I can’t take it any more!!!

If you thought this week had thrown everything it possibly could my way, you would be wrong. Apparently it isn’t enough that I had a car journey from hell and came home to be greeted by a boiler that plays mind games… Nope I am also being terrorized by the worlds biggest spider!!!

Don’t believe me. See for yourself…

Run...save yourselves!!

Run…save yourselves!!

Now I know some of you may want to be funny, like some of my unsympathetic work collages were when shown this terrifying spider, and so comments like “where” and “oh, that little thing” may slip from your lips. But let me point out that picture is taken from the other side of my lounge, and the black dot you see near the ceiling is the spider and the items to the left are my new curtain and curtain rails (I hope you like them) and that curtain rail end splays to cover an area roughly the size of my palm. So now you have a comparison, can I have a bit of God damn respect?!!

Here’s my problem. I don’t like spiders. It has taken over 25 years for me to be able to reach a stage where I can put a cup over them and carry them outside (or chuck them out of the nearest window.) If they are outside, then that is fine. That is there home and I leave them alone, all I ask is for the same respect.

This one has broken that treaty. Actually it is not the first as I have had one that has reappeared in the corner of my fire every other day for a few weeks. Each time it appeared I politely asked it to ‘go away and never return’ and *touch wood* it has listened to me this time.

However I do not feel like carrying this one outside in a glass and nicely asking it to leave – for one thing it doesn’t fit it any of the glasses I own!!Also I do have a kind of unwritten rule whereby if I can count the hairs on its legs then I can get someone else to sort it while I run from the room screaming like a girl!!

Last time this spider showed it’s hairy giant face it was thrown out by my lovely brave daddy. (Just one of many reasons my daddy is a hero!!) However now the bugger is back, and took great pleasure in mocking me while I enjoyed my breakfast this morning .

Or at least it did. It walked across the wall, from one corner to another, paused for this photo and then vanished. I have no idea where the bloody thing has gone.

I am currently searching my phone book to find out who is the closest friend I have who can come and play hunt the spider and get rid of it for me. Half an hour isn’t too long a journey is it? Well it’s either that or I put my house back on the market!

My boiler hates me!

I hate my boiler. My boiler hates me. The feeling is mutual. It wasn’t always, when I first moved in I gave my boiler the benefit of the doubt. The first few times I had no hot water and the central heating turned on FOR NO APPARENT REASON… at 3 o’clock in the morning…. causing me to wake in a hot sweat. I forgave it.

I blamed myself. I thought I had set it up wrong.

So I ventured into the cupboard where it lives to re-asses my settings. I fiddled with the dials. I spoke with love… I spoke with respect…. I spoke with desperation… I spoke with threats. I am now onto at least my 3rd different set up of dial configurations.

Yesterday morning I was in heaven. I had not woken in a sweat in the middle of the night. My house was not freezing as I pulled myself wearily from my bed.

I thought it was sorted. I thought we were friends. I put the past behind me in a happy cloud of warmth and went to work.

When I came back the house was colder than expected. Come 8pm the house was freezing and I was snuggled under about 4 blankets and my big ginger collie. I refused to go upstairs and have it out with my boiler. I decided maybe the silent treatment was the only way it would learn…

And then at 10pm last night the bloody thing turned itself on. Just as I was going to bed it gurgled to life.

I am desperate – can anyone explain why, when the dial looks like this…

Although it may not look like it, this is in fact a torture device!!

Although it may not look like it, this is in fact a torture device!!

My heating has turned itself on?

At this exact moment. If it had turned itself on when it was near one of the dials I would at least have some sort of a clue as to why.

However, as far as I can see there is no Godly reason as to why it turned on at this exact moment – well no reason other than the fact it hates me and wants to see me suffer!

I thought I was a competent woman…

I have a good degree…

I have a good job…

but I may have to admit that the boiler has beaten me. Help!!

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Sometimes I Miss You


So I’ve had a rough couple of days, and this just kinda sums up exactly how I feel. It has moved me to tears. I couldn’t not share!!!

Originally posted on The Fickle Heartbeat:


A beautiful feature post by Single Strides.

I miss you sometimes. I can admit it to the world but I can’t seem to admit it to you. I’ve managed to go through a month and a half without any contact. In that time, I got closer to reaching my dreams, I traveled to another continent, and another boy got me to laugh.

But still, I find that I miss you sometimes. Sometimes I’ll be driving while singing a song on the radio, and I’ll remember what your voice sounded like singing it, too. When I go to the grocery store and stare blankly at the shelves, I remember when you use to hug me from behind as we picked out our dinner.

To be honest, it kills me that I miss you. Because to be even more honest, I have cried less away from you than I did with…

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Fail to Prepare…

Why is it when you make one little mistake the Universe decides to ensure that this tiny little mistake doesn’t stay small and inconsequential but takes on a life of it’s own until you are left quietly rocking and sobbing uncontrollably in the corner??

Take this morning I had a meeting at work. It was with an external agency and I was as excited as I was terrified. Having any sort of meeting is still a new experience for me and so I have had a few sleepless nights and spent about a week planning every small detail including trying on at least 3 different outfits to make sure I portray the appropriate level of carefree professional. I had Googled the time to destination, found my Sat Nav. Everything was a go.

This morning, I logged out of my computer giving myself at least double the time to get to my final destination. I nipped to the loo, only (and this may be a little bit of an over share) I have inherited my mums ‘nervous tummy’ and so I was slightly longer in the loos than planned. Although a little more stressed as I now only had had 20 minutes to do a journey Google had predicted would take 12 minutes. I grabbed my handbag, my notes for the meeting and a working pen and fled the office. Into car I plugged in my Sat Nav and panicked a little about it’s inability to find the exact location but assumed I would be safe by going to the “center of the area”. It was on an industrial state, what could go wrong?

At this point I did consider heading back into the office to print off some Google directions; something I usually always do, and I still don’t know how I failed to on this occasions! In fact I am usually so panicked that I ‘walk the streets’ to the venue and back with little Street View Man so I know exactly where I am going – I don’t know if it being a local place gave me a false sense of security?? Anyway, for the first time in my life I hadn’t.

I decided not to go back into the office. I knew it would take a while to re-load the computer, download the details and print it all off; especially considering the archaic systems my office currently runs on. Time I would rather spend getting there on time. I knew most of the route and so I thought drive, and then if I can’t find them give them a call on my mobile so that could direct me in.

About 7 minutes into my journey I realised I may be arriving a few minutes late to the meeting, and so I pulled over to give them a heads-up (at this point I was still going for calm, collected professional!) This is when the universe decided to kick me for the first time. I could not find my mobile. Turns out in my hurry to be on time I had left it sitting on my desk. At this point the panic was rising, however in a ‘gift’ from the universe at least my Sat Nav had decided it was going to work and so began to direct my to my ‘destination’. We arrived at ‘the destination’ in record time in fact I was early for my meeting. It would have been perfect only it wasn’t my location. Taking me to the middle of the area based on post code had landed me in a completely different industrial estate, I had no idea where I was, no idea where I was going and no phone to call anyone for help.

I got out of my car and walking into the nearest office building, where two men were sat talking. I told them I was lost and where I was trying to get and it turned out that I was in completely the wrong part of the city. Luckily the guys did know where I needed to go and so he talked me through the directions and drew me a little map. I asked if I could borrow his phone to call the company and advise them I may be a few minutes late. His reaction was comical; I think he may have been less surprised had I asked if I could eat his head. He spluttered out I was only a few minutes away and it wouldn’t take me long, but I kinda pushed the point a little and finally he conceded. Message about my delayed arrival left I thanked the two guys and flew out of their office. Back to the car and set off on the journey. I remembered the first few roundabouts fine but on approaching a set of traffic lights and being unsure as to whether I should go straight on or turn left I reached for the map he had drawn… only I couldn’t find it. I am certain I had it in my hand when I left the offices, but I still have no idea what has happened to it. I cannot find it in my car!

I went with my gut and headed straight across. At the next traffic lights I thought my luck had changed; there was a sign to the industrial estate I needed – I was saved! Or not.

Turns out after the sign telling me to turn left there were no other signs. I creeped along, annoying all the drivers behind me (side note: does anyone else think we should have those flashy message things on our back windscreens that the police have? I would love to be able to flash up signs that said “sorry, I know I’m being annoying but I’m lost” or “I’m driving extremely slowly as I am trying not to run out of petrol before I reach the petrol station as I didn’t have as much fuel as I thought” Just me?)  looking for the sign for the industrial estate – I remembered the guy in the office saying it would appear out of no where in this little housing estate, that I would think I had gone wrong and then it would just appear on my left. I saw a courtyard and looked around (to my left) for the sign. I couldn’t see anything telling me this was anything other than a group of houses and so I pressed on. I assumed that if this was the place I could just double back. I got to the end of the road and realised that the courtyard I had seen had to be the place so did a U-turn and set off back down the road. A man jumped in front of my car waving his arms.

Genuinely, this man went mental getting me to stop my car. I wound down the window and looked at him.; turns out it was a one way street.

I asked him for directions to get back to the beginning of the system and was told I had to go “left, then right, then second left, the another right, over the river…” I think it was about here I lost the will to live!

I would like to tell you that I followed his directions and found the place; bet your not surprised to learn I didn’t.

I gave up and went back to a section of road and knew and found my way back in, only this time pulling into the courtyard.

I was quite impressed to only finally arrive 10 minutes late for the meeting, and although I didn’t share the full horror that I had getting there sharing some of the story certainly broke the ice.

However, the best bit and probably the bit that will have jumped out to the people who I told this story to… turns out the industrial estate is in fact extremely well sign posted and on my way around the one way system for the second time I noticed a lovely large sign point directly at the courtyard; on the right!

Choosing a Username

I don’t know about you but I hate choosing a Username. I always pile too much pressure on myself. I want it to be funny, quirky and original. After all it is how I will be known by many people.  Usually I spend far too long deciding, and massively over-think the entire process. I know you’re shocked aren’t you that I would overthink something.

Anyway, this time is no different. You see I have decided to take the plunge. After a year as officially single I am joining a dating site. I’m not really looking for someone yet, more thinking of it as a way to meet new people and try out new things. I’m mainly interested in some of the single nights this company holds and so thought why not. I have a friend who will be accompanying me on said nights (not that she realises this yet) and so I thought it will just get my social life looking a little more healthy which at this time of year is nothing but a good thing.

So I logged onto the site and started filling in the details. It was going well. I could manage my name, post code, age, that I was a woman searching for a man. Hell, I had even decided on an age range and decided not to settle on age so been very specific about what I did and didn’t want…

And then they asked for my username.

Now more than my username matters. This name and my picture is going to persuade a handsome, charming, great personality, brilliant sense of humour, animal loving, sensitive, none-smoking, active, large… pay check (get your mind out of the gutter!) guy that I am the woman he has waited his entire life for.

I have come up with a couple and rejected them. I think ‘Desperate and dejected’ may have gone and ‘dying alone with dogs instead of cats as cats hate me’ just don’t roll off the tongue! I considered keep it simple and just going with my name.  I also considered using my childhood nickname – it’s kinda cute, fun story and would encourage someone to delve a little deeper to get to know me. I considered using a fake name but I know of someone who did that. She was dating a great guy when a few weeks into the relationship he announced that he wasn’t ‘Harry’ but actually he was an actor called ‘Frank’ and had used a face name so his fans didn’t know he was on the ‘hunt’. (true story!) They never saw each other again.

In desperation I sent off a quick text to my baby sister. I knew she would be there for me in my hour of need, she is arty, with a flair for the dramatic and I knew she wouldn’t let me down. Because she is a complete star, and as fulfilled with her job as I am with mine, she replied within minutes with her suggested username…Free and Easy.

Causing Extra Stress

I have (possibly) had a break through moment, but dear friends I would very much value your thoughts, opinions and two cents on this matter.

Recently  I have been thinking a lot about BDs fear aggression. Following on from his attack he has been doing ok with dogs, although he did go for Mity the other day. They are both fine. BD was muzzled and Mity just squeezed past to him too closely trying to get around my mother and me. It was a bit of a hectic night and I should have found a way to not have them both in my house, but I had no option.

Anyway. Bd has taken to barking at most dogs we see when we walk past them. Turns out it is only with me that he does this. Apparently when he is with my ex he can now walk past all sorts of dogs on the other side of the road, but with me he does this excited bark/jump/yelp thing and almost tries to run at the dog but not in a ‘grrr I’m going to kill you’ manner more a ‘look, look, dog’ excited way. I know that I need to work on this, a large (potentially muzzled) dog barking at your dog does not a happy owner make (he has officially ruined any chances I may have had with the fit young vet, by barking like a loon at the vets JRT which resulted in a very disapproving glare from said vet to me the crazy lady who can’t control her dog!)

But I am not asking for your opinions on that (although any advice you have would be appreciated) No today I want to discuss my obsession with battling through BDs fear to one day see him play with other dogs. Every since I have known BD I have wanted to see him relax around other dogs. I want him to not be scared. I want a confident happy boy. I have once or twice seen him play with dogs. Watching him run around with them was amazing, and the big smile on his face when he was warn out and exhausted was just amazing. But (and here it comes)…

Is this need to see him relax in BDs best interest or just an obsession I have. Is this about BD or me?

When I go out walking with BD he doesn’t care if we meet another dog or not. So long as he has his tennis ball and we are together then he is happy. On the odd occasion we come across another dog (ignoring the lead bouncing for now) we take steps to avoid the interaction; I detour of the path or change direction, we usually pass the other dog without incident and carry on our way. I have learnt how to manage the situation and so has BD. When we are walking in a wood, or somewhere else where BD can be off lead once the other dog is a safe distance away and not likely to run back to try and say hi to BD I will re-remove his muzzle, congratulate him and we carry on.

So long as I have remembered his tennis ball BD is beyond happy. He doesn’t seem to worry that there is no one else around and as we walk out in the country as much as able, there aren’t really any dogs for him to play with anyway. He gets on fine with Mity, and so there is no longer the problem of having the two of them together. On walks they ignore each other and (until the attack) they ignored each other in the house as well. Yes, there were occasions when BD would be slightly concerned to hear Mity ‘talking’ to me and if ever Mity wanted to do crazy dog I would hang on to BD so that he wouldn’t chase Mity as on the occasion I wasn’t fast enough they would both just kinda panic and freeze. Mity would look at BD as if to say “why are you chasing me” and BD would look at him as if to say “why were you running and why have we stopped?”.

If BD is contented, and Mity is happy. Why do I want to push it further?

Am I right to encourage BD to relax around other dogs, regardless of his nerves? Or do I accept him for who he is and let this go?


P.S It’s this post Pamela that you inspired!

2 mugs.

I’m going to start by saying I am well aware of how this makes me sound! I am also going to point out that I know this isn’t particularly well written or coherent, but I’ve tried for well written and coherent 3 times and failed so now I am just going for ‘out of my head and published!!’

Walking past the ex’s house this morning (dropping off BD, not a crazy stalker thank you very much!) it appeared that he had laid out two mugs next to the kettle rather than the one that he usually leaves out.

I don’t know how I feel.

Sad – no, not so much.

Happy – let’s not get carried away!!

Relieved – maybe, just a tad.

You see, although maybe not fair, it is easier to think that everything my ex told me is a lie. I know that that is probably unfair to him, and that life is not that black and white. But for me, if he was lying when he said “I love you” then I wasn’t left by someone who loved me. The idea that he could say and mean everything he said and meant terrifies me. It means it can happen again (and although I know it can) it is easier for me if he didn’t love me. If he only liked me a lot well then that means that I wasn’t left by the man who loved me, it means there is a chance that the next one will fall in actual love with me and that the next guy won’t leave. You see the hard bit is supposed to be finding someone who loves you. It’s that bit that is tricky. But love, love conquers everything, it is the strongest bond, the unbreakable bond and if he loved me and still left…

When we broke up he told me that if he couldn’t be with me he didn’t want anyone. If I couldn’t make him happy he was looking at a lifetime alone, and although I would never wish that on anyone (especially not him) when he fines someone new I can mark those comments up as another ‘said but not meant’. It would be yet more evidence that actually it was me that was the problem, I wasn’t enough.

I don’t know how that will make me feel.

I know it will come one day, but not knowing when is killing me. So part of me hopes that that day is today; that the two coffee mugs on the side are a sign that he spent the night with someone.

The other reason I want him to be seeing someone is BD. It would take a very confident, understanding, woman to deal with me continuing to have access to BD. To understand that it isn’t about seeing the ex, but a dog who I have loved for years and continue to love even now. I am terrified that when the ex starts dating someone knew they will put an end to me having visitation right. However, if that has happened today, if he is seeing someone then they are ok with me having BD as I have him booked in for dates right up until Feb when the ex goes away.

I feel this is the last hurdle I have to overcome. I know it will be hard, I know it will be shitty. But I am so sick of feeling it is on the horizon. Plus I think it will be the final kick up the arse I need to, I don’t know. Not move on as the reason I am still single is more a lack of datable men than me refusing to date. But it would be another horrible milestone overcome and survived.