduce myself. I am grumpy that I seem to be in a never ending rotation of ‘how was your day?’ ‘Good. How was yours?’ type conversations and if I have to tell one more person what I need to do for a living I may just scream!!

However, I don’t want to give up (I can’t I was conned out of 6 months’ worth of membership!!!!) so when I have some free time I log on and try to find some more people to chat with; but today I feel I may make more progress hitting my head against a brick wall.

I think the problem is I know too much, well that and I think the website lied to me when I first joined! I can know see when people have viewed my profile and so I am becoming aware of people I am sending a message too looking at my profile and then not bothering to respond. Full on rejection and it happened to me twice today before I had even had breakfast. Then there are the people who are looking and not commenting – what my picture was tempting but now you have found out more about me you think I’m not worth getting to know??

I know I am not everyone’s cup of tea. But if someone has made the effort to send me a message I at least reply. Even if I know I am not interested I thank them for reaching out. But men (and yes I am going to blame all males as one!!) nothing, nadda, zip. Or they have sent a few messages but then suddenly vanish, mid conversation…

I keep telling myself it was all about fun. It was just a way to meet new people and get me used to the idea about their being someone else in my life; to prove to me that I could move on and get excited about receiving a text from someone other than the ex. But God it would have been nice to not feel so completely rejected by every man with a nice smile and an apparent sense of humour under the age of 40!!!